


Innovation

by Pridefulmess (AttackonEreri)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Animal Abuse, Animal Death, Author Eren and Levi, Blow Job, Cute, Drinking, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eren Loves Levi, Erenx Levi, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Fluff and Angst, Fucked Up, Hand Jobs, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Ice Skating, Jean Kirstein Being An Asshole, Levi Loves Eren, Levi singing, M/M, Mikasa POV, Minor Levi/Petra Ral, One-Sided Levi/Petra Ral, POV Eren Yeager, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Petra POV, Possible Character Death, Pretty Messed Up, Prostitution, References!, Skating Levi and Eren Chapter, Slight Erwin/ Eren, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Triggers, Violent, adding tags as I go, ereri, i warn thee, jealous Levi, levi has feelings too, levi pov, like seriously fucked up, past Eren/Jean - Freeform, references, riren - Freeform, self hate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-19
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-08-09 21:28:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 52,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7817974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AttackonEreri/pseuds/Pridefulmess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren truly thought his life was good, because well it wasn't bad, plus he wasn't dead yet so that was a good sign. </p><p>He was a semi successful author,  he had good friends, a decent job, and all was good; at least compared to what it had been a couple of years prior, which were now only distant memories, at least for now.</p><p>When he looks to better his novels, and truly write, not just for the paycheck but for himself. In the journey to do so, he meets the successful author, Levi Ackerman and then he learns that there's more to life than just surviving it.</p><p>-This fanfiction is written in multiple POVs, but it is mainly Eren and Levi POV. Please read tags for more insight on POVs and warnings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mature Audiences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, to any new readers and returning readers of this fanfic.  
> Notes to any returning readers: Chapters 1-20 have been edited as of 2/25/17 There have been no huge changes, only what I thought was necessary. More news of that is posted on newer chapters.
> 
> Notes to any new readers: Please enjoy the fanfic!

~~~

Life was never easy for me. But, I tried not to complain, it wasn’t easy for anyone.

Despite this, I was convinced at an early age that life had it out for me in particular, why? I didn’t know. I was only six when the purple bruises on my mom’s arms had begun to appear, and I was eight when they began to take over the rest of her body, the color purple always physically on her skin. By the age of ten, the bruises had plagued her face as well, taking over her gentle features. When they did they moved on to me.

Why did we have to live like this? We didn’t do anything, we didn’t deserve this. Was my father really angry because the food was a little salty like he had said? Or was it because my toys disturbed him in some way like he had yelled the other day? Or maybe it was because of the lack of liquor, as he explained when he broke the bottle on the counter. I didn’t know I was only ten.

Mom seemed to take my father’s aggression in a different manner, she seemed to accept it, and she always said it was okay, that my father was just angry, that it’ll pass. She’d always whisper calming things in a sweet voice to me in the chaos of my father’s rage. I knew she wasn’t okay though, she’d ask me if the bruises on my arms hurt and I would lie and say no. But she knew me better than that. So when I asked her if the gash over her swollen, left eyebrow hurt, and instead of a yes, I received a no, I was positive she was lying.

 My mom always said, hate was a strong word, that no one should hate a person, that no one should experience hate or be hated.  You could imagine the earful I got when I told her how I hated my father. But, I knew that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I got when thinking of my father dragging my mom away and remembering the loud vivid thumps of his fist making contact with her body, was indeed hate.

When he left, I had just turned fifteen, and I had a better understanding of the world. Or, enough to know that he wasn’t coming back. I felt at peace, knowing he wouldn’t hurt us anymore, that my mom and my happiness was possible now.

Unfortunately, life had it out for me, since I was six so that wasn’t going to happen.

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, a month before my sixteenth birthday. According to the doctor, she had been showing early symptoms of it for over a year, and that she had decided to keep it to herself. He also mentioned that my father, as well as his absence had played a role in the diseases early symptoms.

Through the years of my abuse, my social skills, and self-esteem had withered and died away. So, my mom had remained my only friend.

I didn't want anyone’s company, it didn’t interest me, and I didn’t need it. That is until, I did. Being completely alone, I craved affection and acceptance. And so, I met the worst mistake of my life.

 He was beautiful, kind, perfect, and actually attracted to me. He would save me, I convinced myself when I met him. He was my light at the end of this dark tunnel that my life had become. I had convinced myself that I loved him, and that I needed him. That I couldn't possibly live without him.

 

But, even the most beautiful of things, could be evil. Lucifer was once an angel.

I didn't notice that the person that I had latched on to was a monster until it was too late. Though, I do recall instances where I did see the slightest of moments where the horror in him did surface, and revel its ugly face.

When things begin to melt away and revel the bits of the real person he was underneath it all. With him a regrettable “I'm busy” turned into a harsh, and cold “fuck off” in a matter of months. But, of course I was powerless to act on my feelings. He was all I had, and I believed that he still cared for me. That he loved me and that he was only short tempered. I reassured myself of his love and devotion to our relationship over and over, until…

 

It was our three year anniversary, and Jean had a bad habit of showing up to our dates late, buzzed, and high. He did it so constantly that his mind wasn't really his anymore. In an attempt to get him out of his toxic tendencies, I was ready to give myself to him body and soul. "No body's perfect" I'd tell myself.  This would help him get out of his addictions and bad decisions, I would be helping him. My love would cure him.

We had agreed to meet at my house at 10 o’ clock, and he had promised not to drink, or get high.  I waited excited, I had decorated my room with the dim glow of candles and the elegance of rose pedals. I waited for him extended over bed, naked, and ready to change him. After hours of waiting I got pissed off, turning off the candles as the fire ate them away one by one, once they were all gone, I dressed myself again.

There was a tapping at my window at 3 a.m. (Five hours late) I knew it was him before I even opened it. When I did, he fell into the room and crashed, face first onto the floor. I rushed to help him up, worried that he had hurt himself. But, ended up getting pulled down to the floor with him.

“You look nice” he mumbled, drunkly. “What's the occasion?” He added, digging his head into the crook in my neck. Was he fucking serious? Of course he was. I ignored his comments, and tried to get off the floor, he quickly pulled me back down, pinning me under him. His weight on top of me.

“Where are you going?” He asked a stupid half smug, half-drunk face plastered on.

“Piss off” I said, trying to push him off of me.

“You did this for me didn't you?” He said, sniffing my hair. “Let’s not let this go to waste” he said holding my wrists in his hands, pulling them over my head.

“You had your chance, Jean. Now let go of me.”

 “I don't think so doll face” he said into my ear, he held both my wrists under one hand and lead his free hand into my pants, I felt him gently trace his fingertips over my crotch over my boxers, a shiver went through me. I didn't want this this felt wrong, it felt disgusting.

“Stop, please” I pled, “This isn’t funny” I added, squirming under his weight, and touch.

“Who said I was joking?” he whispered, leaving a trail of kisses on my neck, and one of slobber after them. He caressed my thigh, and I felt like I was going to puke. He quickly stripped off his pants.

 

“Don't do this Jean, this isn't the way,” I begged for him to come to his senses. “I don't want this Jean, please”

I was ignored, he unbuttoned my pants, in hopes to remove them , and I did everything I could to keep him from going further, I kicked, I squirmed, and I pulled at my wrists so he would need his free hand to still me.  When he failed to move on from there, he just flipped me over. He held me down, my face crushed under his hand onto the cold floor.  Squeezed in between the floor, and under him I pushed at the floor with my arms to fight him, but his hands and weight held me in place. His hot, harsh breathing on the back of my neck, while I dug my nails into the floor in pain. The, gut-wrenching smell of liquor mixed with sweat and hint of roses accompanied my pleas. My face hitting the floor after each thrust of his hips. As I cried for him to stop, my felt my insides were torn open.

 He didn't stop, not until after he came. He lifted his weight off of me, when he pulled out. He, pulled a fist full of my hair, forcing my head back, and kissed the back of my head, whispering a "love ya" into my ear, and then disappearing.

I didn't know what to do with myself, so just laid there, face to the floor, and my ass dripping with his semen. I blamed myself. Why wasn't I stronger? Why couldn’t I push him off? Why couldn't I yell louder? Why did this happen to me? Had I done something to deserve this? I felt filthy, I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and set it ablaze. I wanted to watch it burn until this feeling went away, until every trace of it was gone.

Ever since I could remember I had been alone, and I was fine with it, but being on the cold floor, undone, by the man that I had trusted and loved. I felt alone. I wanted my mom. I wanted to run into her arms and tell her everything. I wanted her to hold me and tell me that she was there for me. I wanted her to be there, completely. Not just occasionally, and I wanted her to be the way she was, and I wanted to be the way I was. I wanted the impossible, knowing this I just laid there my pants down, ass full of sperm. Trying to gather up the pieces of myself off the floor. And asking myself why life had it out for me?

~~~

 

“Um” Mikasa said staring at my laptop screen, in horror? I think.

After a lot of thinking, editing, and fighting with myself. I had finally decided to show the draft of my new book to Mikasa and Armin. I showed her first because I knew she would act the least negatively. Even if I killed someone she'd probably praise me for it. And I needed a bit of positivity after weeks of self-doubt and anxiety that led me to this day.

“You hate it” I said closing the laptop in front of her.

“Of course not, Eren, don't be stupid. You don't need me to tell you how good your writing is, but both you and I know this is drastically different than your usual.”

“I know that” I said, as confident as I could make my voice to be.

“I can't assure you it'll sell, considering what your usual audience is.” She said, her eyes reflecting every ounce of worry she had.  “But I can say this, I'll definitely be buying a copy”. She added, giving me a reassuring smile.

Mikasa as supportive as always, I smiled at her knowing perfectly well that she wouldn’t tell me her exact feelings, but whatever she _did_ tell me would be one hundred percent true.

 I had gotten the okay from my publisher to write something different, for my next novel. I had even showed him my first drafts, of course he wasn't sure it would sell either, since my target audience was a little on the young side. My publisher was worried I'd ‘destroy’ my image if I wrote something different. In all honesty though, I couldn't care less about it. I wasn't interested in any fame or recognition, never was. I even used the pen name, Edith J, to keep both my personal and work lives separate. All my books were written with it, keeping my identity a complete and utter secret. I liked it that way.  
  
I showed Armin second, considering he was harsh, but in a good way? He gave the absolute truth, if this was garbage he’d let me know, he’d make sure to make it absolutely clear if it was no less than his expectations.  
  
“This isn't Edith J work”, he said, after a couple of minutes of reading. I doubted he had even bothered to finish reading what I had laid out for him.

“Right, I noticed”

“This isn't going to sell“, and there it was the golden review.

“Good to know you're so positive” I said.  
Armin was never the ray of sunshine that he appeared to be, with his golden hair and pair of blue eyes, who'd would have guessed those blue eyes were pools of frozen over emotions. He did have his warm spots though, and I was hoping to use that to my advantage to get his approval.

“You know what I mean, Eren, this is too different. You won't sell any copies to your audience”

“Mikasa would buy one” I said, matter of factly.

He made a face, “Mikasa buys all your books”

“Just trust me, Armin. This one is different”  


It looked like he was going say something, but he turned to the laptop, probably rereading it, the section he did read that is. He seemed lost in thought while he read, his reading taking longer than the first time.  
  
He sighed. I knew He had given in.  
  
“You have my blessing” he sighed, in defeat.

Mikasa and Armin’s approval were important to me. They are like family, and they helped ease that horrible feeling of anxiety I had. However, before I told them I had already told Erwin, and my editor. Erwin had agreed to support me on whatever decision I made since the beginning of my career, and my editor just agreed because Erwin was there when I pitched the idea, and him being huge and the probability that he could kill him with his bare hands helped get his okay before I even began.

 

Before anyone else, though there was one person that always heard my ideas before any other soul, and before they were even on paper.

***

I walked into to the white building, the familiar smell of soap and doctor’s office surrounded me.

“Eren” the blonde woman sitting behind the check in table called out. I walked up to her, even after seeing her face dozens of times, I couldn’t help but feel slightly intimidated by her features. Sure she was very much shorter than me, but her _I could kill you stare_ , and matching her pair of icy blue eyes, still gave me chills.

“Hey, Annie” I greeted her.

“She's waiting for you at her usual spot” she said flipping the sign-in binder, for me.

“How is she doing?” I asked signing my name, and the date in the binder.

She took the binder back from me, “She had a little of a mishap in the morning.”  She said, her eyes looking over the binder, “She’s better now”

“Is she really?” I said, walking into the entertainment room, not really wanting answer from her.

She was waiting at her usual spot, looking out the window, a blanket over her legs, covering her bottom half and most of her wheelchair.

I walked up to her placing my hand on her shoulder, and kissed her on the top of her head.

“Hello there” she said smiling, politely.

“I have good news” I told her taking a seat.

“Do you now? What is it?” she asked her voice becoming excited. “Is my Grisha is back from his trip?” Her lips curving up into a wide smile after asking.

“No it's not about, Grisha”

Her smile morphed into disappointment, “That's a shame.  I hope he's here by the time our son is born” she said holding her stomach.

It was one of those days. I sighed. There was no helping days like these, there was good and bad, and I was prepared for both.

“What do you plan on naming him?” I asked through a knot that had formed in my throat.

 

 

She rubbed her empty womb ever so gently as she spoke, “I'm not sure I'd like if his name was Eren. But Grisha, like his dad might be good too.” She said admiring her flat stomach.

“I think Eren is a great name” I said.

She looked up to meet my eyes, “You think so? It is nice isn't it?” She asked.

I nodded.

“It's settled then, baby Eren it is” she said looking back down at her stomach.

“Oh I am sorry, how rude of me.” She said, her attention back at me, “You had good news go ahead.”

“It’s nothing much, I just got the approval from my friends about the book” I said

“Oh you're an author? Is this your first book?” She asked.

“It's the first one I've written like this” I said.

“Like what?” She asked

“You could say for a more mature audience” I said, “I got the okay from my publisher, thanks to Erwin” I added, smiling proudly at my accomplishments.

“I'm sorry, my mind isn't what it used to be, but the okay for what?” She asked, her eyebrows coming closer together in worry.

I paused, and held back my tears. Even today after years with her decease it hurt seeing her like this. Seeing her physically here, but mentally lost. Seeing her struggle every day, and not even know that she is killed me.

I cleared my throat, “The approval for a very important book” I said smiling.

 “Oh you're an author? That's great, will this be your first book?” She asked, tenderly smiling at me.

 

This is what's left of my mom. Her disease had been getting worse day by day, I was lucky the days she remembered my name. Ironic enough though, she always remembered my father’s. Thankfully she didn’t usually remember what he had done, and how he had ruined both our lives. I was fine being the only one that could remember that part. I visited her whenever I could, and as often as time would allow me.

I had told her everything since I was a kid. And she listened, like no matter what I said it was crucially important.

She probably didn’t remember, but she was the only one to know that absolutely everything in this new book will be true. That I wouldn’t just be telling a story, I would be telling _my_ story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed it.  
> If you liked it please kudos, and Comment. (I encourage comments, they really make my day)  
> And bookmark if you really really liked it.
> 
> If you have any questions feel free to leave them in the comments or you can contact me at my [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	2. How bad could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay and to clear up any confusion, if any, in the beginning of the previous chapter what that is, is a section of the book Eren is writing. Once any section starts with ~~~ this means it's a section of his book and once the section ends it will also have ~~~. I'm so sorry if any of you were confused.
> 
> But now that it's cleared up, and enjoy this short chapter.

I didn’t usually get called into my publisher’s office, unless it was absolutely necessary. He was an odd man, whenever I did pay him a visit, he’d greet me in a professional manner and go straight to business. Sometimes I wondered if he even had emotions. I did appreciate, that I never felt uneasy or daunted by him though. Walking into his office today, did give off a different atmosphere than any other time, it felt serious, peculiar. I hadn’t seen him since I had gotten the approval for my book, which I’m pretty sure he didn’t like me using Erwin to get. I could’ve made an excuse not to come, but I’d have to face him sooner or later.

“I'm a reasonable person, Eren you know that.” He finally spoke. After a long period of silence was exchanged. But, hearing those words from your publisher was never good sign. He wanted something.

“I know that” I responded, sitting up in my chair, wondering what he wanted.

“Alright, since you so clearly know that” he said raising his eyebrows at my response, “ how's about we talk about a little something I'd like for you to do, considering if that little book of yours doesn't do so hot , I will be losing money. I need for you to do a little something for me in return”

I knew exactly what he wanted, and I wasn't going to lower myself to that level. “No” I said, before even giving him a chance to say anything.

“You can’t just say no, you haven't even heard all I have to say.” He protested, folding his hands in front of himself.

“You think I don't know what you want? You must me crazy if you think I'm going to go along with your sick idea” I disagreed, crossing my arms over my chest, imitating him.

“Eren, I think that because of the circumstances you _have_ to do it"

“Nope I'm not doing it”

“You're not going to be doing anything bad. Just meeting other authors, Eren. You always make it seem like what I’m asking is so wrong.” He assured, “What I'm trying to make you do will help you, and your career. You always react so dramatically”, he opined rolling his eyes at me.

“Look, I'm not into that, all those other authors think they're so much better"

“You don't even know them”

“I don't need to know them to know how self-centered they are”

“You're going”

“B-but”

“It's final, you owe me” he cut me off.  
I scowled, “Fine.” I hated going to those stupid events. I hated them with a passion. Just remembering the first, and last time I attended one of those events made me angry. Each and every author I met was completely obsessed with themselves, and criticized each other’s work with the harshest of insults. But since I couldn't do anything to prevent it, I dragged my body out of the chair to leave, and arguing would be pointless.

When I opened the door to exit his office, a loud thud came from the other side, followed by a rambunctious “Ouch!” Someone had been standing behind the door. I walked out, to check on the person I had smacked with the door. Hanji, stood a couple of feet away, holding on to her nose “Right on the nose” she said, nasally.

“What the hell Hanji? Are you okay?” I asked not bothering to ask why she was standing so close to the door in the first place, knowing Hanji it'd be safer not asking.

“Of course I am, I'm great and I wasn't ease dropping” She said still pinching her nose, and shaking her head furiously to reassure me that she was fine, her dark brown hair flowing side to side.

“That's good to hear" I said, ignoring the ease dropping part, and trying to make my departure before she tried to drag me into one of her never ending conversations.

"Wait, wait! WAIT!" she squealed, grabbing my arm, and pulling me back next to her. I was too late, now I wouldn’t be able to escape.

 "I have a terrific idea!" She chirped, linking our arms together. “I have the perfect person to introduce you to, in the event- “She paused, noticing her slip up, “That- I absolutely did not know you're being forced to go to. This will help you, you know get rid of your fear of people, balloons, or whatever it is that you're afraid of” she intoned waving her free hand in the air as she spoke.

“Thanks, but no thanks, Hanji” I said, trying to walk away before she tried to convince me. I knew Hanji well enough to know not to go along with her ideas.

But, I wasn’t quick enough, “Look” she said holding me by the shoulders, looking into my eyes like what she was about to say could save my life. “What I'm asking, this more for my friend than for you.  He needs more friends, and he's a bit of a- um shy? Not good with people at all! I feel bad for him! I don't know why people are so mean, but he's great and he's my best friend. He's always so alone in these things just thought you could keep him company”

So she was good at making me feel bad, she really was good at convincing me, plus how bad could meeting this shy friend of hers be?  


  
  
  
**Levi  
**

 

Seems I couldn't even enjoy a cup of tea without being annoyed by her. By the time I had made my tea and gone to enjoy it in my living room, in peace. There she was waiting for me just sitting on my couch like if it was a normal thing to break into people's houses. I tried to be quiet while I walked away.  


“Levi! There you are”. Fuck she saw me.

“I was just leaving” I said, pointing to the door.

“Funny as ever Levi, sit, sit” she said, patting the spot next to her. I had no other choice but to comply.

“I have something important to tell you, it involves the event coming up” She said, scooting extremely close to me.

“Fuck no” I said before I gave her the slightest chance to drag me into her ‘genius’ idea.

“What? You don't even know what I was going to ask” she whined.

“I'm not meeting another one of your shitty authors that you try to make my friends” I said, dismissing the idea.

 She flashed me a side glance, “Um I wasn’t going to say that” she lied, oh so noticeably.

 I raised an eyebrow at her, “Is that so?”

“Ugh, this is different Levi I swear” she gave in.

“How?”

“I asked for you to meet, not the other way around, how it usually is” she announced in her usual abnormal enthusiastic way, almost as if she was proud.

“You asked for us to meet?”

“Right”  
  
“That doesn't change anything, if anything it makes it worse” I pointed out.

“Please Levi pleaseeeee you'll like this one I swear”

“No”

“Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” she begged, bringing both her hands up, as if praying.

“No”

“Do it for me?” Was she serious? She thought that would change my mind?

“For you, of course that changes everything. I’d do anything for you” I played along.

Her head shot up, “Really?” she asked, her eyes beaming.

“No I was just fucking with you”

The glow in her eyes vanished, “That wasn’t nice!” she yelled and then went back to begging.

We hadn’t been sitting down for five minutes and she was already giving me a head ache Jesus, she hadn't tried to convince me this badly since she first insisted in representing me, as an author. I hated to admit but if it wasn't for her I'd still be a cashier at Petco, never would have published a book in my life, and probably would have ended up consumed in by vices. She had helped me through a lot, and she was my best friend. But I'd never call her that in person, she'd only make fun me, and never let me forget I said it. Was I over reacting? No I wasn’t. But, how bad could her little author be? Fuck, I was going to regret this.

“Please please please please please please please please please please please please please pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-“

“Fine, just to shut you up”

“Oh my god really?”

“Sure, I'll meet your little author. But, if this goes south, I’m hanging you off the roof from your shitty ponytail” I threatened, but she wasn’t bothered one bit by it.

“Thank youuuu Levii we really are Bffs” she beamed joyfully, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. 

I pushed her off, “We are not, now who is this author I'm going to meeting?”

“Oh about that, you're going to love this!” She said, clapping her hands together.  “It's a surprise!”

A surprise from Hanji? No thank you, “Get out”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.  
> Please Kudos, and Comment if you liked it.
> 
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	3. Looking into an author's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize now how I updated these chapters way too fast in the past. I'm sorry it took me this long to fix them.  
> Enjoy

 

**Eren**

 

Hanji, had convinced me to keep her friend company, not letting me know anything about him other than his name. And now I was stuck meeting a person I knew absolutely nothing about, and possibly risking making a fool of myself. Very fun. Hanji had also, vaguely, mentioned him being a well-known author. Though fame didn’t much interest me, I was curious to how well-known he actually was.

“Do either of you know anything about an author named Levi Ackerman?” I asked Mikasa and Armin as we sat for breakfast a few days after agreeing to Hanji’s request.

Armin seemed to inhale in shock, and began choking on his soup. Mikasa patted him on his back.

“Why the sudden question about Levi Ackerman?” Mikasa asked, while Armin recovered.

I shrugged, “I'm going to be meeting him at the incoming event and I just thought-“

“Whoa, whoa, you're going to meet him?” Armin interrupted me, still coughing.

“Yeah, Hanji convinced me to meet him, why is his name such a shock to you?” I asked, not sure what the big deal was. I was just doing a favor.

“Last time I saw him in person, I was with Connie at an event, more like a fundraiser you know the kids charity event we attend every year?” I nodded, that had been the only event I had missed, last year. “Well, Connie was playing his guitar how he plays it, for the kids”

“Like an idiot” I added. Remixing kids nursery rhymes as raps wasn't good, especially if you forget the chords, and words halfway though it. Funny maybe, but not good.

“Right, he was playing so bad that Levi came on stage out of nowhere and punched him square on the face”

“He did what we all wanted to do” Mikasa said, picking at the arrangement of fruit that she had ordered, with her fork.

“True, but we all have too much of a heart to do that to poor Connie” Armin said, empathetically.

“So what he's an asshole?”

“Exactly”

“Armin, I think I'll be fine. I can take care of myself. I just wanted to know what type of author he is.” I said confidently, Armin and Mikasa always managed to worry about every little thing, and tended to hold my hand through situations. That wasn’t going to happen this time.

 “Well he's one of the bestselling authors in the country” Armin said. _What?_ And just like that my confidence was blown away in the wind.

“Bestselling? Which book is his best?” I asked, trying to keep my voice as confident as it was a moment ago, without them noticing that it had actually retreated back into a hole.

They both looked at each other “Poison” they said in unison.

***

 

Last thing I wanted was to meet another over the top, too good for you to look at or breathe the same air as them author. Hanji had told me that her friend was popular, I hadn’t payed much attention to it, because Hanji had said it, and Hanji _always_ exaggerated. I did not expect him to be so popular. I was already concerned just meeting him, but now I was completely overwhelmed. So, took it upon myself to look for his book. I wanted to get an idea the type of person he was, and you can tell a lot about a person from their work, it was almost like peeking into their life.

When I set out to look for his book, I found it almost immediately. One book store, and one best seller shelf.

‘Poison’ by Levi Ackerman, Hard cover option only.

I studied the, heavy book. The cover pitch black, the word POISON beautifully written in metallic letters, I tilted the book slightly, the metallic letters being eaten away by red, as I did. I couldn't say I had ever seen a more elegant looking book. I turned to read the back.

_I've only loved once and it wasn't the type of love I recommended, it wasn't love for a person. It was more sinister, it was the sickest of loves it was_

_an addiction._

 

Even the back was striking, each letter shinned as the title on the front page did. I opened the last page to the ‘ about the author’.

 

 _Levi Ackerman_ followed by a very appealing looking picture of a very handsome man. His features were almost godly, the pose in the photograph allowed his defined jawline to be almost painfully noticeable, his alluring grey eyes looking at a different direction but I couldn’t help but desire for them to burn into me.  His gorgeous features held together with a very appealing undercut that made me ache. I shook my head trying to rid myself of the emotions that had almost drowned me, looking at the picture.

I read on

 

_Levi Ackerman lives in Chicago IL , born in New York City. Moved at the age of 18._

 

That's it? No age? Is he married?  That’s all he gave his fans? Though, thinking twice about it, I wasn't one to talk. My books didn't even have this much information.

I might be a published author and I might have written over 20 books in my lifetime. But, I never prided myself of my reading skills, I was never very fast. Needless to say,

 

It took me two days to finish his 554 page book. I didn't put it down, I couldn't. Levi truly was the author that everyone on his fan pages made him out to be. Okay so I went on a couple fan pages…for information. Turns out ‘ Poison’ was the first book Levi ever wrote. It made him famous almost instantly. He isn't a very people person though. There was at least a hundred videos of him punching somebody, in different events let it be a meet and greet, a fundraiser, or apparently movie premieres, oh yeah one of his books was made into a movie. I think the books name was ‘A thousand pieces’. I plan on reading that one next. I just hoped he wasn't like the other authors, because right now it didn't seem like it. Sure he seemed on the edgy side, but just because someone assaults people on a daily basis, that doesn’t make them bad right? I mean he did attend more fundraisers, and charity events than any other author, and also donated the most money. He couldn’t possibly be all bad.

 

 

~~~

It was just me and my mom, again, only this time my mom really wasn’t here. So it was just me. I had been deceived by Jean, the person I had trusted most in the world, next to my own mother, and I had paid a horrible price for not noticing who he truly was sooner. It had been weeks since I had even spoken to anybody. I didn't even go to school anymore, but it wasn’t like I had friends anyway. Jean had been texting and calling me, nonstop, but I didn’t bother to amuse him with a response, of course. I was grateful Jean had the decency to not come look for me at my house, or so I thought. But honestly, I was stupid to think he would ever consider my feelings at this point.

About a week after the last time I had seen his repulsive face, there was a meek knock at my door. No one ever visited me so, I didn’t know who to expect when I opened the door a crack, Jean just stood there flowers at hand, and a bashful smile full of lies accompanying them.

“Hi ,E” he muttered, for an instant he looked like Jean. _My_ Jean, not the one from the night before, but the one he used to be before he wreaked him into who stood before me now.

My surprise lasted seconds, when I recovered I tried to close the door immediately, but he was quicker than me and stopped the door with his foot.

“Just hear me out, E” he said jamming his foot further between the gap.

I didn't say a word, I just pushed at the door to close it on his foot.

He grunted in pain, when the door squeezed his foot on the door frame, “Shit. Fine, I'll just talk then” he said, “Look, E I love you. More than anything. You mean the world to me, what am I saying? E, you _are_ my world.”

I paused.

“I love you, there are no words to describe how sorry I am for what I did to you. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but maybe you can find it in your heart to try.” While he spoke I opened the door, and he continued, “I swear to god, that not another drop of liquor will ever touch my lips. I’ll get help! I swear! I-I’ll go to AA meetings, to NA meetings! I will dedicate my entire life to you!” his voice hitched, tears actually started to form in his eyes, “I just can’t live without you, E” he said, I watched him get down in one knee and take out a small black box from his pocket. He extended it to me, and opened it, revealing a ring.

“E will you marry me?”

~~~

 

 

**Levi**

 

_Edith J_

I had gotten the name out of Hanji by bribing her with a Twix.

I was at the book store looking for Edith J’s bestselling book. I had to know what type of bullshit I'd be dealing with before I threw myself face first in this pile of shit that were all of Hanji’s ideas.

 

 _‘Till the next day’_ by Edith J

The title was written in a light shade of blue, the letters were in an exaggerated cursive, practically taking over half of the cover. There was a hard cover and a regular one. I picked up the hard cover

 

I inspected the book, wondering why I had agreed to this, again. The cover, besides the ridiculous title, had two people holding hands in what looked like a forest? Tacky at most. Hell, I was surprised that even fit with the title being the way it was. I turned the book over.

_It was my senior year-_

I let out a loud irritated groan that I’m positive the woman across the bookstore had heard. Great, a high school story, like there wasn't enough of those already. I opened the book to the ‘about the author’.

 

Edith J no picture.

Lives in Chicago IL

 

That's it? What the hell was this bullshit? Fuck, Even my description had more than this sorry excuse. Fantastic. I put down the hard cover for a regular one. It wasn't worth the extra dollars.

I didn't even read the full book. I couldn’t stomach it.  I read the beginning, and to make sure I was right about the crappy quality, and then I read the sappy ending. The ending was exactly what I expected, so decided not to waste my time with a cheap love story.

I called Hanji to try to convince her to get me out of this mess.

_“I can't meet Edith “, I told her coldly._

 

_“And why is that?” She hummed, amused._

 

_“Edith is a terrible author” I hissed at her, she was playing me, she knew damn straight what I meant._

 

_“What book did you read?” She asked calmly, not catching on to my anger, or possibly ignoring it._

_“None, I skimmed.”_

 

_“Which one Levi?”_

_“Till we meet again.”_

_“Bleh, why would you read that one?” She asked, her tone finally changing._

_“It was the bestselling one”_

_“Doesn't mean it's the best” she confirmed. “Read ‘Mother’ by EJ"_

 

I didn't trust Hanji at all but I still looked for the book. Why? Don’t ask me, I had no clue why I looked either. When I looked for it in the first few bookstores I left each one with no success. Regardless, I continued to look for it, something strange drove me to that book. Something unexplainable, I had to find it. I had to read it. After a number of other bookstores, and spending the whole day looking, I found the book all the way in a close to be abandoned, Indiana book store. The book was far from new. It was torn, and had that old book smell to it. The cover was Hazel and the title very small in a simple font, in a very breathtaking, amber. The author name was different Instead of the Edith J it was printed with ‘Ej’ in the cover like Hanji had said, but was Edith really Ej? I flipped the book over,

 

_Life gives little opportunities for love, and the love that is given runs risk of being a twisted, and ruthless._

_But, the love unconditional, and veracious love of a mother is gift to us at birth._

_I appreciated every moment of this gift for sixteen long years. But, nothing is forever._

I flipped to the ‘about the author’. Instead of an ‘about the author’ there was a charming little picture of a woman, who I assumed was Ej’s mother, sitting in a hospital bed smiling her facial structure and characteristics seemed oddly familiar, to the point that it made my stomach go in a knot. I ignored it and continued to appreciate the book. The small words in the corner of the photograph caught my eye, they read _‘My aspiration’_  and they were written in the same amber color as the title only that a brown hazel color surrounded it, in an elegant, pattern of very beautiful swirls, going on to the border of the back of the book.

The book was on a regular cover, but it most definitely deserved a hardcover.

 

I finished it too fast. It felt as if I hadn’t even gotten an opportunity to truly enjoy it. I read it, cover to cover, and I finished the book in seven hours. I was so pulled in by the story of Edward, and his sickly mother that I finished the book in record time. I looked up any knowledge of the book to be absolutely sure the book was indeed written by Edith. I looked everywhere but there was no sign anywhere that Edith and Ej were the same person. I even found out that there was only 100 copies of ‘Mother’ printed, also that it is the only book written by the pen name, Ej. Which meant Hanji lied, what a surprise. I suppose I was partially to blame for not researching her before, but I wouldn’t mention that to Hanji when I shoved my foot up her ass. And on top of that, now I couldn't back out of meeting Edith, I couldn’t cancel something like that a day before. At this point, two feet up Hanji’s ass seemed more appropriate, now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading.  
> Kudos, Comment please :)
> 
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	4. Short but sweet- kind of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very tired. It is 3:32 a.m. and I should be asleep. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Eren**

 I caught myself being excited about meeting Levi throughout the week. I planned on showing him a quick draft of my book, when we met. I hadn't told anyone of my plan. I didn’t plan to either, until I heard what he had to say. I wasn’t nervous about showing him, which was strange. I actually felt quite the opposite. I did hope I didn't get punched on the face. Levi would be the perfect person to determine the success of my book, and I was determined. I even went out to buy a new Tux, trying on different ones for hours, until finding the perfect pitch black Tux that the lady in the store said “made me look delicious”. Would he like it, and think I’m delicious? Err…I needed to make a good impression, that’s why I was so invested in it. It was a favor that had turned out for the better, nothing more. It wasn’t like I was excited to meet _him_ , I was excited to show such an amazing author my work that’s all…  
  
“You bought a new suit ? Are you sure you don't love this Levi person?” Erwin said, looking very concerned as he looked me over. I understood the concern, I most likely looked crazy standing in the mirror for as long as I had, taking off any microscopic lint I thought I had seen.

“Oh c’mon, don't say that. You know I don't even like these things, my publisher is making me go, and I also promised Hanji I'd meet the guy.” I assured him, turning away from the mirror after probably five hours.

“Still doesn't answer the new tux question” he said, tapping my shoulder.

“Oh, um my old one ripped”

Erwin had started to notice the excitement I had felt all week, which felt wrong for some reason.  
  
“Also I'm sorry I couldn’t go to this thing with you, I have an extra, last minute shift.”

“It's totally fine, Hanji will be there to ease up the tension”, I shrugged brushing off his absence. Also feeling a bit guilty for feeling the smidgen of happiness when he had told me he wouldn’t be accompanying me.

“That's true” he laughed, “Have fun over there Eren” he called out as I made my way to the door.

 “Thanks you too”, I joked, knowing he’d be working, and not at all having fun.

He laughed. A second shift at the station he must really love his job. Maybe he would have fun. Of course he always did love his job, we had met for the first time while he was on the clock.  
I was already at the hotel when Hanji called that she wouldn't be able to make it. I was going to be alone with Levi. Me, the anxious pile of human was going to be alone with Levi Ackerman. And in came the wonderful anxiety, and self-doubt to keep me company.

  
  
**Levi**

 

I was miserable, I didn't want to meet Edith. If the person I would have been meeting was Ej I wouldn't have minded at all, but shit never works out the way I want. It never did. I had been constantly calling Hanji all day, but she answered with a text message of an apology saying that she wouldn't be able to make it. I wanted to throw my phone, but I kept calling instead, and called over thirty times, but each time I’d get sent to her voicemail, so after calling one last time, I left a very colorful voicemail, explaining my feelings towards her and her incompetence. I decided I'd just have to go through the torture of meeting the girl. I painfully walked into the crowded event and waited for her to just walk up to me and introduce herself as Edith, considering I had no clue how she looked. Since she thought she was too good for a picture on her book.  
  
  
The handful women that did come up to me, only did to hit on me and ask for my number, never did they mention who they were or anything about an evil four eyed women setting up our meeting.  I wouldn't have minded if one of those girls was Edith, they were would I imagined Edith looked like, simple and desperate. I gave up half way through the night. Then a cute kid walked straight up to me, and my night was flipped around.

I saw him across the room before he had even decided to grace me with his presence. He looked lost, as he looked around the banquet. It seemed he was looking for something. People would get near him, probably to talk to him or hit on him and he would scurry away. It was cute. His lost look vanished when he caught me staring. I didn’t take my eyes off of him, of course. I even sent him a little smirk, then he was the one to look away his cheeks becoming rosy when he did. When he walked up to me, he didn’t even give me a minute to do anything he went straight to the point and introduced himself.

 “Hello M-My name is Eren Jaeger” he said, extremely jumpy. I looked at the kid from bottom to top, he was semi built, his legs were long and toned under his trousers, his shoulders were broad, and his tux hugging his arms comfortably. His skin was a wonderful tan, and there was a sort of glow to it. He did not look bad. But when I saw his eyes I froze. My confidence was gone, and I was at his mercy, His exquisite pair of eyes were the perfect mixture of green and blue to drown a person in, and I would gladly volunteer to do so. They suffocated me, where I stood. I couldn’t breathe anymore. Every second I spent looking into them, the stronger the urge of losing myself in their perfection became.

“Levi “, I managed to mutter. The kid took my hand and shook it, I hadn't noticed his hand was extended I was too distracted by his eyes, could you blame me though? They were a breathtakingly amazing, their ocean color, seemed awfully familiar.  
“I know who you are Levi”

“What?” I asked, his sentence taking my attention away from his gorgeous eyes.

“Well yeah, everyone here knows you.” He said timidly, “Your work is amazing, by the way” he added, his eyes traveling down to his feet.

So the kid was cute. No. Cute was an understatement, he was drop-dead gorgeous. But, I was still me, so I was still a bitter asshole. “Oh yeah? Which one? The one where I knock a man out with one blow?” I asked, “Or do you mean the books I've written?” I also had a bad sense of humor. He became visibly tenser after that, and fidgeted with the zippers of his messenger bag.

Oh no. I wasn’t driving this one away, “Kid, I'm joking. I appreciate your interest in my work, honestly” I said patting the kid on the shoulder. He jumped, I think I even heard him squeak. I felt bad for him, plus he was very much my taste. So, “Let me buy you a drink” I offered.

His shoulders dropped, and he relaxed. He looked up a me flashed me the slightest of smiles

 “Sure” he said, his perfection blinding me, it did something to me that made my heart skip a beat, bringing up emotions that had been buried in the dark pit that is my heart.

 He had a Long Island Ice Tea, and I had a water. We both talked for a while. He talked a lot about books, while I intensely listened. He spoke about each one in great detail, with such a passion and with strong infatuation and excitement that before I knew it, I was actually interested in what he said, but for all I know I listened because of the way his face light up when he spoke. He could have been talking about absolute shit, and if his face looked the way it did I could listen to him all day, I wanted to listen to him all day…

He paused after finishing his sentence, His smile melted me, but I didn’t mind one bit. “I was actually wondering, Levi...” He started, shyly taking out a vanilla envelope from his messenger back. “Could you possibly read over my draft of this… just for some advice? I'd really be grateful”

I hated looking over others peoples work, “for advice”. What type of advice could I possibly give? Writing had always came naturally to me. I couldn’t give any advice to this precious boy, that wouldn’t just scare him away. But I went along with it and I read the kids draft. It was good. It was very good. I was impressed, since the kid was exquisite I didn’t think he’d also be blessed with talent too. I was glad I was completely wrong, for once. The few pages I read gave a sort of chill that only happens with a good book. This kid, Eren, was going places. Why had I never heard of him? Thank god Edith J wasn't the one I spent my night with. I silently thanked Hanji for making me come. And Edith for not showing up.

“This is phenomenal, Eren.” I said and for the first time in a long _long_ time, I meant it.

“You think so?” His whole face illuminated.

“I do” I said, returning his smile, “It's better than most of the work that has crossed my path”

“Is that so?” He asked.  
“Yes, for example I was supposed to meet a woman today, an author like you and I”

“Really?”  
“Yes, but thankfully she didn’t show up” I said, handing him back his envelope. “I was reluctant to meet her all week.” I shook my head remembering how terrible her book had been. “No one wants to meet a bad author, and that’s exactly what she is. Her work is trash compared to yours, her work is so typical, so cheap, so uninteresting, that it hurt me physically to read it”

“Oh” he said, his tone different than before. But I didn’t catch it.

“I’m glad she didn’t show up. She would have just wasted my time.” I added

“And what is the name of said author? He asked, looking down at the shoulder strap of his messenger bag, something was off, I could tell. I should have asked, but me being me I didn’t.

“You've probably heard of her, Edith J”I said.

“Edith J?” He repeated, finishing his drink all at once. 

“That's what I said, let me order another drink” I offered. I took the glass from his hand, and turned to face the bartender,

“Another one, please”

I’m not what people would call, a ‘nice’ person. I am guilty of being a jackass I admit, but there is times that I catch myself in the act, usually it doesn't bother me, because I really couldn't give less of a crap what people thought of me, but this time felt different. I think I actually cared.  
The bartender gave me Eren's drink and my water.  
“Look Eren, I come off as a jerk sometimes but I don't want you-“I said turning around, but he was gone.

What the hell? He had just gone up and left? Was he mad? Had it been what I said? I looked for him for a around the banquet. I was unsteady knowing the kid thought bad of me, hated to admit though, considering my reputation and my not caring for other people's pointless opinions.  I looked for almost the entire night, and asked a few people. Strangely enough no one had heard of an author named Eren. I looked for him with no luck. He had left after I had talked shit about Edith, it was insensitive of me to just diss her the way I did, but it was all true. Why had he just left though? It wasn’t like I had been talking about him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Comment, Kudos.
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	5. The impact on me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3:38 a.m I don't have the energy for notes. Sorry.  
> Enjoy!

 

~~~  


Married? With Jean? I had imaged this moment before, multiple times before, in my head. Each time more romantic than the last. Once he did it in the beach. We had been walking along the sea, barefoot, the sand getting between our toes, and the waves of the ocean being absorbed by the sand under us. He would arrange a romantic dinner for the two of us in the middle of the beach, candle light being the only source of light in the starry night. Another time, I imagined it would happen in a romantic dinner, it would have been our anniversary, and he would have saved up for months for the special night. I didn’t know what he was planning, so when the waitress came out with an engagement ring inside my Long Island Ice Tea, my heart would sink, and I would yell yes, while everyone in the restaurant clapped for us, wishing us the best. Each scenario I had imagined was nothing like this, what was now before me. 

“Jean…” I said opening the door completely. To get a full view of him, “I don't know what to say”  
“You could say yes, E” he rose the ring closer to me.  
“You know what? I got a better answer” Jean looked at me confused.

I hesitated on my answer for a while. I loved this man, even after what he had done. I hated this emotion, but I didn’t hate him. But, I also didn’t plan on marrying a rapist.

“How about fuck no?” I said, and slammed the door on him.

~~~  


**Levi**

 

After the event, and after giving up on finding Eren, for now. Hanji decided to finally call me back.

_“How'd it go?”_ She asked, right away. Not even bothering to let me chew her out for not showing her shitty face in a meeting that _she_ had planned.

  
_“With who?”_ I asked.  


_“Edith”_ she said followed by a disturbing giggle.  


_“Oh, She never showed”_  
  


_“I bet you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself”_ She said, ignoring me. What the fuck was she even talking about? Keeping my hands to myself? What type of reaction had she expected I would have?

_“Are you deaf?”_ I shouted at her to get her attention, _“She never fucking showed”_ I repeated into the phone.

_“She? What do you mean by she?”_   Hanji asked, and then gasped as if she had caught on, _“Wait Levi no-“_  
  


_“Right what a surprise that your little friend didn't show, her work was garbage anyways”_ I cut her off, now that she finally understood how stupid her idea had been. I took the chance to also ask about Eren since her dumbass seemed to know everyone. _“ I met this kid though, Maybe you know him, his name is Eren. I was wondering if-”_  


_“Oh no”_ she said, not letting me finish.

_“Don’t interrupt me.”_ I warned. __  
  


_“Ohhhh no no no, you don’t understand, Levi”_ she said, her voice worried? That was different. __  
  
“What is it?” I asked.

_“Um nothing, probably”_  
  
  
“Okay? Well this kid, Eren, he left really suddenly I was-”  


_“Oh no, what did you tell him before he left?” She cut me off, again._  
  
“Nothing I just complimented him.”

_"And how did you do that?"_ She asked, her voice still odd for some reason.

_"I'm not sure what you're getting at"_

_"Levi please, this is crucial"_

_"Crucial? I doubt that."_ I rolled my eyes at her comment, what _wasn’t_ crucial to Hanji?

_"Levi!" She actually yelled._

_"Alright, I just compared his amazing work to Edith's pile of shit. No big deal"_  
  
She exaggerated a gasp, “ _Oh no Levi why why why would you do that?”_  
  
  
“What? What's so bad about that?”  
  
  
“Oh my sweet Levi my sweet sweet Stupid Levi”  
  
  
“Watch it”  
  
  
_“Edith is Eren_ _you moron”_  
  
**_I was wrong this was now very much Crucial_**

 

 

**Eren**

 

Right from the beginning from meeting Levi he seemed different from the other authors. He was careless, in the right ways. He was the complete opposite of what I expected. Until you know he mocked my entire career, dragging it on the dirt, running it over with a truck, and practically shitting on it. Which I thought I was completely fine with, I mean I never cared for criticism, especially negative. But I was actually hurt by Levi's comments. I wanted him to approve of me…and my work. When he had complimented the few pages that I had showed him of my new book I was on top of the world, but then he pushed me off when he mentioned my work under my pen name.

  
One good thing did come from meeting the asshole that is Levi Ackerman, I actually got insight on my book. Now, I was positive that it would do great. I had to be honest with myself though, Levi was, in a way, right. I even thought my books were “cheap”, and “tacky”. I was never completely proud of my work, the recent one that is. Sure I'd never tell that to him. Levi did seem like a good enough person. A bit cold, and very honest, but he seemed great at first. Maybe I being a fan of his work helped, either way what he said was uncalled for, and plain cruel.  
  
  
I was at my publisher’s office, getting a briefing on the final touches of a book that was in the process of publishing.  
  
“How was it?” He finally asked after a long time of dancing around the subject. All morning I had noticed that he had been avoiding the topic.

“Stupid.” I said, playing with one of his desk arrangements, “Just as I said it would be” I added, swinging back one of the small balls on his Newton’s cradle.

“I doubt it was that bad. Tell me about one of the authors you met” he said, looking at his computer screen as he spoke.

“I actually only met one” I admitted.

“One? There were at least fifty authors there what the hell happened?”

“I don't know” I lied. How would I tell him that I avoided everyone, and then became lost in a conversation with Levi for the remainder of the time, just before I ran away from him without a word?

“You don't know? Eren don't give me that.”

“This guy was interesting I guess” I was lying again, I knew he was much more than _just_ interesting to me.

“Who's the author that you met then?”

“Levi Ackerman” my publisher looked away from his computer so fast that I was shocked he hadn’t snapped his neck. His face went white, he looked down at the papers scattered on his desk, restlessly reorganizing them.

“Y-you met Mr. Ackerman, a-and you're not hospitalized. How?!” He asked, his voice just as shaky as his hands. I was confused what was up with the ‘Mr. Ackerman’? He had never been that formal with me.

“Yeah?” I answered raising an eyebrow at him.

“I should send you to more of these events! You're a natural at them! Levi Ackerman! You met _the_  Levi Ackerman and you aren't dead! I still can't believe it!” He yelled, throwing around the papers on his desk in celebration. I didn’t know what in the world was going on, much less what had gotten into him, so I let myself out after that. He obviously needed some time alone.

And of course there was Hanji, waiting, 'not ease dropping'.

“Eren fancy seeing you here” she stopped me. Leaning on the wall, trying to play off my catching her again.

“Very funny, what's up Hanji?”

“It's about Levi”

“Bye Hanji” I began to walk away. I was too tired to hear about Levi today, I had enough thinking about him these past few days.

“Wait you need to hear this” she said, rushing in front of me.

“I really don't“, I said, trying to walk around her.

She extended her arms out to stop me, “Okay here goes” she said ignoring my comment completely.

“Levi is an idiot.” She said, shaking her head in disapproval “A short short, extremely short, microscopic, tiny, vertically challenged, too small to function..."

 "Hanji" I called, letting her know she was going off topic, even if I did enjoy the insults.

"Sorry, what I'm trying to say is that he's an idiot, and he's very extremely sorry” 

I understood Hanji was a nice person. She was the first person to speak to me after joining the publishing company, she had even brought me cupcakes, gross undercooked cupcakes but it’s the thought that counts. I didn’t understand why she had such a sweet spot for Levi.

“Why are you apologizing for him?” I asked her.

“Well um - he's very shy” she said, trying to smile innocently, but coming off more as guilty.

“Didn't seem shy went he practically shitted on my books”

“Well that's cause he didn't know you were Edith, Eren"

So that was why he hadn’t mentioned Hanji when we met, that made sense, “Yeah I figured, still doesn't change what he said.”

She was about to say something and I cut her off

“Look , Hanji I appreciate you apologizing, but I didn't want an apology from you, I need one from him” I have her a quick hug, she dropped her arms, “Then I’ll _consider_ forgiving him” I said to her and left.

Armin, Mikasa, even my publisher; I guess I wasn't the only one that Levi made an impact on. It was different for me though, most people feared him, and adored his _work._ But me, I adored something other than his books. I was enthralled in his deep voice, the way it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand, and made my knees weak. I couldn't stop thinking about the color of his eyes, his dazzling stare that felt as if he was looking directly into my soul and the yearning for him to look deeper. The way my heart beat reacted to even the mention of his name. Nobody else felt that. Nope that was just me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I work on compulsions, I really should not be posting all these chapters so close together. Probably going to regret that later, but we'll walk on that bridge when we get there so on goes my posting frenzy.
> 
> ^  
> Update: 100% regret it. I wish i could smack my past self. That bridge was fucking broken. 
> 
> Kudos and Comment please. Thank you for reading. 
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	6. Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3:45 a.m.  
> What's sleep again?  
> Enjoy!

 

**Levi**

 

“So what happened?” I asked Hanji, who had just arrived to my apartment and for the first time I didn't mind.

“He wants you to apologize” she said. I took a step back, whoa _m_ e _apologize_? This kid must be fucking crazy. 

“Fuck no never”, I said “I don’t do apologizing”, but in the back of my mind I was considering, possibly doing it.  
“Well maybe send him some flowers?” she offered.

“What the fuck? No.” Who did this kid think I was? A fucking ‘romantic’? “Do you think that'll work?” I asked.

“I don't know he seemed really steamed” She said, tapping her chin thinking to herself, like if that would help, “Send some chocolate too, just to be safe”

What the hell was I thinking? I shouldn't care about this, I just spoke my mind. I wasn’t _wrong._ Ugh and now I was thinking of sending chocolates as an apology? No. Fuck no. He should apologize to me for standing me up. He left out of nowhere. No warning what so ever. Like I was some sort of toy for him to play with.

“You know what? Don't send anything, he's acting like a Brat so fuck that. I've never cared what people have thought of me, having that kid think bad of me doesn't change anything.” I knew I thought differently, but my pride always did get the best of me.

“Levi-“

“Drop it” I cut her off, before I did something stupid and actually agreed to sending the damn flowers.

  
  
**Eren**  


I had decided not to tell anyone about what had happened between Levi and myself. I couldn’t without also pouring out the emotions that had infected me that night. I tired to keep my mind off of him, by distracting myself, with anything. But, always being alone in a apartment wasn’t really doing the job for me, so I invited Mikasa and Armin over. Who knew, maybe I would actually get some work done, instead of spending my time looking him up, and drooling at his pictures.  


“So guys, you know that book I published a couple of months ago?” Armin held up his book for me and Mikasa to see.

“What about it?” Mikasa asked, looking up from her canvas.

“Well, I won an award”

“Oh my god! Armin congratulations!” Mikasa stood up and embraced Armin, “We should celebrate!”

“Definitely. You in Eren?” Armin asked, waving his book to me.  
“Sure why not? I need a break from typing anyways” I lied closing my tabs of Levi’s pictures, then my laptop.

“Great” Armin said putting on his sweater, “I'll wait in the car” he said opening the front door.

I put my laptop away in my room. I was getting my jacket when I heard the doorbell. It was probably Connie and Sasha.

“Can one of you open that?” I yelled outside of my room.

I walked out and was greeted by a Bouquet of flowers, an arrangement of White roses complemented nicely with yellow roses. There was about Two dozen of each rose.

“What is this?” I asked pointing at the lovely arrangement of flowers, which also smelled as wonderful as they looked.

“They're for you” Armin said, setting them down on the small counter.

“Me?” I asked, completely lost.

“Who sent them?” Mikasa demanded, stepping between Armin and I.

Armin dug into the assortment, and pulled up a card. He tried to hand it to me, but Mikasa got a hold of it before I could even reach for it.

She read over the white card, and her face was taken over with disgust. It was the same exact face she made when she accidently drank a cup spoiled milk that one time “Why is Levi Ackerman sending you flowers?” Mikasa asked.

“And chocolates?” Armin chimed in. I shot Armin a glare, he wasn’t helping. Mikasa was already pissed.

“I don't know?” I answered.

“A man like Levi Ackerman doesn't just send someone flowers for no reason” Armin said.

“Or chocolates, especially in the shape of a heart” Mikasa added taking the box from Armin, and holding up the box, as evidence.

Thank god the doorbell rang, taking the attention off of me.

“What now? Did he send you a stuffed bear too? Maybe some jewelry?” Mikasa mumbled opening the door.

As soon as the door opened Sasha burted in, almost running over Mikasa, and Connie walked in right after her.

“I smell chocolates!” Sasha yelled, walking directly to the box of chocolates, not bothering to even give us a second look.

“Who's flowers?” Connie asked pointing at the bouquet that took up most of the counter.

“Eren’s” Armin answered.

“Levi Ackerman sent them” Mikasa added, angrily. Connie raised his eyebrows, in surprise or maybe fear?

“Does- ?”

“No. He doesn’t know” I answered his question, knowing perfectly well what it would be, “And he doesn't have to know”

“Eren he has to know.” Mikasa said, ever so caring.

“Since when do you care about him? You practically hate him” Armin said.  
“Mikasa hates anyone that tries to steal her precious Eren” Sasha said in between of bites of chocolate, half of the box already gone, probably along with most of her cavity free teeth too.

“Shut it Sasha” Connie said, for Sasha's own good.

“It's true. I'm not even sure if she likes Armin, considering how close he and Eren are.” Sasha said, snorting at her own joke, and ignoring Connie.

Mikasa shot Sasha a stern look, “You should probably listen to Connie “ Mikasa said. Sasha actually stopped eating and nodded nervously.

We left after that, I decided not to get rid of the flowers. They were too beautiful to just throw away, I'll just make something up. Sasha finished the chocolates so that wasn't a problem. I was probably making this a bigger deal than what it was. I didn’t need this right now. I had just wanted to have a good time with my friends, forgetting all about Levi Ackerman and his wonderful flowers.

 We went out to a glamorous dinner to celebrate Armin’s award, and after to a nearby bar to continue celebrating. Not at all because I didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment to just end up looking up the man I was trying so hard to forget.

“It's getting late, Eren you sure you don't want to head out?” Armin said handing me a drink.

“Yeah I'm good” I said taking the drink from him. I didn't drink much or go out like this, so it felt good to let lose.

“That's good, so I was wondering the award ceremony is next week and I'd like it if you went?”

“Of course, Armin. I thought I was already going though? ” I said, setting down my drink, “Why are you inviting me so professionally?”  
“I just know how much you hate these type of events”

“You’re my best friend, I wouldn’t miss it for the world”, I said draping my arm over his shoulders” You might have a tougher time convincing Mikasa to go, actually” I laughed.

“Not really. As long as you go, she'll go.” he smirked because he knew he was right.  
  
  
~~~~

  
They say that once you reach rock bottom, that there's only one direction to go from there…up. Thing is shit didn’t get any better, it was as if I had somehow dug a deeper hole for myself.

When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She was diagnosed in the second stage, and the doctors had warned me about the disease’s rapid development. They warned me about what will happen with time. That there will be a day when she won’t recognize me. That I’d be a stranger to her. I ensured them that I was capable. What kind of son would I be if I didn’t take care of my mom? There was tough days, of course. The ones where she couldn’t remember what she had done that morning, or she wouldn’t remember what she had for lunch. It soon, she couldn’t remember where she had said seconds ago, or where she was. I knew it was getting worse. I knew I couldn’t stop it, I had prepared for it. Or so I thought.

I was coming home from my night shift at work, I always made sure to come back in time to be there to greet my mom when she woke up. The air was crisp and refreshing on my skin, I always loved autumn. It was like a perfect hybrid between summer and winter. My home wasn’t the most extravagant, but it was a roof over my head and fairly cheap so I wasn’t complaining. Thing is the price you pay is also the quality you receive. When I stepped into my house, the door was wide open. The locks had broken off easily. First thing that I thought was that we had gotten robbed, I rushed into my mom’s room to look for her. She wasn’t there. I searched the entire house, not missing any corner. She was gone. I started to freak out, where was she? How far could she have gone? Was she safe? I wasn’t going to call the police, I couldn’t. They would separate us.  They would find out that my father wasn’t living with us anymore, they would take her from _me_ , I would be alo- … then I realized, I was being selfish. I was putting my feelings above her well-being, above her safety. I had to think about her, not myself. So, I called the police. They found her in a nearby park, in a tree. When I went to the park to indeed confirm it was her. She was sitting in the ambulance, a blanket cloaked around her shoulders. She looked at the lake. People would speak to her, and she would remain mute, her eyes never leaving the lake. I walked up to her, her pajamas were dirty from mud, and her hair had been freed from her side ponytail, her soft brown eyes glued to the lake. I hugged her right when I got close enough. As soon as I did, she pushed me off.

“Don’t touch me!” she yelled, fixing her blanket that had fallen off from my embrace. I looked at her not sure what to say, or how to react. She noticed how lost I was, “I-I don’t know you” she whispered, looking back at the lake.

They took her to a nursing home after that. I was deemed too young to look after her, but was allowed to visit her. I nodded as if I understood and actually heard this when it was told to me. But, my mind was still back at the park, when the words “I don’t know you” came from my mom. When what I thought I had prepared for and was positive I could handle became reality. It felt as if my body had taken control, moving, breathing, but me I was stuck.  I was slowly breaking inside. And I couldn’t hold my pieces together on my own. I had no choice at this point. Not anymore.

I knocked at the door lightly, a part of me hoping he wouldn't open it, and that I would be forced to go through this alone, without needing this.  But fate had another plan for me.  
The door opened a crack then it flew open when he realized it was me.  
  
“E?” Jean said, obviously surprised.  
  


~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: If I could strangle my past self I so would. Editing these chapters are killing me.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comment please, but really please comment  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	7. Offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prediction: Hanji's a ninja. Probably.
> 
> Other than that I don't have much to say.  
> Enjoy.

~~~

 

“Jean- “, I squeaked out, trying to hold back my tears, and the knot in my throat. “She forgot me” I whispered. Jean was quick to react, he immediately embraced me, he knew that I wasn’t well. He knew that from the beginning and if he held me the way he used to, I’d just fall for him again. He wasn’t wrong because for an instant things felt normal. He held me, in the middle of all this. He brought me back.

“We both knew this was going to happen sooner or later, E, we prepared for this” he said. “I’m here for you. I always will be” he quietly muttered the comforting words into my ear. I hated myself for loving the sound of that. For loving the way he used 'we' to imply that it was our suffering rather than just my own. That I wasn’t alone. But, even after everything that had happened, I hated myself even more for loving him. I couldn’t stop my tears from that point on. I buried my face in his shoulder and let everything out.

 

~~~~

 

**Levi**

 

 All I wanted to do today was work on my book. I just wanted silence. I even changed the lock to my door, again. I had no clue how she even got in, but yet there she was eating all the food in my fridge, again.

“Oh hey Levi” she said with a mouth full of bread and pasta.

“Smart move changing the lock on your door. Keeps all the creeps and weirdos out, changing them as often as you do.”

“Unfortunately I just can't seem to get rid of one in particular”

“Is that so? Maybe you should think of getting a restraining order?” She proposed tapping the bread stick in her hand to her chin “Ohohoh! Or a guard dog?" She offered, lifting the bread stick in the air.

"You know I can't stand animal hair. It gets everywhere and it's so hard to clean" I said.

"Whatever, clean freak.” She said, “’kay, enough talk about your stalker. There's a thing going on today”

“A thing? Sounds fun” I said even more sarcastically than usual.

“Give me a chance to explain” she said waving the bread stick she was working on. I guess it didn't hurt to listen to her, I did need a bit of a break. I motioned her to continue. “There's an award party thing going on later today, for a book written by Armin Arlert.”

I lowered my eyes at her, “And why should I care?" I asked.

“Levi because Armin and Eren are like this” she crossed her fingers “Duh!” she added, taking a bite from the shrinking breadstick.

“I don't care.” I said trying to end this useless conversation.

“Ugh I need to explain everything. This is Armin's first award and him and Eren are friends which means, Eren will be there”

“So?”

“So?! So you get to see him, to apologize?!” Was she kidding? I had made it clear that I was doing no such thing.

“Dammit, I already said I wasn't going to apologize”

“I thought you'd say that” she said more seriously, but I couldn’t take her seriously with all the sauce on her face. “That's why the publisher made it mandatory for you to go!” she smirked, like she had won this one. She was acting like she hadn’t known me for as long as she did.

“Are you an idiot? I don't give a flying fuck if the president himself made it mandatory for me to attend, I'd still wouldn't”

He smirk left sooner than what it took her to empty out my fridge, “C’mon please? Please pleaseeeee pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?” And here we go again…

My head was already starting to hurt. “No. Piss off” I said leaving _my_ apartment for something quieter. I wasn’t in the mood.

 

 

**Eren**

 

I had worked so much all week, that by the time I joined society again, it was the day of Armin's award ceremony. I had pissed away my whole week, and had no time to even get a gift. I also had to use the same Tux as I used in the event I had attended a couple weeks before, hopefully nobody would notice. I was so late for it that I would surely be the last to arrive from the group, even after Connie and Sasha. Sucked how bad I was with keeping track of time.

When I finally did arrive, Armin was making his speech, and accepting his award. I had barely made it. Any later and Armin would have killed me. Mikasa spotted me in the crowd right away.

“No Erwin?” Sasha asked, plate of snacks at hand.

“Work” I apologized, for him.

“As long as Eren made it we're good. “ Mikasa commented.

“As mean as always” Connie commented.

“It's who she is” I joked.

“Have any of you even read Armin's book?” Connie asked, scratching the back of his head, I assumed in guilt.

“Nope” Sasha said proudly.

“I did, he deserves it” I said.

“I did too” Mikasa added.

Armin finished his acceptance speech, surprisingly thanking even me in it.

“I'm going to go congratulate Armin” Mikasa said, walking into the crowd. Connie and Sasha joined her as she left. The crowd had

doubled and I was not in the mood to fight off a mob. I'd wait until it cleared up to congratulate him.

“Lucky you, you get mentioned in an acceptable speech but you can't win an award” the deep familiar voice that came from behind said, sending a chill up my spine, and a skip to my heart.

“Where are your awards?” I asked Levi, turning around to face him.

“Believe me I've won plenty kid, by the way nice Tux, it's the same one as the other night right?” He asked smirking while he looked me over, something in his eyes made my heart go to overdrive.

“Why are you here?” I asked changing the subject. Hoping he didn't notice the embarrassment in my voice.

“I was invited, and I also needed to talk to you.” he said calmly, taking his eyes off of my tux and looking into my eyes.

I almost forgot how to talk when he did, “Oh so you aren't here just to be an ass?”

“Unfortunately, no.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest, pretending to look disappointed. “Look, I'm here to talk about our little mishap the other night”

“Okay, just apologize and leave me alone” I said, maybe too harshly, and not really wanting him to leave at all.

“Why would I apologize?” He said dully, maybe I wasn't being harsh _enough_.

“Are you serious?”

He shook his head, “I don't apologize for anything I do, ever.” he said his face blank, making me assume he was telling the truth, though his face always looked like that.

“You're so full of shit, you've apologized at least five times” I said exaggerated.

“I would never”

“You even sent flowers! And chocolates in a heart shaped box!” I exclaimed drawing a heart in the air with my fingers.

His eyes widened a bit, “Fucking four eyes.” He cursed under his breath.

“What?”

He sighed, and held the bridge of his nose, he was either pissed or a really good actor. “Hanji sent that shit. Do you really think _me_? They guy that punched your goofy looking friend for being annoying would send you flowers?” I was quiet. He was right, maybe it was stupid of me to think that a man like Levi would ever send something like that.

“Right. I don't do that shit”

“Honestly though, I'm here because of that draft you showed me the night before.” He said, looking back up at me. “Look, I'm not good with people, I don't do that sensitive shit. But, do I know books kid and yours will be truly a masterpiece, and with the right tools it can reach its full potential. Just let me help you reach it. You have talent kid, and I don't want it to go to waste in one of your usual tasteless books.” He raised his eyebrows at me, “Because, your previous books are cheap I won't take any of that back. If you don't think you can handle that I guess that's that, but if you do want to make that book the best of the best feel free to find me” he said handing me his card.

I didn't look at it, I didn't even say goodbye when he left. I was speechless, what the hell had happened?

“Was that Levi?” Armin asked, from behind me.

I gave him a slight nod, “Yeah” was all I managed to say.

“What'd he say?” He asked looking down at the card I held in my hand.

“He offered to help me with my book”

 

**Levi**

 

That went pretty well. I mean, I didn't punch him that had to count for something. I hadn't even told Hanji I planned on attending this stupid party, but I had to see that kid again. I don't know if I really just did it because of the draft he had showed me, or if there was another reason, but I went with my gut. Sure the kid was a bit in the bratty side, but I knew what I had gotten myself into, and I hoped that I wouldn't fuck this up. After I did what I came to do, I wasn't in the mood to go back to an empty apartment for once, and I knew Hanji had figured out I went to the party by now and would show up to it at any moment. So, staying wasn't an option. I decided to do something to kill the time, I pulled out my phone and dialed.

 

***

Petra was stunning. Her body a work of art, her beauty would take the breath away from any man, and she even had a killer personality. The full package, perfect girlfriend material, but here she was having causal sex with me. A low life author.

“Levi I'm so happy you called” she said in between gasps for breath.

I wasn't much of a talker, especially when it came to sex. She also knew this, yet she always tried to get me to talk. Instead of wasting my breath with a meaningless conversation, I did what I did best, and gave her the best sex she'll ever have. I turned her to face me, pulling her legs up, over my shoulders. Once I penetrated her she let out a low moan. I started moving my hips, and she immediately caught on matching my movement. As I picked up the pace, hers slowed. As always she came before me. She let me finish, after.

 We laid next to each other, sweaty and disgusting. She closed the space between us. “Can we cuddle?” She asked in the same ‘want to be cute’ tone she always asked in. When I didn't say anything she leaned in for a kiss, I got up from the bed before she made contact.

“You know I don't kiss _or_ cuddle” I said. I gathered my things from the floor.

“Like always you can take the bed, I'll sleep in the couch.” I said leaving her alone on my room.

Petra was a good woman, in the eyes of most men. No, I did not love her that much was obvious, I liked her enough to fuck her every now and then though. She knew what she was getting herself in to when we decided to do this. We both did have needs. Thing is, she actually claims to have fallen in love with me.  Doesn't bother me, honestly. I did pity her, though.

I laid in my couch, my hair still damp from my shower, I never slept right away after sex. Sex sweat was filthy, so I had to shower wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t. I looked up, my ceiling was actually a dull grey, had never noticed that. The more I looked at it though, the more I preferred more of a colorful ocean blue.

"Maybe I'll paint it on the future" I said out loud to myself.

 

~~~

 

That small instant with Jean that hint of happiness did not last at all. I should have seen it coming, of course I should have seen a lot of things coming.

Three months after my mother was taken from me, Jean and I moved in together, and I accepted his engagement ring. Though we did end up pawning it a year later.

We graduated high school, and we both got jobs, Jean lost his about every two months. We had bills to pay, and I wanted to save up to move my mom to a better nursing home, where they can take better care of her.

 

I came home one night. It was 11:56 p.m. I finished my shift early and decided to surprise Jean. I walked into our small apartment, there was music on, loud music. I put down the bag of food I had brought for dinner, and looked around. Jean’s clothing was scattered everywhere along with some other clothes, but he always was a mess so I paid no attention to it.

“Jean?” I called him walking deeper into the apartment. “I brought dinner” I announced

I went into our bedroom, and there he was balls deep in the guy from the 711, across the street, Bill I think.

 

“What the fuck?!” I yelled.

“Oh shit E!” Jean yelled, pulling out of Bill and covering himself with the blankets.

Bill bolted out of the bed, junk out, and ran out, picking up a few items of clothing off the floor in his way out.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck are you cheating on me? We're engaged dammit Jean!”

I yelled picking up whatever I found and throwing it at him.

“Shut the fuck up! You drove off Nick with all your babbling.” Blocking the items I threw from hitting him “How the fuck am I supposed to finish now?!” He yelled.

“Fuck you Jean, you're worried about how you're going to finish? Fuck you! Fuck you! I should just leave your sorry ass!" I yelled, I cursed, and I said what I wanted. Until he shut me up with a punch to the face. The first punch hurt the most. The others turned into a blur afterwards. I didn't fight back, if I did I knew he'd kill me. He hit me until he got tired, until he decided I had enough, until he knew that I was too fucked up to leave him, but well enough to not die. Like he always did.

 

~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay so sometimes I forget what it is I wrote in the previous chapters because well damn I can't remember specific details of every chapter. I apologize for the PetraXLevi scene if that bothers any of you. I assure you this is an Ereri fanfic 100% Levi loves Eren only. I did try to keep it as short as possible. So Levi and Eren are going to see each other A LOT more, prepare for the cuteness.  
> Thanks for reading  
> All Comments and Kudos are encouraged and appreciated.   
> I'd like to point out how much I love comments. I love comments. Throw a brick at me but comment! Please.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	8. Big and Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: To all the previous readers, this was a chapter with a pretty big change.  
> Enjoy

**Eren**

 

I had told Erwin about Levi’s offer and how I hadn’t decided if I would take him up on it. How I was undecided for weeks, guess he wanted to help out because he decided to treat me to dinner, to celebrate. Erwin was always too nice.

“It worries me how much stress you're under sometimes.” Erwin said.

“I'm under stress? You're a directive. YOU’RE under stress” I laughed, he always thought more about others them himself.

“I guess so” he chuckled, but then his expression became serious, “Look Eren, I didn't just bring you here because of the view.”

“Oh I didn't realize there was a view” I pointed at the window, with absolutely no view. He gave me a look. “Right sorry”

“I think you should take up Levi in his offer. He will really be a big addition to the help you already have. He can change the outcome of this book of yours, I know you want it to be the best out there this man can help you so go for it.” I smiled at him. He always knew exactly what to say. He always looked out for me.  
  
With. Little of a push from Erwin I knew that I had to talk to Levi. I needed his help. Right the next day I took every piece of my book and set out to Levi’s apartment.

  
I was followed the address on the card he had given me, but I don’t think it was right. I was parked outside a huge building. Crap had I gotten the directions wrong? I was downtown, about three blocks away from the riverfront, and way over my head. I had forgotten how successful he was… I took a deep breath and walked into the building. His apartment was on the twentieth floor. When I was about to make my way to the elevator, the red head on the back of the desk stopped me.

“Excuse me!” he yelled his voice seemed to have some type of accent, but I couldn’t put my finger on what type.

I stopped on my tracks and walked over to him “Yes?” I asked.

He smiled at me, “I’ve never seen you around here” he said, his eyes traveling up my body very noticeably.

“Yeah, I’m here to visit someone” I said, avoiding his lingering stare.

His eyes snapped up at me “Damn, so you’re taken?” he asked. His accent was British! With all the _Harry Potter_ movies I had seen I was disappointed that I hadn’t gotten it sooner. 

“I’m visiting a friend” I said.

“That’s good to hear” he said, eyeing me again. “Is he expecting you?” he asked. Oh shit, I realized I hadn't even called or gave a heads up at all. For all I know he wasn't in there. Or maybe he was but changed his mind? Or maybe it was always a sick joke, and he didn't mean any of what he said. Maybe he had gotten so mad at me for leaving him the night of the event that he decided to get back at me? I tried to calm down and rid my head of all the negative thoughts that had been surfacing. I looked around like the answer would be plastered on one of the walls. I let out a sigh, I had decided to bail. I was about to tell the man in the front desk to forget it. When the man on the other side of the desk reached his hand out, placing it over mine. I looked at his hand then at him, he was smirking. What the hell was going on?

 “He’s here for me”, I heard Levi call out.

   


**Levi**

 

It had been weeks, and I hadn't heard shit from the Brat. I had actually become worried, _me_ worried I couldn’t even believe that shit. But I was. I was worried that this idiot wouldn't call. Or that he had died or something, honestly what other reason did he have for leaving me hanging like this. Then two weeks later out of the blue he shows up.

  
I had come down to go for a ride, but I was pleasantly surprised to see Eren standing in the front desk, looking very uncomfortable. I looked over at Oliver, he had that stupid British smirk that he used to flirt. Made me want to puke. But, after noticing Oliver’s hand was caressing Eren’s I wanted to do a lot more than that.  “He’s here for me” I called out, Eren’s head snapped to look at me. He looked relieved to see me, and happy? I hoped. “Are you just going to stand there looking like an idiot? Or are you coming?” I asked him. He nodded, taking his hand back from the British pervert and said goodbye. He came next to me and looked down at his feet. He was oh so obviously tense. I kind of liked it, he looked cute?

“Keep your hands to yourself, Oliver” I called out to him, as we made our way to the elevator. “Or I’ll cut them off”

“I didn’t know you lived in a penthouse” Eren said when we were in the elevator. What was that supposed to mean? “What floor do you live in? Maybe we should have met somewhere smaller” he added. Smaller? Did this make him comfortable? As I thought that the elevator dinged on my floor. And the doors opened.

“This is an apartment, not penthouse” I corrected him, and walked inside.

“This is the furthest from an apartment” he said, following close behind me. “You have a personal elevator!”

I walked us into my living room, and turned to look at Eren. His mouth was hung open.

“I could get lost here, Jesus” he said scratching the top of his head and chuckling nervously. “Don’t you get scared looking out of all these windows?” he asked, walking towards one of the picture window that gave a perfect view of downtown. I didn’t even care for the size of the apartment, or penthouse like Eren called it. I just wanted a nice open view of downtown at night.

“Don’t you feel like you’ll fall out?” he asked, touching the glass of one of the six windows.

“No.”

Eren nodded at my answer. “I bet it’s beautiful at night” he added.

He looked around for a bit gazing at the art that was hanged up, tilting his head and everything. There wasn’t much to look at. The apartment was exactly as it was when I first moved in. He seemed to be looking for something, something he wasn’t having any success with, his face scrunching up after every observation. I smirked I was actually enjoying literally just watching this kid. Then he continued looking around and spotted my copy of ‘Mother’ that I had been rereading. His exploring stopped then.

“How do you have this?” He asked his voice hitching in the back of his throat, like he had just witnessed a miracle.

I walked next to him, “It was hard to find actually. I went to at least twenty book stores looking for it. It's quite good” I said.  
“I wrote it so long ago, I just can't believe it…” he said tracing his fingertips over the worn out cover. “C-can I hold it?” he asked, and looked to me for approval.

“No need to ask, go ahead”

He held the book as if it was the most precious thing in the world. He touched the worn out edges, and traced his finger over the tiny tittle. He flipped it to the picture, and stared at it, as if memorizing it.

“You're Edward aren't you?” He looked up from the picture and my eyes met his. His eyes were watery and becoming pink, his face soft, and somber. My chest tingled, and I swallowed. “You don't need to try to memorize her face you know, the book is yours to keep.” I said, thanking whatever god was up there for letting me sound like my usual self.

“I can't, this is yours” he said trying to hand the book back to me. I took it, removed the book mark, and handed it back to him.

“I insist” I said. He hesitantly took the book from my extended hands and smiled, I couldn't help notice a couple of tears roll down his cheeks. My heart did the stupid thing in my chest again.

 

  
**Eren**

 

So Levi’ apartment was bigger than my whole block, and he had a damn personal elevator. When I walked inside the apartment I expected to find something in there that would give me a clue about him, who he was, what type of life he lived? Sure the apartment was beautiful, dull, and colorless, but beautiful. His apartment looked straight out of a damn catalog, spotless and perfect. But not Levi, this apartment was nothing to him. Nothing personal, nothing sentimental, no photographs, no books, nothing that would make this apartment _his._ I wondered why that was. Why had he moved into this apartment and stayed? Levi didn’t rub me as the narcissistic rich type. He drove a Chevrolet Impala, but by the looks of his massive penthouse he could drive anything he liked. What made him keep this empty apartment? When my eyes caught sight of the book that I had written and loved so long ago, I almost choked on air. And when Levi gave it to me, me being the manly man I am, I fucking cried. Can you blame me thought? He gave me back the only part of my past that I'm not ashamed of. The only beautiful part of my childhood. I held the book tightly in my arms as I sat on Levi’s couch.

“I was fifteen when she first showed symptoms.” I told Levi, “But I didn’t find out about it until I was sixteen”

“Why did you make Edward older then?” He asked. I shrugged, “Because I wished I would have been older when it started” I answered. He nodded, sipping from his tea.

“And is she really dead?” He asked, “Like in the book?” I was quiet, he was very straight forward, and blunt. “You don't have to answer, kid” he said, noticing how quiet I had gotten.

“She's not dead, I got her into a good home when I earned the money.” I said, “AndI was quiet because I've never meet such a straight forward person like you" I admitted. He stared at me for a bit, narrowing his eyes at me, and I thought he was going to kill me for a second.

“That's just how I am” he finally said, his facial expression went back to his usual bored looking one.

“How about you though? Is ‘Poison’ a true story?

“It's is, but this is a conversation for a different time” he said, looking at the time. “It's late” he said, pointing at his clock on the wall. There was no way it was already that late how long has I spent outside of his door?

“Tomorrow?” I asked.

“I wouldn't mind” he said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was just his apartment. Before, I had only talked about his apartment vaguely, but i did mention he was very successful. Therefore a penthouse apartment! 
> 
> All Kudos and comments are encouraged and appreciated. *cough cough* please comment.  
> Thank you for reading,  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	9. Casual Conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As said, in the first chapter, the pieces in the beginning or end of that chapter that start and end with ~~~ are indeed parts from Eren's book. The one he is working on with Levi: The book is actually a huge part of the fanfic so bare with me.  
> But without further ado,  
> Enjoy

~~~

  
Life is a rarely funny, complicated thing. Never is there a happily ever after. Happiness is only found in moments. They’re like a break from the usual depression, sadness, and all the other bad shit in the world that can be for more than a moment, it can feel eternal. I know that's how mine felt.  
  
Jean had apologized for the thousand time, my face still throbbed from the beating he had given me. I couldn’t see shit from my left eye, it was closed shut. He handed me a syringe, I stared at it for a moment, and looked at him for an explanation.  
  
“It's for the pain” he said. Drugs. He wasn’t taking me to the hospital, to save his ass from getting thrown in jail, but he wanted me to fuck up my life even more by taking drugs? I opened my mouth to decline, but my face hurt too much to even open my mouth.  
  
I decided to take it, and he helped me inject it. He tied the blue rubber band on my arm and smacked my forearm for a vein. I had never taken drugs, and let me tell you they're amazing. Once that liquid made it’s way into my blood stream. A euphoric rush of pleasure traveled throughout my body. All my pain on my face, body, and soul vanished, poof into thin air. I felt at peace. Happy even. I was so warm inside, the world was so fucking beautiful, and everything was perfect. I turned to look at Jean, he shot some up as well, way more than what I needed.  
  
“I'm right behind you, babe” he said. But I didn’t pay attention to him. I was too busy looking at everything. I was happy. I was fucking happy, I couldn't believe it. I closed my eyes enjoying the moment and let myself get taken into my high.

~~~

  
**Levi**

 

“Can I ask you something?” Eren asked his head tilted. Looking adorable.

“Go ahead” I said pulling my attention away from his laptop.

“The night of the event, where we met. You offered to buy me a drink, but you didn't get one why is that?”

I raised my eye brows at his question, “Very observant aren't you?” I said, and he became fidgety.

“I didn't mean-“

“It's fine” I interrupted him. “I used to be an alcoholic. Am an alcoholic” I continued.

His eyes widened. “Like in-“

“Yes, like in ‘Poison’” I interrupted again.

“How long have you been alcohol free?” He asked me, and I could have imagined it, but there was the tiniest hint of concern in his voice.

“Five months” I said. He seemed appalled at my answer, probably expecting more. “Every day is a struggle, kid” I said, looking back at his laptop “It's dreadful how years of being free of the shit, and vanish in one mistake.” I said trying to ease up the tension.

“How bad was it? “ He asked, in a low voice, barley audible.

“The last time or as a whole?” I asked him. He looked stuck or maybe too afraid to ask, so I answered both. “As a whole, it was shit. Honestly there is no other way of describing it. The last time was probably the worst though, it was more of a suicide attempt.” His face became pale. “It's one of many kid don't think too much about it, I mean you've read my book” I said.

“I'm sorry” he whispered. I didn't say anything but I acknowledged it. “I was a drug addict” he blurted out of nowhere. Even I was stunned, when I looked at him for an answer even he looked stunned, like if someone had made him say it.

“Tell me about it” I said, he had my full attention.

“There's not much to say, you name it I've tried it. My favorite was always heroin though, it made me, but it also destroyed me you know?” He asked. I nodded. “Things were just so shitty, and heroin just made life worth living. It was like a magic marker that colored my black and white world in. Using it for fun turned into a needing it really quick though” he said looking down at his feet.

I didn’t peg Eren as a addict. Let alone heroin addict. He was just full of surpised under those beautiful eyes of him. He was so much more than I thought he was, he was magnificent, he truly knew what life was like. He had struggled though life, shit hadn’t been handed to him. And he wasn’t ashamed of his struggles and owned up to them, I'd never met a person like him… that tingle in chest was back again, I turned my attention back to the laptop to get my mind off of him.

 

  
**Eren**

 

  
  
What was that? _Oh I'm Eren I was addicted to heroin, I'm a depressed, ex-addict, please give me your attention Levi._ Ugh I was so pathetic.

 Levi didn't seem to think much of my outburst though, of course he didn't think much about anything, that I could tell. I looked at him, still reading the chapter that I had just finished. I had never noticed how long his eyelashes were. One blink and I'd be blown away. He frowned while he read, he looked good like that though. He looked up at me meeting my stare. Shit he realized I was staring. His eyes were too dazzling to look away.

“Why are you staring?” He asked, I wasn't sure if he was annoyed or angry. I wished I could tell.

“I wasn't staring” I said. _Dumbass own up to it._  
“Don't fall in love with me kid, I'm old enough to be your father” he joked? I think probably not. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

“I'm kidding “ he said.

“Right” I said under my breath. He went back to reading and I went back to staring…ahem I mean observing. He was wearing a comfort fitting grey long sleeve shirt. He looked good in it. Come to think of it he looked good in everything. Would he look good in pajamas? Oh god did he wear pajamas? I tried to imagine him in pajamas, while I looked him over. He was so lean, I could make out the outline of his muscles over the shirt. Then the pajamas I had been imagining were gone. God was I drooling? He noticed I was staring again. I had to say something. Anything.  
  
“My dad abandoned us” I said **what the fuck?!** “Um I should go” I said before he could comment anything on my completely idiotic outburst. “You can keep the laptop until tomorrow.” I said and left his ‘apartment’ as Levi wanted me to refer to it as. Even though he knew damn well it wasn’t. I realized I forgot my jacket too until I was in the car. I slammed my head in the cold steering wheel, I had made a total ass of myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Kudos and Comments are encouraged and appreciated  
> Thank you for reading. I love you guys.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	10. Taste of Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be more for me than you guys. Heh. I just really wanted to write a part from Levi's book. Sorry for the angst :)   
> But please enjoy.

**_ Poison_ by Levi Ackerman_**

 

 I didn't deserve this I didn't deserve to be here, I knew I was garbage, and that they should have been here instead of me. I would switch spots with them in a heartbeat, if possible.  Hanji had convinced to finish school for them, she told me they would be proud. I didn’t doubt that. Not one bit, but they weren’t the problem. I was. _Me_ , not them. Fuck, what was I supposed to do now?

I stared at the graduation cap and gown. College graduate of 2012.

I scooped up the fabrics and took them outside. I didn’t deserve this. I turned on my lighter, and burned both things with no trace of regret in my mind. I lit a cigarette in the fire and watched the bitches burn, too bad I couldn't burn the memory along with it.

I went inside after I couldn't recognize the gown at all. I knew exactly what I would do, I wasn’t scared, of the idea, yet I was shaking. Almost dropping the bottle of Vodka that I stuffed in my bag. I took out the pills that my doctor prescribed for pain after the accident, and stuffed those in my bag too.

I drove until I didn't recognize the roads anymore, where cars didn't pass, and I wouldn’t be found. I pulled over and sat at the edge of a tall hill. I leaned on a tree, and fetched out the pills from my bag. Shit I could even throw myself from here and it'd do the trick. I swallowed the entire bottle of pills and washed them down with the Vodka. Then it was time to play the waiting game. I dug in my bag to find something to entertain myself with and to my surprise I came upon a picture of Isabel and Farlan, it was the one from when we had gone to the beach, they practically had to drag me to go. When I did, they betrayed me. I feel asleep, and they drew a dick on my back with sunscreen, when I got sunburned I had a damn dick printed on my back.  I remembered trying to get back at them, but they teamed up against me. I was pissed the whole summer. I felt an overwhelming urge to cry, they looked so happy, laughing at me. Why couldn’t time turn back? I’d let them draw as many dicks on me just to see their smiles again.

“Fuck” I couldn't help it, I let the fuckers roll. I took a long drink from the Vodka, while my tears traveled down my cheeks. I enjoyed the picture, crying at my hearts content, reminiscing in the memories that I could never go back to, and couldn't make more of.

After a couple of hours, I watched the blurry sunset. Damn, I was drunk out of my mind, but I wasn't dead. What the fuck went wrong?

Whatever, I'll jump then. I struggled to get up, pulling myself up with the tree bark. I got up, and saw a pair of headlights. I froze, but not very since I was drunk, and had forgotten what still meant.

“What seems to be the problem officer?” I asked, in my best attempt to sound sober. I was positive I sounded more like a dying whale, rather than an actual person. Instead of a cop, Hanji came out of the car.

“Hanji? You’re a cop?” I tried to say. She ran to me and clung to me. I blacked out after that.

I woke up in the hospital. I felt awful, not a hangover awful, but a dirty awful. What was I doing still alive? I tried to pull my wrists up from the bed to rub my eyes awake, but they had been bounded down with straps. What the fuck? I pulled again, harder.

“Levi? You're up?” I had woken up Hanji with my loud struggles, she had been sleeping at the edge of my bed.

“No shit. What the fuck is this?” I asked trying to raise my wrists again, and making a loud noise insead.

“You're under suicide watch” she said in the firmest voice she has ever used. I looked at her baffled, I tried to act as if I didn't know what she was talking about. “Aren't you wondering why you aren't dead?” She asked. I looked away from her, I didn’t need this shit right now. “I changed your pills Levi. The pills you took were sugar pills.” She said, her voice cracking.

  _Hanji had saved my life._

“I didn't ask for you to save my life” I snapped at her.

“And you didn't force them into that car with you Levi.” Something inside me ticked. I looked at her, she had the nerve?

“Shut the fuck up Hanji don't you dare” I threatened.

“Isabel and Farlan did not die because of you, Levi” she ignored me, the heart monitor sped up.

“Fuck you” I spat at her. She didn’t know shit.

“You are not responsible for their deaths, you have no reason to feel guilty Levi.”

“Shut up Hanji, or so help me” I threatened, struggling under my restrains. The heart monitor was getting too loud, and my patience was wearing off.

“You loved both of them, you cared Levi, and they loved you too, they wouldn't want you like this” she said taking my hand in hers. I tried to push her hand away, but failed, her grip quickly tightened “They loved you very very much, they were amazing people, but don’t put the blame on yourself” she said squeezing my hand in hers.

"I don't" my voice hitched, the back of my throat was dry.

 Hanji was crying now, "Don't sit there and lie to me Levi! Look at yourself, look at where you're at. You tried to kill yourself Levi and you're telling me you don't blame yourself?!" She yelled, pointing at me.

“They were my friends dammit, Isabel was like my little sister Hanji! Farlan was my best friend, and I just…” I paused, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore “fuck! I cared for them, I loved them!” I squeezed her hand back. At that moment I shattered, I had no other choice, but Hanji was there to pick up my pieces, Hanji was always there to pick them up.

_ _ _ _

 

  **Levi**

 

“Tell me more about Eren, with a nice episode of The Walking Dead” Hanji said, flipping to _The Walking Dead_ on Netflix.

“Literally no episode on that show is ‘nice’” I said using air quotations. “And there isn't a lot to say about the kid, he's been coming for about a month now, but he still asks like the first time every time. Maybe he's just like that at the core?”

“Look BFF", she said sitting me down next to her on my couch.

“Levi” I reminded her, because she had obviously forgot.

“Eren NEVER acts the way you describe him around me. Or his friends. Must be something else”

“Maybe I intimidate him” I guessed.

“It's not that. Eren isn't scared of you, he would have stopped coming or never would have if that's true” I nodded my head in agreement. Eren had been coming at his on free will.

We got through the episode, and I checked the time

“Okay Hanji that's enough for today” I advised.

“What? It's not even midnight yet!” She exclaimed with a mouth full of popcorn and skittles.

“Well you could stay if you want a show” I said. Her face showed me she caught on.

“Seeing three gorgeous people in one day, that's just greedy Levi” she said picking up her bag, and the rest of the popcorn.

“Eren and Petra, who's the third?” I asked.

“Me, silly” she giggled and let herself out.

 

Was I being Greedy? The time I spent with Eren was different than with Petra. What Petra and I had was purely physical, there was no intimate conversations. No adorable outbursts. And no spark. I only met with Petra as a need, but did I really need it anymore? Did I really need her anymore?

 

I texted Petra

 

_To: Petra_

_Rain check._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I kept it pretty short but there is a bit of Levi's past I actually want to incorporate a lot of things that happen in the anime/ manga. 
> 
> Thank you for reading  
> All comments and kudos are encouraged and appreciated. < Does that make me sound like a robot?  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	11. Admire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo tired  
> Enjoy.

**Eren**

 

 Living with Erwin came with perks, one of them, which is also my personal favorite is the over stock in freshly baked deserts. Despite Erwin's big stature, and masculine features, he loved to bake, and he was damn good at it. He especially liked to bake when the temperature began to drop, which lately it had been. Every now and then I'd also bring my mom Erwin's deserts, she loved sweets. I brought freshly baked sugar cookies this time.

  
“You know I could bake a mouthwatering carrot cake” she said, pausing for a moment frowning at what she had said. “Or was it chocolate?” She asked herself, obviously frustrated that she couldn't recall.

“I bet you can bake both amazingly” I assured her, and her expression softened.

“You're such a good young man” she said tenderly, holding my hand in her own.

“I hope my son is as sweet as you” she said gesturing to her womb. I forced a smile.“Enough about me though, tell me what's new for you” she said, fixing her attention on me.

“Well not much, I've just been working on my book, Remember Levi Ackerman?” I asked.

“I'm sorry it must've slipped my mind” she apologized.

“It’s no big deal” I assured her. “Well Levi is a world famous author, his work is nothing less than astonishing.  He's funny, brilliant-“ I stopped. I had thought about this many times. How incredible Levi was. He meant a lot to me now, and I’d show that to my mom “He's the most patient, outspoken, greatest person I've ever met. He's just… sensational and he's helping _me_ with my book. It’s kind of like an honor to have him help me” I said.

She giggled, “Oh honey it sounds like you're not just honored” she joked, and I didn't follow.

“He's inspirational, I admire him. You should hear the things he's gone through” I said a hint of embarrassment sneaking into my voice.

“Admire huh?” She said smiling wider than usual, for some reason

***  


The weather was getting colder it was barley the end of November and it was already freezing. The elevator doors opened, and revealed Levi’s penthouse, which he still called an apartment. Even after so many times of coming to his apartment, I still couldn’t get used to it. Levi had even given me the lock code for his apartment. We had gotten used to each other, and I would now drop in unannounced.

  
I walked inside the apartment, and made my way to the living room. When I saw an image that I would like to be engraved onto my tombstone when I die. Levi was standing in the middle of his living room, freshly out of the shower, a towel that hanging low on his hips, revealing a six-pack that I had only imagined a million times, and a godly V tracing his lower abdomen pointing downward at the only thing that was being covered. That damn towel. Water still clung to him and made want to lick it all up. My eyes trailed up his body almost getting a heart attack when reaching his eyes, which looked back at me. His eyes made my insides squirm, then the corner of his lip lifted up into a crooked smile. How long had I been staring? What had I come here for?

 “I-I'm sorry but it was freezing out there” I apologized, tearing my gaze away from his exquisite body.

“Its fine” He said, his voice sounding amused. Was he not bothered by my staring? He wasn’t saying anything. “Do you want a hot chocolate or something?” he asked.

“A hot chocolate? Really?” I asked, my face brightened. He usually did offer me a refreshment, but he had never gone out of his way to _make_ me something. I got so worked up that I even glanced back at him. His back was turned to me this time, his towel was gone, he was using it to dry his hair. I was looking at his perfect ass, and the way it swayed as he walked away.

“Sure why not?” Levi said and walked into his kitchen.

I put away my coat, and sat at the couch. I don't know why but I decided to sit in Levi’s spot. I wanted to see things from his point of view. It was no different than mine, only difference was we were facing one another, or Maybe I hoped that when he came back, he was still very much naked and hoped he’d sit next to me? I shook my head, what the fuck was I thinking? I was about to get up and move to my usual spot, to stop my imagination from going to far, but Levi showed up then. Dressed.

He put the hot chocolate down in front of me on the coffee table. I froze.

“Why are you-“

“I just wanted to mix it up a little” I said before He could finish. And I would be forced to explain any further.

“Well, you can't have my spot” he said pushing me a bit over. He sat in his now vacant spot, right next to me.  
He smelled incredibly good. Like clean laundry, and the perfect amount of cologne. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, this view was both better and worse. He was closer, so u can see the details in his face, his heart achingly wonderful jawline, and his long gorgeous eyelashes.  I could even notice that his hair was still wet, the drops of water stuck in the strands. Bad, because I couldn't see his glorious features all at once. He looked at me and I panicked.

“So what are you doing for thanks giving?” I asked. He knew what I was doing by now, but went along with it.

“Hanji usually keeps me company, since it's a hard holiday for the two of us, but this year she's going to visit her family, so I'll stay home not doing much” he said.

“No family?” Shit, stupid question.

“They're both gone” he said not minding the question at all.

“Why is it a hard holiday?” I asked. Shit another stupid question. Shut up Eren!

“Well it was around this time that my brother and sister were killed” he said a completely different tone he had previously used. I could tell he was trying to keep his composure, but I could tell it pained him to mention it.

“Levi...” It hurt me to see him even in the slightest of pain.

“Look, Kid” he said looking at me from the laptop screen. “ I didn't tell you this so you can pity me. The only other person who knows about this is Hanji, I don’t even know why I told you… I just-” he sighed, closing his eyes, he took a couple of deep breaths and when he opened them he was himself again. “That's enough about me, I hate talking about myself. Tell me, what your plans are for Thanks Giving” He asked, looking back down at the computer screen.

“Well, usually I go visit my mom” I said leaving out the feast I usually had with everyone afterward.

“Sounds nice” he said.

“It will be” I added. I had a _great_ idea.

 

  
~~~  
My small dose of heroin for the pain turned into full-fledged addiction, in a short time.  Jean being a douche didn't bother me anymore with it in my life, he'd bring home whoever he pleased, and as long as I had my fix of heroin life was rosy. Jean was on some other stuff, it made him extremely aggressive, that's why the beatings had been getting worse. I tried it once, didn't like it much, but I did do it when I ran out of heroin. Sometimes we'd try other stuff together too. Cocaine, ecstasy, meth and other shit. Whatever they were passing out at parties.  
  
With drugs I could almost choke back whatever my life had become. I thought I was good. I had enough to maintain my mom in her home, and Jean provided me with a reason to actually stay with him. I was at a decent spot in my life, or so I thought.  
  
  
As a child I was never allowed any pets because my father was allergic. I pitied the small stray animals in the street, but I learned to avoid them.  
Until, one day as I walked home from work. It was early December, and the weather had gone from cold to frosty, I dragged my feet on the icy pavement, because being sober sucked. I didn't like getting home to Jeans mood swings, especially sober so I tried my best to drag time out as much as possible. So, I took the long way home. I was passing an alley, and I heard a low cry, from a dumpster. Usually I would have walked right past the small creature, ignoring its plea, but something called me to it. I opened the small worn out box where there laid a kitten no more than a few months old, he was brown with patches of white and black, and big blue innocent eyes. He meowed, low and sweet. I couldn't help myself, I took the kitten home, naming him Spot because of a distinctive white spot on his nose. As I walked the remainder of the time home I prepared myself for Jeans disapproving yelling.  
  
I walked inside and the smell of weed creeped on me. I closed the box so Spot wouldn't have to smell it. I took off my jacket and scanned the room for Jean. I heard a bang in his room and a yell. We had company. I ignored the obvious and looked in the fridge for something for Spot. The closest we had to cat food was canned tuna, that would have to do. I opened the can and took Spot into the bathroom. He ate most of the can, and I watched him try to clean himself with his paws, I picked him up and prepped him for a bath. He had fleas, which didn't surprise me, I washed him off, and combed him with the flea comb I had bought on my way home, letting the little dark dots go down the drain. I grabbed my towel and wrapped him in it, he shook ever so slightly, but also purred. I smiled at the adorable bundle, an actual smile. A _sober_ smile.  
  
As I walked out of the bathroom and Jean was just letting his very friendly guest out. He was decent, he could do better than Jean, though. As soon as Jean closed the door , he turned his attention towards me.  
  
“What the fuck is that?” He asked pointing at the bundle I had carried on my arms.  
  
“Did you get pregnant and not tell me?” He joked , a stupid snort followed. I wondered for the hundred time why I was still with him.  
  
“His name is Spot” I said uncovering the towel from Spot’s face so Jean could see it.  
  
“It's a fucking cat?” He asked disgust taking over his face.  
  
“Get rid of it” he said  
  
“Please let me keep him” I asked  
He thought to himself for a bit, maybe I won him over?  
  
“No” he said starting to walk away.  
  
“I never ask you for anything, please just let me keep him?” I begged, panicking. Spot had made me smile and I hadn’t done that without the help of drugs in months. I had to keep him “ I'll do anything” I said, Spot was staying because this cat was the first thing to actually give me the smallest bit of happiness that I've felt in a Long time.  
  
“Anything?” Jean asked a horrid smirk on his lips.  
  
“Anything” I repeated, about to puke, knowing very well what that smirk meant, but I was determined to keep Spot.

  
~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I'm not a robot, but please comment and kudos.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	12. Spot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning*  
> Okay guys this chapter towards the end has a very descriptive image of a dead animal, and animal abuse. It's very emotional, and vivid. If you guys feel like you can't handle that I recommend you don't read the second half of the chapter. This was so hard for me to write, I hope I don't offend anyone with it, and if I do ,I apologize. I myself love animals, but keep in mind that this is fiction, and animal abuse is a real thing in the world, that happens everyday, I agree it's disgusting and I do not approve or like writing about it, but it's out there. Again I'm sorry if this offends anyone, a warning will also be added on the tags.  
> Enjoy.

**Eren**

 

“Let me get this straight” Mikasa said. I had told both her and Armin what I planned to do in Thanksgiving. I had been getting ready for her lecture all day. “You're ditching us,” she pointed to both her and Armin, “Your family. For that pipsqueak?” She asked, clearly hurt.

“It's not like that” Armin said to her, defending me.

“Eren is just going to keep him company, and put in a little extra work for his book in the process. This book means a lot to him” Armin assured. So I didn't tell them the complete truth that I really _just_ wanted to keep Levi company. That's only because I knew how Mikasa would get if I did.

“Right ‘company’” she said, leaving my apartment, not even bothering to take her jacket. Her departure was sure enough, followed by a slam of the door.

“Well, that went well” Armin joked.

“Could've gone worse” I said. As I said that the door to the apartment opened, Erwin stepped in.

“What could have gone worse?” He asked.

My nerves hopped into over drive.

“Hello Armin” he smiled at Armin

“Hey Erwin” he returned the smile.

“I'll just let myself out” Armin said, his face completely at ease, but his fidgety tone was a dead giveaway that something was off, and Erwin most definitely noticed.

Erwin made a face when Armin left, “What's wrong?” He asked. “Armin seemed off, and I saw Mikasa leaving the building looking _very_ angry.” He added, looking at me for an answer.

“Mikasa is always angry it's just her face, like- like do you remember that time in Christmas when she got so angry because we were both under the mistletoe and..”

“Oh no “he cut me off midsentence.

“W-what?” I said looking up at him.

“You're stammering" he said. “Whenever you stammer like that it means something bad” he said

“That's not true, I'm not stammering, you're stammering, I don't even know what stammering is” I tried to assure him.

“That's stammering” he said. “So what is it? What’s bothering you?”

There was no point in putting this off, here goes nothing, and I took a deep breath. “I'm not going to be here for Thanksgiving” I said trying my hardest to make actual eye contact with him, not sure what to expect.

He was quiet for a bit, but broke the silence almost as soon as it had started.

“Why is that?” His voice was grim, very different from his usual tone.

“I need all the time I can get to work on my book, I need to finish it as soon as possible” I said, lying through my teeth. I wasn't proud of what I was doing, lying to Erwin, but I had made up my mind.

He let out a deep breath, “Fine, work on your book. I know how important it is to you, I support your decision, because I know that you'd support mine.” He said finally warming up enough to flash me one of his smiles.

“You're the best” I said.

“I know” he said, pulling me into his arms. Whenever Erwin hugged me, he had this thing that he'd make them last very long, but this hug seemed different, it felt longer. When he did let go he just smiled, different from the usual kiss he'd give me on the top of my head. I tried not to make much of it though.

 

**Levi**

 

I could have been drunk by now, is all I could think of. I tried to keep my mind off of liquor, so I turned on the TV and flipped a couple of channels, absolutely nothing worth mentioning was on. Only Thanksgiving specials, I turned it off, seconds after turning it on. I was uneasy, my breathing was becoming rough, my anxiety was building up, and I had that dry taste in my mouth. Next thing I knew I was at a liquor store buying any wine available. I wasn't proud of giving into temptation, no one ever is. The bottle felt heavier than usual. Even taking it from the car to my apartment felt like a hassle. Hanji had taken all my wine bottle openers and I had completely forgotten to buy one so I had to get a bit creative. I took off one of my shoes and placed the bottle inside, banging the bottom of the shoe on the brick wall until the cork was sticking out far enough to pull out. I took the bottle out and put my shoe on, the cork was sticking out just enough, and I pulled it out with ease. I thought about using a wine glass, but recalled I didn't own any anymore, plus what really was the point? I was already a low life alcoholic might as well drink like one. I lifted the bottle, I admit I was having second thoughts. Just before I could press the bottle to my lips and throw another five months into the trash, the ding of the elevator brought me back to my senses. I both thanked and cursed at the person who had interrupted me from the mistake I was about to make. I drained the bottle into the sink, watching the red liquid disappear into the drain and went check who had come up, to my lovely surprise stood a very cold looking Eren.

“Hi” he said.

“Hi” I said. He smiled and I almost did too.

“Are you going to invite me in or are you going to leave me standing here?” He asked, he hadn’t let himself into my apartment since the time he _‘accidently’_  caught me naked, fresh out of the shower, and I _‘accidently’_ flashed him my ass. Oops.

 

 

 

“I could, or I could kick you out” I joked. His eyes widened. I loved how seriously he took me. I moved aside and let him walk in, and the elevator doors closed behind us.

“What are you doing here anyway?” I asked, even though I wasn't complaining at all.

“I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with you” he said so simply like it was a normal thing to say, no stuttering, and just complete honesty. I admit I was a bit taken by surprise, but recovered quickly.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Don't question my kindness, Levi” he said, smiling one of his sweet smiles at me. So if all it took for me to give in was his smile? Don't judge me.

“Now I'm going to make you some tea, you sit” he said walking into the kitchen, I was you could say ‘distracted’ by his ass, as he walked away, so distracted that I had forgotten I had left the wine bottle on the counter. Shit. I rushed into the kitchen, but I was too late, Eren was already holding the bottle in his hand and looking down at the sink. I couldn't read his face, he was shocked? Most likely disappointed. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut. So I decided that that's what I would do.

“Guess you caught me” I said trying my best to keep my voice steady. He was still quiet though. “So, I'm a lonely old man, Eren…I just-“

Eren had ran to hug me, he held me tight enough to probably break something, and I was truly astonished. I smelled him, and my mind went blank, I felt his arms around me, and swear I was on fire, his hug really did something to me. _He_ did something to me.

“I know you didn't drink any” he said, nuzzling his face into my hair, like a small child. “I'm so proud” he said, and I'm pretty sure he was sobbing, he tightened his hold as he sobbed, for me? I swear this kid’s mission was to make me fall for him or something, because he was making it impossible not to. That odd feeling in my chest had turned into an actual emotion. One that if I told Hanji she'd die.

Eren let go after he finished. He was really something.

“Are you done crying?” I asked, while he wiped his tears, and blew his snot filled nose. It's weird but I liked how he looked even if he really wasn't at his “prettiest” because he was like that for me and I'm a sucker for him even if he looked disgusting blowing his nose.

“Yeah I'm done now” he said, even though there was still a couple of tears still rolling down his cheeks, and his voice sounded like there was still plenty of snot built up there.

“We're probably going to spend all night focusing on cleaning your snot nose out” I said, and he actually laughed. It wasn't a roll on the floor laugh just a little more than a chuckle, sweeter and more meaningful, and of course I melted inside.

“I actually have a surprise for you” he said though his stuffy nose.

“Do you now?”

 

~~~

Jean and I hadn't slept together since the day he first beat me. I still loved him, in a sick sort of way, but maybe I was more scared of him rather than in love with him? When I had asked him what it took for me to keep spot he made it unambiguously clear what he wanted.  When he kissed me, I didn't kiss him back, I faked through whatever I had to. Moans, screams, love. He still brought ‘guests’ home whenever he wanted not bothering to even hide them from me. I didn't care though, what kept me going was the day’s my mom did recognize me, Spot, and my trusty fixes of heroin. Life really wasn't really life anymore, but I did my best with what I had. With time things become easier, and I had a lot of time to get used to this hell.

I won't forget this what he did, the ultimate cherry on top of my shit sundae he had been preparing since day one. When all the shit finally hit the fan. It was a typical day at work, I walked back home, I sped walked, the warm air felt nice. Winter had ended spring was about to, and the weather was in that in between hot and cold, perfect weather. The day felt unusually nice, a bit humid, but nice.

I walked into the cold apartment, surprised that I wasn't greeted by Spot, and he's pleas for attention like I usually was. I didn't make much of the observation.

“Spot?” I called, looking around for him, he wouldn't be hard to miss, and he had grown considerably big. “Spot?” I called again, looking everywhere for the silly cat.

“E, you're home “Jean said coming out of the bathroom, showered. I glanced at him.

“Have you seen Spot?” I asked.

“Um” he said.

“Usually he runs to me when I come home from work, he didn't this time.” I said, checking under the couches.

“E, Spot isn't here” Jean said. I looked up at him from the spot where I was checking.

“What do you mean? Is he in a different room or something?” I asked, confused.

“No, E…” he said walking closer to me, “Spot ran away” he added, placing his hand on my shoulder “When I got home one of the Windows was open, and Spot was missing” he said.

A piece of me really did go missing while I was with Jean, actually, many pieces were _stolen_ not just one. I admit I believed Jean, I had even cried in his arms, something that I hadn't done since my mom had forgotten me the first time. I really felt torn. What would happen now? What would become of me? Living with Jean with no sort of sunshine in this dark hole that I had been living in. I did what I did best at times like these. I got high. I don't remember which drugs I did that day but I was fucked up everything was blurry and, I wasn't even me, I felt different. I don't even know how I was still functioning enough to notice that my, oh precious pipe had gone missing. Me being as high as I was I went to look in the trash. I stumbled down to the alley, not caring if I were to fall and bust my skull open. I’d welcome death with open arms. I scrummaged though our trash finding the usual trash until I heard the faintest meow. My heart stopped, and I stopped going through the garbage, I thought I was tweaking, that my mind was playing tricks on me. But, still followed the sound back to the neighbor’s bins, to a black bag on the ground. The bag was not really moving but whatever was inside was twitching. I prepared myself for what was inside, trying my best to shake my high and fear off. I hesitantly opened the bag. My heart sank at the sight. There was Spot, more of what had been Spot. My once cheerful companion had been beaten, beautiful fur that he had rubbed on my legs whenever I would cook or clean, was covered in blood,  the legs he had used to come greet me every morning without fail , looked distorted, completely broken.  I reached down into the bag, carefully picking him up, he winced as I did, and he was suffering still trying to hold on to dear life. I sat down with his lump body, holding him, careful not to hurt him. I petted the top of his head. This was real. This was not the drugs, I knew this. And I knew who had caused Spot’s misery. My tears started falling right after. But hearing his rigid breathing, and the pain he was in I stopped crying and began sobbing. He would never keep me company when I read, “I'm so sorry” I repeated over and over. He would never comfort me when I was at withdraw, or crying myself to sleep, “I brought you into this shit hole” I continued in between tears. He would be gone, and it was my fault “It's my fault. I'm so sorry” I held him, Feeling his breathing skip and the way he shook. "I love you so much, Spot. I thought that bringing you home was the only good decision I had ever made...I thought I was...saving you..." I paused my sobbing getting in the way of my words.

"I was selfish, because I only thought of myself, convincing myself that I was helping you, when it was the other way around. When you were the one brightening my day, making my days... bearable, happy even. But I never thought that I was bringing you directly into your..."  Somewhere in between my words Spot's breathing had stopped and he had stopped moving completely, I hoped he had at least heard half of what I had said. I still sat there for a bit, holding Spot's, bloody body.  I don’t know for how long I sat there crying, reminiscing in memories of Spot, while contemplating what to do with Spots body, with myself, with my life. I finally, pulled myself out of the corners of my mind when I heard footsteps approaching. I quickly rushed for somewhere to hide, leaving spots body behind. I jumped my neighbor’s fence and hid. I watched Jean come out of and look around, and looking down at Spot’s, bloody, lifeless body with disgust.

"Shit" he said under his breath. “E, I can explain “he called out.

I was quiet

“I'm sorry- “, he looked down, his face looked remorseful, I almost believed him, but I knew better. “E just please come back home, I need you by my side.” He asked

I remained silent

“You know I love you, E.” He called out into the alley. “We don’t need that cat to be a family, E” he said, glancing down at spot. “It can just me and you again, E. Just like old times. How about it?” He waited, extending his arms out like waiting for me to run into them. When I didn’t, “Dammit E get the fuck out right now before I do to you what I did to your fucking cat!” He yelled, kicking Spot’s body. Spot’s body bounced off the garbage can and fell into a pile on the ground. Something in me burned inside , I wanted to jump out and beat the living crap out of him, I wanted him to feel what Spot had felt when he beat him senseless, what I had felt all the times he had humiliated me, what he fucking deserved to feel. But I was smarter than that, I knew how it would play out if I acted on it.

I looked down at the ground, at Spot's body, and whispered a, "I love you”, I and left behind everything. I ran knowing that I'd finally made the right choice. I ran until I didn't recognize my surroundings, until I knew I'd be safe from him. I was afraid, that he’d find me, and that he’d kill me.  I was shaking, and I was afraid that I was now alone. But for the first time ever I was happy to be alone.

~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said this chapter was emotional and hard for me to write especially that I myself am a cat owner, and I have no idea what I would do without her. I'm sorry again, and 
> 
> Thank you for reading, I appreciate any Kudos and comments, I love you all.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	13. Starts with K ends with S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy

**Levi**

 

Eren didn't need to convince me very much to go along with his cute little plan, I would have gone without his convincing. Watching him getting all worked up about it and looking so enthusiastic about me agreeing was just a bonus. I drove to wherever it was he planned to drag me to, while he gave me directions. Every red light I'd sneak a look at him, but surprisingly I was the only one staring this time, he was too focused on the red light, like if him staring at it would make it change any sooner. Which only made it harder for me to keep my eyes off of him. What did he have planned that he looked so focused? We drove to an old red bricked building, he wasted no time, pulling me by the sleeve, and he rushed me inside. Walking in it smelled clean, like soap so that was a good sign. In the entrance there was a small, angry looking blonde. She looked at the two of us, or more like just me. She stared at me like if I were a two headed squirrel.

“Annie, is everything ready?” Eren asked the tiny, glaring girl. Not noticing the glare she sent my way, a glare too similar to my own. She didn't peel her cold blue eyes away from me and said a firm “yes.” Eren walked down a hall and stopped after reaching two big doors, I followed of course, but not before sending her a glare of my own to the girl I made sure it had 'I could kill you too' written all over it.

“Levi…” Eren began, his back to me, “I want you to meet the most important person of my life…” he said. He reached his hands out to the door, his hands shaking. “My mom” he said, after a brief moment of silence. He opened the two big wooden doors and walked inside, not giving me a second to let the information sink in. His mom? Me? What made me so special? I followed him into the room, the walls were a nice white and a light salmon color, windows surrounded the room most likey to keep a calm atmosphere. The room was empty other than a woman in a wheelchair, that sat in the center was of the big room, facing away from us.

“Hi” Eren said to the woman, walking closer to her. The woman turned, a tender smile taking over her face, when looking at Eren. She looked almost exactly the same as the picture in Eren’s book, she didn’t look aged at all. Other than a few streaks of grey that lingered in her brown her that was pulled to a side ponytail. Her skin still looked smooth, and healthy. Eren was the spitting image of her. It was amazing how similar the two looked.  

“Hello there darling” she said, “Are you here with news on Grisha?” She asked her tone quite lively.

“No, I'm sorry, but I'm here to introduce you to…” Eren singled me to approach the two, I did after getting my mind around the two’s similarities.

“Levi Ackerman, it's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Jaeger” I said extending my arm out to her.

“Well, what a very well-mannered young man” she said taking my hand, “You can call me Carla”, she added shaking it. “So are you two friends of Grisha?” She asked, looking over at Eren.

Grisha was the name of Eren’s father. From what I could tell it seemed she was in the late stages of her disease.

“No. I knew him, but I wouldn't consider myself and him friends” Eren said.

Erens father had abandoned the two when he was still young, and apparently he wasn't quite fond of him. Which wasn't surprising at all.

“So, no idea when he'll be back?” She asked, concern in her voice.

“No. We're sorry “ Eren apologized, sincerely. As if he wondered the question himself, but I doubt he’d admit it.

“That's quite alright. I just hope he makes it back on time to see our child’s birth” she said holding on to her womb. I looked over at Eren for some sort of answer but his eyes were still fixated on her, he looked in pain seeing her like that and I knew not to bother. “What do you think about the name Eren? She asked, him. Gently rubbing her womb. I looked at Eren for an answer again but he still looked a bit off.  Mrs. Jaeger looked at Eren for an answer too, but looking at him seemed to show just how many times this question has been asked, and how it was breaking him. So naturally I came to rescue his ass.

“Eren is an absolutely beautiful name. It would suit him very nicely” I said looking at Eren, he smiled. His glossy glorious eyes making me want to continue. “I bet he'll turn out to be absolutely stunning…” What was I doing? I asked myself, I wasn’t one to compliment people, I should just stop before I said anything I’d regret, but continued anyway. “Compassionate, and sincere. The type of person that brings the out good in people...even if there was no good left..." I tried to stop myself before I blurted out the obvious. But how could I when Eren seemed to be under a sort of spell, a spell that my words had caused. So, I kept going. "...he'll make you want to dig into the darkness inside yourself to scrape up anything positive from the scum. He'll become your motivation, and your inspiration to become better than what you ever were... "

Okay Levi that's enough, don't be a pansy either. I told myself. But I'm not good with reason. Or controlling myself when it came to Eren.

Here goes nothing,

"He'll stir something inside you that you're both terrified and fortunate to feel...he'll be an absolutely brilliant person all together” I said not taking my gaze away from Eren for an instant, taking in every second of his breathtakingly gorgeous eyes. His stare never left mine either, gentle, and sweet, fuck how it melted my ice cold heart.

“We should eat” he said, rapidly blinking away the tears that had begun to form in his eyes.

 

 

**Eren**

Levi truly was mesmerizing. The way he looked at me and described me did something to me, something that I never wanted to stop feeling. Levi was extremely kind to my mom, the entire time. He truly was interested in what it was she had to say. She told him of how she had met my dad, how good she was at cooking, and how happy she was to meet him. He never made her uncomfortable, or said anything that would confuse her. He was careful with her. After we ate, visiting hours were over.

"It was a pleasure to meet you both" My mom said, but looked at Levi. She had liked him. I was glad.

"The pleasure was all ours Mrs. Jeager" Levi said, his lips curving into a smile. Instinctively my stomach went to knots.

My mom waved bye to both of us, while we left the building and headed into the also cold car. We both sat in the car for a bit, the heater warming up as we sat in silence. The hum of the theater was the only sound that rang through.

“Thank you, Eren” Levi broke the silence. I turned to look face him, he was already looking at me, his face morphed into something I had never seen planted on his face.

“There's no need to thank me” I said, my heart beating out of control.

“But there really is, I haven't had something like that since my mother passed away” he said motioning to the building behind us. “So thank you” he said, his eyes were glassy with tears, his voice  low, his tone a honest whisper, and I was having a heart attack. He looked away after that, starting the car’s engine, he drove out of the parking lot, and headed for home. My heart felt as if it would beat out of my chest, my throat felt dry, my palms were sweaty, and my stomach felt as if it would drop.

I let out a sigh, “H-how about I turn on the radio?” I hatted how my voice stuttered, giving away my nervousness. “Just play something from my phone” Levi said, taking his phone out of his pocket and handing it to me. I connected the phone and searched for a song, they were all weird. I scrolled, and scrolled, but couldn't find anything I recognized. I guess Levi saw how I was struggling so he extended his hand asking for his phone, I complied. He quickly chose a song, and pit his phone down.

The car filled with low piano music, a bit depressing actually. I was going to say something but Levi stopped me, raising a finger as if telling me to wait. The tempo began to speed up, it was beautiful, the car filled with the music, I looked over to Levi, tapping at the steering wheel with his fingers like if he himself was tapping on the piano tiles, playing the music. Before I knew it the melody ended.

“What did you think?” He asked.

“Gorgeous.” He whispered something and I swear it sounded like he had said “like you”, “What?” I asked hoping I would be correct.

“I said, I know how to play this, well I knew” he said, which explained the tapping on the steering wheel.

“I didn't know you could play the piano “

“We learn something new every day.” He said, parking the car. I hadn't noticed we had arrived at his house.

“Thank you” I said.

“All I did was drive you back” he said his face back to its old self.

“I suppose, but you also gave me a day I couldn't forget, my mom hadn't even smiled like that with me- _I_ haven't smiled like that in years” I said. His usual glare softened. “You made today what it was, all I did was invite you” I said. We were both quiet. Not even the hum of the heater to ease the extreme tension in the car.

“It’s getting late” he finally said, I turned to face him, but he was looking out his window. What did he mean? Did he want me gone? I decided I’d leave, but first  I had to ask, I had to make sure I wasn’t imaging what I had felt back when Levi described me, described his emotions towards me. “Levi?” I called out, not daring to turn to look at him, knowing very well how I’d lose myself in his stare. I didn’t wait for him to respond, that would only give me more time to change my mind. “Did you mean it?” I asked, “What you said, back when you-“

“Every word” he answered, before I could finish. I opened my mouth to ask again, to make sure he wasn’t just joking.

“I wouldn’t lie”, he added before I could say a word. “Especially to you.” His words made my heart throb, I lowered my head, looking down at my lap. He had to be kidding, I mean me is motivation? ME? I couldn’t even make decisions for myself yet I was _his_ motivation _and_ inspiration? It was impossible.

“Eren” his voice flowed through the silence like water, I swallowed, hoping the knot in my throat would disappear.

“Levi?” I whispered. His face glowed under the moonlight that sneaked into the car, his face was soft, and gentle under the moonlight. I swallowed again, this wasn’t good. His hand reaching for my chin, my breathing quickly sped up. He leaned in closer to me, and I followed his lead. My face only inches away from his, my mind yelling at me not to, while my heart fought it off, I was torn for two seconds, but I had decided long before that what I would do. He closed the distance between us, his lips pressed over my own, I wanted this since I had first met him. Levi held my face in his warm hands, I was warm, despite the cold weather, he kept me warm and I loved that. His scent took over my nose, an oddly satisfying mixture of soap and hint of Cologne, the same familiar sent as before. The sent I had gotten very used to. I caught myself holding him, from his toned shoulders. Even after just having dinner a couple of hours ago, his mouth tasted of sweet mint, he had been chewing gum. His lips were softer than what I expected, but I wasn't complaining for being wrong. We had to tear ourselves off of each other. When we did, for once the cold, know it all, Levi Ackerman seemed not to know what to do next. He looked at me his eyes wide, his checks the lightest pink ever to exist, barely noticeable. My mouth and face felt like they were on fire, especially the spots where Levi had been touching. A feeling I had never felt before, with _anyone_. I instantly felt guilt, then regret.

“I'm so sorry, that was uncalled for” I said.

“No Eren I-“

I cut him off. “It’s getting late” I mirrored his pervious words, heading out of the car. I would have thought Levi would follow, but he didn't. I was both grateful and disappointed he hadn't. Right after stepping into my car I drove off. If I waited at all, I knew I’d only run back to Levi and continue where we had left off.

The kiss played over and over in my mind as I drove, his smell, the feel of his soft lips, and the heat from his hands that left behind a trail of a fervid sensation. I couldn't get him out of my mind.

I parked outside of my apartment I couldn't walk in. I was still too jumbled I needed time to recover, to _think_. I sat in the car, hating myself for enjoying the kiss as much as I did. I hated myself because what I had felt that single moment with Levi was filled with more emotion. Was more than what I have ever felt in years, more than what I would ever feel with anyone else. I always managed to fuck shit up.

 

 

~~~

You can only imagine what I could do next after leaving Jean, coved in blood, broke, and drugged.

Sadly enough the drugs wore off, I was still at a miss at what I had to do. I was so lost, I tried to restart. I tried to get a job but with no home, no ID and no other change of clothes my chances were none. I always came back to a particular mini mart, the owner didn't call the police, and soon after the rain got some blood off of my clothes. I guess I looked pretty bad because a woman, came up to me, offering me a snickers.

“Here ya go sweet pea” she said her voice thick with a Brooklyn accent. She was blonde not a dirty blonde but a natural light blonde, she wore a black skin tight skirt, and a matching red and black corset with lace detail, under her corset she wore only a bra and you guessed it, lace.

I took the candy bar, and nodded at her in appreciation at her. She sat by me unwrapping a candy bar of her own, I watched her from the corner of my eye, she was wearing a bright red lipstick and excessive makeup, though she looked good in it.

“It's okay if ya don't talk, I can do the talking for the both of us” she said, wrapping her red lips around a chunk of the snickers taking a bite from it. “Name’s Quincy” she said in between chews. “I've been in the streets for a year, and let me tell ya sweet pea, it blows!” She said taking another bite from her candy bar. “Sometimes makes me wanna blow my brains out!” She said laughing at her joke, pretending to shoot the side of her head, with a pretend gun she made with her hand. She stopped quickly after she noticed I hadn't been laughing. She sucked on her teeth. “Looks like you ain't got no sense of humor left in ya…” when I didn’t answer, he talking cased. I could tell from the corner of my eye that she was looking at me, like if she was looking for something in my appearance. After a moment of her silence, she sighed, “Look doll, you're pretty, real pretty. I can help you. You don't have to beg in the streets like I did. Doll, you can skip all that, and make something of yourself, be independent!” she yelled into the dark street, “What I'm offering you won't be a walk in the park though, life ain't no walk in the park. I guess that's a bad example because even if you are just strolling in the park you can step on shit” she thought to herself, trailing away from what she was going to say. “Either way, we all have that one thing that keeps us from really blowing our brains out, hun. If you didn't you wouldn't be sitting here, you'd be dead in some ditch somewhere. Just let me help ya out” Quincy made sense, and she was right. I had to act fast or I won't be able to get my mom back from her home, and the clothes on my back being the only items I had to offer, I didn’t see another option for myself. So I took Quincy up on her offer, and accepted her help.

 

~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are much appreciated, honestly I don't think you guys understand how much I love criticism, good or bad (though I prefer good) thanks for reading.
> 
> P.s. For now I will be updating on Fridays, since I got a second job I have little to no time for myself, but the little I do have I'll be spending it on this fanfic  
> Love you guy<3  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	14. Intruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy it.

**Levi**

 

  
  
I wasn't sure what to do with myself, after Eren left. I couldn't move a muscle, I just sat there, even after he drove away and was long gone. I just sat there living in that moment over and over. I closed my eyes, convincing myself that doing so would make the feeling last longer, or more vivid. I went inside until the car became too cold, freezing my fingers off wouldn’t help anyone.  
  
I walked into the building ignoring Oliver while he tried to catch my attention. I walked up to the elevator that led me to my apartment, but was not so pleasantly greeted by a big, tall figure waiting for me in front of it. As I got closer, I realized he was bigger than anticipated, he turned after hearing my approaching footsteps.  
  
He was porn star handsome, not facially, but physically. He was indeed built, his tight suit proof enough. He had his blonde hair cow licked to the side, which looked completely stupid. Though, he did need the room for his abnormally dark, huge eyebrows that took up half of his face. The only thing he had going for him was his body, not even his eyes were worth a second glance, but they did make him look like part of the undead. Walker quality, no contacts need.  
  
  
“Took you long enough, what were you doing in there? Masturbating?” He asked me before I even joined him in front of the elevator. “Though it wouldn't surprise me” he added turning away from me.  
  
  
I stepped in front of him, keeping him away from the elevator, I narrowed my eyes at the giant, in disgust.  
  
“Who the fuck are you?” I asked at full Levi.  
  
  
“Just go inside, and we'll talk” he said, ignoring my attitude completely.  
  
“Fuck you” I cursed at him, honestly getting real pissed off. He seemed a bit shocked, guess he didn't know who I was.  


He maneuvered his arm around me, and the elevator doors slid open, making a ding when they did. “Just go inside, Ackerman” he said.  
  
“Piss off, before I kick your fucking eyebrows off” I threatened.  
  
He gave a challenging look, and _carried_ me inside by the shoulders, the doors closing behind us.  
  
“Don't fucking touch me with your filthy, gorilla hands” I pushed him away from me. He ignored my yelling and typed in something in the elevator.  
  
I was about to punch him a new jaw, or kill him. Whatever happened first.  
But, the fucker caught my fist midair.  
  
“I'm not here to fight, Ackerman” he said.  
  
“I don't recall asking” I said snatching my fist back from his grasp.  
  
“Look, I'm just here to settle something straight with you, just listen to it and I'll leave afterwards” he said. The elevator doors dinged open on my floor. How the fuck did he- I looked at him.

“Go on inside” he said, ignoring my glare, and pointing into my apartment. I stood my guard. The smug piece of shit chuckled, and walked around me. “Let me start with this” he continued before I could give my okay. He held up his left hand, showing me the gold band that wrapped around his finger.  
  
“You're married congrats, ass hat”  
I said, pushing his big hand away from my field of vision.  
  
  
“Not my point” he removed the wedding ring, and handed it to me. “Read what's engraved” he added.  
  
I held the ring up, and read the inside of the ring. _Eren Jaeger_ was clearly written in cursive. My heart dropped back into a hole, or my throat because it felt as if I was choking, but at the same time I felt nauseous. This man was Eren’s **_husband_**. I didn't mean anything anymore, I probably never did. I felt that familiar itch on the back of my mind. I was pissed, I was confused, I was so many things. I suppose my emotions showed this time because the man cleared his throat.  
  
  
“Right, so keep your distance away from Eren for now. Don't call him, don't look for him, and don't even think about him. You'll only be a nuisance for the both of us” He told me, I was many things at that moment, but anger filled me completely then.  
  
  
 I walked towards him, “Get the hell out” I growled through my clenched teeth.  
  
He nodded, taking the ring back from me, and pressed the button to call the elevator back, amused at my reaction. He walked into the elevator, pausing before the doors closed, looking back at me.   
“Facts are facts Levi, why have someone like you when he already has someone like…” he motioned to himself, “me?”

The doors slid shut, any later and his head would have been bloody under my damn foot. Even after his absence, the rage inside me didn’t rest. I shouldn’t even be pissed, Eren didn’t owe me anything. Hell, if I would have been that shrimp dick that he called his husband and I thought someone had the hots for Eren I would have been pissed too, and he wasn’t wrong; He suited Eren much better than I did. I couldn’t even control my damn emotions, and I expected something from Eren? Unlikely. Yet, here I was indignant, and still unable to control myself.  I punched the pale wooden, wall, the pain on my knuckles made me cringe, but I kept punching, the hard wood cracking all over, under the fresh coat of my blood that I had been painted over it, I kept going. I made a cavity on the wall the size of Hanji’s head and smaller ones surrounding it. My fists throbbed, but I ignored the feeling, and soon another feeling accompanied my physical pain. I wasn't the sensitive type, never was. Even after my mother had passed, I pulled through on my own. Throughout the years a lot of people had stirred a rainbow of different emotions in me. This emotion would be a new color. It wasn't a color I fancied either. I had never been an over-thinker, until now. I had never been the type to care. I had been the one to kiss him, he had practically ran away. I couldn't quite figure out if what I was feeling was because I had fucked up, or because I knew I still wanted Him.  
  
  
  
  
**Eren**

 

  
  
I realize that kissing Levi was wrong, it meant betraying both Erwin and Levi.  
  
I was also too much of a coward to confront Erwin, which is why I appreciated his recent trip. He had been gone for three days, after Thanks Giving, and he was returning tomorrow. I didn't plan on telling him about the kiss, it didn't seem important, Levi and I were just…in the moment. It probably didn't mean anything to Levi anyway, if it had, he would have looked for me by now. Which he hadn't, since the kiss. Me in the other hand, it was dangerous for me to feel the way I did. It was something I didn't recognize, something I didn't understand, if I were to tell Erwin… I wasn't proud of keeping secrets, but it was for the best.  
  
Erwin was already home by the time I got to the apartment. I had gone out to get some groceries for dinner. “Erwin? You're home early” I said, putting down the two paper bags on the kitchen table. He smiled at me, which threw me off, because he rarely smiled.

“Don't bother taking off your jacket” he said walking towards me and leading me to the front door. “We're going out to eat” he said, putting on his jacket.

I wasn’t about to oppose his offer, he seemed to happy and guilt was still eating at me, but I decided to satisfy whatever it was that had gotten into him, and allow him to drag me to a restaurant that we had never visited before, and of course I was underdressed.

  
  
“Erwin is this really…” I began, but Erwin sensed my hesitance because of the situation, and interrupted me.

“We never go out anymore, just let me treat you a bit. We are married.” He said, it was as if I had stabbed myself with a knife and I was twisting it, guilty was an understatement. “You know, I love you right?” He said reaching his hand across the table to hold my hand. My heart was racing, and shame filled me, the knife twisting again  
I swallowed and nodded. He smiled at my response, and reached his free hand into one of his inner pockets in his jacket. “We never did have a proper honey moon and I was thinking…” He said and pulled out a piece of paper, handing it to me. I took it. It was a plane ticket, to Miami. I looked up at him, in search for a verbal answer to all the questions that raced through my mind. “We both deserve a break” he added. “I get tired of the same old job, and I bet you get tired of yours too, always having to see Ackerman” he added.

  
I wasn't shocked at the offer, or the location. I wouldn’t mind going with Erwin. I had no reason why I shouldn’t have agreed to it at the spot, but one, I didn't want to leave Levi. . I was afraid of being without him. These three days not seeing Erwin or Levi, my thoughts were invaded completely of Levi not in one Instant did Erwin come to mind. I didn't get tired of him, I actually missed him all the time and it scared me.  
  
“It doesn't have to be Miami, we could go anywhere you want. And you don't have to decide right away I booked the trip in about two weeks” he said. “Hopefully that's enough time” he said rubbing my hands in his own.

  
~~~  


  
He smelled of cheap whiskey and sweat. His hair was a greasy, his suit looked expensive, and he wore a wedding ring, he probably thought I hadn't noticed him taking it off, but I did. He was fidgety, and too eager. Only good thing from the first time was that I wasn't sober, he offered me a couple lines of his coke. We were both fucked up, and I honestly don't think I could have survived the first time sober. He had no mercy, why would he? He had paid for this and he wouldn't take my shit. We went from doing lines together to him forcing me to bend over the bed, my face hit hard on the mattress. I gasped for air when he held my head down, suffocating me. He slammed in with only the lube that the condom provided. Every thrust came with a shock of pain, still being drugged I kind of just laid there. I was no better than an inflatable sex doll, only I wasn't wearing lingerie, and I didn’t deflate.  
  
He didn't stop until he burnt out, and he crashed. While he slept . I painfully limped into the bathroom, I was pretty sure he had left his condom inside of me. I turned on the hot water, and stepped in when I saw the steam start to appear from it. My ass pulsed, he hadn't even prepared me. Just stuck it in, I really wasn't worth anything anymore was I? Had I ever been worth anything to begin with? I sat down in the tub letting the hot water hit my bare skin, even as my skin became sensitive, and scorched.

“I'll live” I assured myself.

“You need to be strong, do it for her” I encouraged myself.

  
“Just do it for her” I repeated. My tears mixing with the hot water, and my shame.

  
  
I never did see that man again. He was a one timer. Curious men came and went, some came back others, didn't. Believe it or not, he wasn't the worst of my ‘customers’. My boss insisted I take the creeps, the ones that probably had ten, twenty restraining orders. Men that were just too fucked up. I had a regular, he was one of the better ones that were sent to me though they were all jackasses. Let's call him Jack, short for jackass. Jack would be gentle, seemed sweet at first.  
But as always I was horribly wrong. His kinks weren't kinks at all. Far from them, they were forms of torture. Cigar burns aren't a kink. Blood and pain should not be pleasurable, it shouldn't.

 

~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and leave kudos.  
> Thanks for reading.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	15. Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I have no clue what I'm thinking when I come up with titles for chapters.  
> enjoy the chapter

**Levi**

 

  
  
I sat on my couch, drinking a hot cup of black tea. The room felt warm, and peaceful, which was odd because my apartment was never peaceful especially due to Hanji’s constant, uninvited visits. Something was off, very off. But, I decided to ignore logic and reason, and just enjoy this little bit of time to myself. I took a long drink from my tea, and enjoyed the warm liquid flow into my mouth and then down my throat. I was actually in a good mood, I couldn't believe it. At the corner of my eye I saw a beam of light coming in through the window, it was an unnatural beam, it looked almost… holy. With my eyes I followed the beam, it shined down on the most elegant looking, black, grand piano. The piano was sitting in the middle of where my kitchen would usually be. I ignored the fact that my kitchen disappeared out of the blue, because I'd rather much have a grand piano. I put my cup down, and walked to the beauty. The light made the piano radiant, it shined like an expensive jewel. I hesitantly touched the dark wood, afraid that it might just vanish if I did. When it didn't, I ran my fingers over the soft polished wood, just feeling the piano under the tips of my fingers made me feel at ease. I felt a too familiar warmth within myself, I wanted to play the piano, I wanted to so badly, but I was afraid it truly would just vanish if I tried to. I fought with myself for a while, not realizing that as I did I subconsciously made my way to the keys. I rested my pointer finger on one of the keys, and sighed. Did I dare? Before I knew it the note rang in the room, echoing as if I was at an auditorium rather than my apartment. I hovered over the keys for a bit.  
  
“No time to think Levi just play something” I told myself out loud. My hands were shaking, it had been so long. Realization hit, and the promise I had made long ago banged at my skull. I pulled my hands back and turned my back to the beauty, I started to walk away from it. I had done the right thing or so I tried to convince myself. The urge that pulled me to the piano was greater than the weight of my promise, I rushed back to the keys, and played whatever came out. The music filled the room, and myself. It played around me, as if I could physically see the notes as I pressed on each key. So much time had passed, but my fingers remembered every note. The melody that I had avoided so long flowed so freely. I closed my eyes trusting my fingers as they pressed down each key. As the song came to an end I felt lighter.. Once it did end I opened my eyes I was welcomed by a pair of ocean colored beauties that made me feel like I had just swallowed my heart.  
  
“That was beautiful” he whispered, from the other end of the piano.  
  
“I know it was” I harshly said, trying to compose myself. He smiled, and walked towards me.  
  
“There's no need to put those walls up for me, Levi” he said. Standing over me form where I sat.  
  
“I already tarred them down” he added. Before I could defend his obviously true words with a sarcastic snark, or a witty insult, perhaps a quick curse, he did the last thing I expected. He had bent down and kissed me. I was completely thrown off by the warmth and the sweetness of his soft lips. I didn't waste a second to return the gesture. There I sat in the piano stool kissing the only person I'd actually allow ever hear me play, the person I knew I couldn't live without and had no idea how I had survived so long without.  
  
He pulled away from me, wrapping his arms around my neck, resting his chin on my shoulder. I wrapped my own around his waist. He let out a sigh, nuzzling my neck.  
  
“You know what?” He whispered into my ear, his breath was warm, and his tone seductive.  
  
“What?” I whispered back.  
  
He blew into my ear and chuckled,  
“You're almost as good as Erwin” he whispered just as seductively.  
  
I pushed him off.  
  
“What did you just say?” I asked in disgust.  
  
“I said that you almost kiss as well as Erwin, my husband” he said emphasizing his name, and the tittle he held. The name it's self was enough to piss me off.  
  
“Don't look so angry, Levi” he said.  
  
“It was obvious that I’d pick him over you. He's successful, handsome, and tall” he said, while I glared.  
  
“And you're just an addict that got lucky. You get payed to piss out stories, he gets payed to work. Can you really be angry at me for picking the obvious choice?” My anger became something else, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. I turned away from him hoping to shake off the feeling.  
  
“You don't deserve all that you have” he whispered, my back still turned. “You didn't earn this” he continued. “You stole this… from them” I looked back at the boy in horror. How did he know? What did he know?  
  
  
“You don't deserve me. Not after what you did” he said, and I couldn't agree more. I had known for a long time that I didn't deserve anything good that came my way, I had come to terms with it acknowledging the good as a punishment.  


  
^^^

  
I woke up in a pool of my own sweat and fear. My breath was hitched, and I was struggling to catch up with it. I rapidly blinked, making sure I was awake. It had been a dream… it had been a dream. I laid back down on my soaked sheets. It felt too real, all of it was so... true. I had woken up but the burden and guilt still remained in my shoulders, and now a price was to be paid. Even if it was with the only thing I had done all on my own, the only person that saw more to me not just an asshole and money value. I sighed at the reality of it all.  
  
“Why so glum chum?” Hanji’s voice broke through my depressing atmosphere.  
  
“Who let you in?” I asked not caring to move from my spot.  
  
“Details Levi, now on to the important. Why such a sad sigh?” She asked sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
  
“It's a sigh, don't read too much into it” I cleared up.  
  
“Um no. There are only two types of sighs I've heard from you” she said  
  
“The first one,” She held a finger up to me, “Is the angry sigh meaning someone said something or just rubbed you the wrong way” she said.  
  
“The second one,” she put up a second finger, “Is the bored sigh, which means about the same as the first one just less eyebrow twitching and steam coming out of your ears” she said, twitching her eyebrows.  
  
“My eyebrows don't twitch like that” I assured her.  
  
“And I’m perfectly fine” I added, pulling the blanket up to cover myself. “I'm going back to sleep”  
  
“What?!” Before I knew it she had confiscated my blanket.  
  
“You never go back to sleep! And why is your blanket wet?” She yelled holding up my blanket.  
  
“Piss off” I growled, but of course she ignored me.  
  
“Oh my gosh… Levi” she froze and I did too, fuck did that idiot crack it? “I know why you're sad” she said way too seriously. She had figured it out great. “You wet the bed” she said, oh so shockingly, holding the blankets close.  
  
“What the fuck? No” sat up to defend my innocence.  
  
“It's okay Levi everyone's done it.” She said as if I wasn't even there.  
  
“No not everyone” I said.  
  
“Hell even I do it sometimes” she said.  
  
“You mean did it” I corrected her.  
  
“No, I know what I meant” she confirmed.  
  
“Whatever. But that's sweat not piss” I said pointing at the blanket she held too closely considering she thought it was piss.  
  
“Oh ew” she said tossing the blanket aside. I could've asked her how sweat could be worse, but I didn't care.  
  
“The only reason that happened was because of you” I said. She looked at me, confused. “I had a nightmare because you told me that assholes name” I clarified.  
  
“He's your love rival you need to know his name, so you know what to call him when you crush him” she said, pretending to smash something in her palm, with her fist.  
  
“Though, I’d love to crush his smug ass, he's not my anything.” I assured her. She looked confused  
  
“But you both love Eren” she said.  
  
“I never said that”  
  
“But you do” she sat down, “ And Eren loves you too”  
  
I glimpsed at her. She looked defeated as if denying my feelings hurt her somehow.  
  
“He's just a kid, he doesn't know what love is. I don't even know if it exists” I lied.  
  
“But Levi you're so happy when you're with him, you can't just say that” she seemed completely torn. “ He introduced you to his mom, you’ve opened up to him. Levi, do you know how a big deal that is?”  
  
“The kid is married Hanji, he just needs me for his book.” I tried to convince her and myself.  
  
“So use that as an excuse to steal him away”  
  
“You just don't get it, I can't just-“ I stopped mid-sentence. How could I explain to her that everything was finally catching up to me? That I knew I deserved to suffer? That I didn't deserve Eren anymore that Erwin did?  
  
“Don’t you cry on me, Levi”, she interrupted my inner pity party.  
  
“I’m not going to cry. Who do you take me for?”  
  
“I don’t know anymore… since you wet the bed”, she looked over at the blanket she had dropped across the room.  
  
I sighed, but was grateful at the same time for Hanji’s strange sense of humor. Even at a time like this she finds a way to ease the tension. I’d never let her know that though. 

  
  
  
**Eren**

 

 

Happiness was a word I've, many, times thought I knew the definition to, and was proven wrong just as many times. I truly thought this time, now that I had people that cared for me, that I had someone who truly loved me that I had found happiness, despite my not corresponding to said feelings. I married a man that I thought I owed my world to. I'll come to love him I told myself countless times. But now even years later I had proven myself a liar, not only had I not fallen in love with my husband, but someone else had been stirring something in me that I didn't want to admit to. Hurting Erwin was the last thing I'd ever want to do. I didn't love him but I did care for him. When he asked me to finally take our honeymoon together I would've said yes immediately because that's what he wanted, and that would make him happy. But, I couldn't. The words felt wrong, and untruthful even as I just thought of agreeing. I didn't want to go on a honeymoon with him, but I also didn't want to hurt him. If I said yes if potentially lose anything that I had with Levi, and hurting Levi felt worse than saying no to Erwin. I was torn, and confused at what to do. I needed advice, but I couldn't turn to any of my friends without getting Levi involved. I had to tell my mom, she's the only one that would understand.

“Do you love this man?” My mom asked. I looked up at her, then down at my feet.

“I-I wouldn't call it love” I said “I'm actually not sure what it is, so having a name for it is out of the question” I added.

“Well, you obviously care a very great for this man” she said.

“But I also care for Erwin” I said, and my eyelashes becoming wet from tears that were sure to come.

“Look, I can't tell you what to do sweetie, you have to figure that out. But keep in mind that you need to care for yourself too and that your happiness and wellbeing comes before either one of these men.” Her voice was gentle and when she placed her hand on my shoulder and I immediately relaxed, and the knot in my throat disappeared.

“Thank you” I looked up to meet her soft brown eyes. I couldn't help but hug her, I didn't care if she remembered me or not. She returned the embrace as soon as I had given it. She was right I had to decide for myself what to do. But I didn't need any time to decide, I just needed to spill it out to him. The person that made me truly happy. I'd visit Levi as soon as possible.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. Please comment kudos if you can, Until next time.  
> I love you guys  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	16. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was supposed to go up on Christmas but I got to messed up to finish. Anyway, I hope you guys like it!  
> Enjoy

**Levi**

 

 

  
  
So I was depressed, but when wasn't I? I was exhausted, I was afraid that if I fell asleep I'd just suffer through the nightmare again. I had gotten it four days in a row and I wasn't planning on getting it a fifth time. It was four a.m. and I was chugging down my fifth cup of coffee and mindlessly watching some show about some prison chicks and a chicken. I spent whole night clicking through bad shows and drinking way too much coffee. I was probably running on enough caffeine to kill a person, I had even began to scribble out what, at the time I thought to be a manuscript. I was so out of it that I had even misplaced it. The last memory I had of it was when I had written the title.  
  
Next thing I know I'm woken up by the buzz of the intercom that cut through my much needed slumber. I jumped once the second round of buzzes came along. Now I really had to kill Oliver.  I pushed myself up from where I was laying, my body felt massive, but I accomplished getting off the floor, where I had apparently collapsed last night. I sat on the floor, still extremely tired, and now also pissed for getting woken up. I rubbed my eyes hoping to rub off some of the sleep deprivation from them. I got to my feet and dragged myself to the door, while the buzzes continued.  
  
“I swear to god if someone isn't either dead or dying” I spat, walking towards the buzzer. Before I could even get there, the elevator doors opened.  
  
“Hi” he said shyly, looking as radiant as ever. While I stared at him probably looking like shit, half dead and glowing with despair and self-loath. I wished I'd just drop dead that instant.

 

 

  
**Eren**

 

  
  
I had done it. I was here, I made my choice I drove all the way out here going way over the speed limit, excited and eager and now I didn't even have the balls to walk into the building. What right did I have? Had I jumped to conclusions too fast? I just assumed that Levi would be glad to hear that I chose him. That there was never any competition once he showed up. But was this fair to him? Would he even want to be with me after I told him about Erwin? Was Levi like that?

“You gonna walk inside or do you plan on just freezing your butt out here?” Hanji spoke directly behind me. I turned around to face her.

“We could go in my way if you prefer?” She added her lips curling into a sneaky smile.

“N-no I-I was just leaving” I said, clearing my throat to stop my words from tripping over each other.

“That’s too bad, Levi’s missed you quite a bit” she said walking around me to the door. I admit hearing that Levi missed me made my heart throb, reminding me of why I was actually here.

“Hanji, is Levi the judgmental type?” I asked her. She turned around as if I had asked the million dollar question.

“He's the furthest from” she said.

“But I think you should find that out for yourself” she said walking away from the apartment complex. “He's probably still asleep so wake him with a kiss” she said making exaggerated kissing noises before leaving. My face heated up, but I mentally thanked her, and followed her advice.  
  
I walked into the building and asked Oliver to ring Levi for me. He rang him about twenty times, but there was no response. I thought about going up unannounced. Maybe go along with Hanji’s idea…

“He changed is passcode a few days ago” Oliver said. I wasn’t sure what to say. What now? Would I go home? Call Hanji and try it her way? What was her way? Oliver slid me a piece of paper. When I looked up for a clue for it’s purpose, he eyed the elevator and sat back down in his chair. Oliver had given me the code, maybe he wasn’t so bad.

 When the doors slid open, they revealed a corpse like Levi. The bags under his eyes had become multiple shades darker and his creamy, fair skin was pale and pasty. I couldn't come up with the right set of words, so I said what came to mind.

  
“Hi” I barely squeaked out.

“What do you want?” He asked, his words cold enough to send a chill up my spine.

“Well I was just wondering, if we could talk” I said, thanking the heavens that my voice hadn't cracked. He looked around as if to find his answer somewhere else.

“Whatever” he said, walking back into his apartment. I followed behind him, closing the door behind both of us. His apartment was warm and I noticed immediately that it wasn't its cleanest, which was odd, especially or Levi. He sat down on his sofa in front of him, on the coffee table there was at least ten empty mugs. I walked to the coffee table, after removing my jacket and looked into one of the mugs. I smelled the coffee coming from the mug.

“I didn't know you drank coffee”

“Well I do” he retorted, harshly. I put down the mug and sat across from him, as I usually did.“So what do you have writers block or something?” He asked tiredly, rubbing his face, his hand was bandaged. I squinted making sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. He noticed and cleared his throat to get my attention.

“What happened to your hand?” I asked getting up to get a closer look at his bandaged hand.

“That's none of your business” he said harshly trying to defend himself. I ignored his tone and sat next to him taking his hand in my own. He tried to snatch it away but I tightened my grip on it, and flashed him a look. He relaxed after that. I slowly removed the bandage from his hand. It revealed three stitched slashes that ran above his knuckles. I frowned at the wounds. I tenderly rubbed my thumb over the stitches.

  
“How'd this happen?” I whispered to him. When he didn't answer, I looked up at him to look for one. He avoided my eye contact. “Levi” I called.

"Like I said it's none of your business” he said, yanking his hand away from my palm. I was a bit stunned, something was off I had noticed it before even entering the apartment. We hadn't talked for a couple of days, I had just run off the night before with no valid explanation. It was a dick move from my part. That had to be why he felt so different today, I had to explain myself, tell him what I felt that night. The electricity, the warmth, the reason I came to talk to him today.

"Levi about the other-“ I began.

"I think we should stop this” he cut through my sentence. I didn't understand what he meant, and the confusion in my face probably said that. He finally met my eyes.

“This” he emphasized, pointing to himself then at me. “Meeting in person” he said, bluntly.  


I still didn't understand. “I-I'm not sure wh-“ I said looking down at my hands, though deep down I know exactly what he meant and it sent a familiar tug to my chest.  
  
“It's unnecessary for us to be having these little meeting sessions. I can still help with your novel, I am a man of my word, but we can continue from here… differently” he said, but to be honest I didn't hear half of what he had said. But I knew exactly what he meant. My mind had shut off and all I could hear was the voice in my head panic, and my breathing hitch. I looked up at him his lips were still moving but I heard nothing that came out of them. I knew what this meant. I tried to ease my breathing I tried to swallow the knot in that had formed in my throat, I tried to hold back the tears that began to build up in my eyes. I couldn't. Couldn't let him see me like this, I didn't want him to see this side of me. I got to my feet, and tried my best to look as natural and normal as possible as I walked out of his apartment. It wasn't until I got to my car that the warmth of my tears caressed my face and the panic I felt was released.

 

  
**Levi**

  
  
He just left, he didn't even let me finish my reasoning. He flat out left. Of course I didn't blame him for it. I didn't watch him leave either, I knew that if I caught the slightest glimpse of him I'd stop him and go against my own word. What was even harder was not running after him. I sat there fighting myself, for as long as I could, using every thread of strength I had. Until I couldn't, and I ran outside in pajamas with no shoes in the cold, in hopes to catch up to him. Of course I knew I wouldn't. I knew that but that didn't stop me from trying. Once I got to the parking lot he was gone, as expected. I stood in the cold pavement, hoping on everything that I had made the right decision.

  
~~~

  
It's interesting how at home I truly felt in Quincy’s apartment. Sure our job was a living hell, one train wreak after another, and sure we relied on drugs to make every breath we took in these shit lives of ours even the least bit bearable or minimally pleasant, but living with Quincy and Hazel felt like I was welcome and safe. Weird really, how we could be snorting coke and it feel like we were just eating dinner together like a normal family would. Or how we'd be shooting up heroin and it'd feel as if we were having some sort of family game night. Most of my life had been glazed over with the artificialness that the many drugs helped me coat over but this, having two people truly care for you and worry for your wellbeing really felt great, wanted, sometimes even loved. Perhaps it's me reading too much into it, I tend to, in situations but this didn't feel like one. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I remember enough to know that Quincy and Hazel cared for me , even if it was a speak of it, they did  


I didn't much care for my job period, but I hated morning jobs the most. For some reason they seemed to carry more of a disgusting vibe to it. But that was probably just my hangover talking. My boss had called me one morning offering me a morning job, when I asked who the customer was, he’d change the subject. Until I pressed him for an answer, the person was Jack, as in Jackass. He had been banned because of his ruthless ‘kinks’. He was a regular for me, but when I wasn’t available one day, he had bought a night with another girl. Her name was Molly or something. Poor Molly had no clue what she had gotten into. He had tortured her for hours, calling them his kinks. When Molly returned she was pretty fucked up, didn’t say a word, but the look in her eyes were more than enough to tell me never to take a job with him anymore. That is until I was offered more money than I could make in a week. Jack was always careful with me, I was almost positive I’d be fine. Shit, he even thrown the word love around when he spoke to me. It was a job I had to do. So I got ready for the ‘important’ job, with my usual routine. With a line of coke, a form fitting outfit, and stilettos. I was buzzed and out the door by 3pm. I should mention that it was prohibited to take the drugs that a customer offers you, but I'm not very good at following rules. So I, of course took all the free drugs that were offered. Anything to keep my mind off reality.

Little did I know I’d wake up a month later, attached to more machines that I could count, Quincy and Hazel at the foot of the bed sleeping on either side of it. I had no clue what had happened, only thing I knew was that my body ached, and that I was thirsty as fuck. Once they too woke up and finished crying, they told me of how I nearly died, how I was found in naked in a pool of my own blood probably enough to fill up a tub. How scared they were of the very thought of losing me. They too had no idea what had happened to me, The only clue that they had of what was dome to me in the weeks I was missing was the gashes, burns, and broken bones. My body had been in such a ghastly condition, that I had almost blead to death. I had been in a coma since. Jackass had gotten away, but I had lived. The girls had come to look for me and brought me to the hospital

 For a long period I had no memories of what happened that day, but with time, they did begin to flow in, unfortunately. I would have much preferred to have the missing time for the rest of my life, but there was no helping it. When I did begin recovering the time, it was in dreams. The dreams started, as fast blurs of colors and feelings on steroids. The dreams were vivid they were the feeling of being scared, panicked, and useless all the while the red that wrapped around me scorched me. I remembered a quick set of stings and everything fading into a cold blue as if I had been thrown into a river that had frozen over. The clearest detail from it all was the song _Wicked game_ playing as it played over it all, every single nightmare, no matter how gruesome they became with time, it was always playing, mocking me, testing me.

  
~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2 a.m. And I'm here posting fanfic, running on fumes , but loving every second of it. I'm not really sure if this is good or not anymore, I really appreciate criticism good or bad. So please send that my way. I love you guys and I hope you loved this fanfic. Merry late Christmas and Happy early New Year.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	17. Lost sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's one a.m. and I'm updating, my sleeping schedule is so fucked up. I just feel really bad that all my chapters are late, i had timed it perfectly so i could write the Christmas chapter on Christmas, but me being the lazy shit I am i messed it up. Btw this isn't the Christmas Chapter. But, I am trying to write it before i go back to school, and everything becomes hectic, again. But for now, enjoy.

 

~~~

Despite not remembering much about the incident, it fucked me up nevertheless. I had what my therapist called a nightmare disorder. Most of the nightmares being pieces of the night I did not want to remember, they were so vivid, fucked up and inhumane, that was too scared to get any sleep, even if I wanted to, I physically couldn’t. So, as you can imagine I also had insomnia. To help, Hazel and Quincy took turns sleeping with me after the incident, it helped at first but nothing lasts.

 “If this therapist isn’t helpin’, why do you still go to her, sweet pea?” Quincy said, keeping her eyes on her mirror while she coated her eyelashes with mascara.

“It’s not like she’s just going to prescribe some drugs and boom he’s cured. That’s not how it works, Quin” Hazel said, laying on the bed, still wrapped in blankets. She hated mornings.

“That’s not what I’m sayin’ I just think that if this therapist ain’t helpin’ we should find one that does” She said, lowering her hand mirror, and making a face at Hazel from across the room.

I sat up, from my bed, “I actually really like this therapist” I assured her, rubbing my eyes trying to rid myself of how heavy my eyelids still felt.

“There's a difference between likin’ her, and her actually helpin’, sweet pea” she protested.

Hazel, sat up next to me, pulling the blanket away from me. She wrapped it around herself _ET_ style, “Well you gotta be patient, Quin. We both want him to get better.” She said, making a similar face at the light that peaked through the window.

“Can’t argue with ya there, babe” she said, continuing her makeup, and moving on to her red lipstick. She ran the bright red tube over her lips, being extremely careful not to go out of her lip line.

“Why are you getting all dolled up, Quinny?” Hazel asked her, still dozing off in the bed. “You have a customer this early?”

“Or do you have a hot date?” I chimed in, tugging at the blankets Hazel had robbed me of.

“It’s a secret” she teased, grinning, at herself in the mirror

Her answer seemed to wake up Hazel, her eyes shot open and she giggled “Since when do you keep secrets?” she asked, letting the blankets fall, and her cocoon disappeared.

“I’ll have ya know I’m a very private person” She said, crossing her arms in defense. Hazel gave me a look, and I returned it. We both knew Quincy was full of it.

“Its true!” Quincy protested, over us.

“Quinny you wouldn’t know what privacy was, even if it smacked you across the face!” Hazel said and we both laughed, it was true. Quincy was known for her oversharing, whether we liked it or not.

Quincy frowned, “you guys just like making fun of me, only reason why I tell you guys everythin’ is because I love you idiots” she said, without her usual cheerfulness.

 Our laughter came to an end, but was replaced by a pair of “Awws” from Hazel and I.

“We love you too” I added, before Hazel and I tackled, a pouting Quincy to the ground. We weren’t perfect that’s for sure, but we had each other.

The man Quincy was seeing, was named James. He was drug dealer, he had wooed Quincy with gifts, promises of better life, and love. I never did like him, but she did and he made her happy, so I didn’t voice my opinion, but I should have. It wasn’t too long until Quincy stopped hitting the streets and stayed at home, he had prohibited her to, because she was ‘his’. Bruises and cigarette burns that brought back suppressed memories began to appear on her. Soon enough, she wasn’t herself, but a reflection of who I had been, and what was left of her. I loved her, and she was disappearing before my eyes, she was being taken piece by piece and it killed me inside. Hazel didn’t see what I saw, and even encouraged Quincy to ‘stay strong’ until he fulfilled his promise of marriage to her.

It was winter when I last saw her. I had been sober since the incident, which had happened a year ago, but the medication that was proscribed to me made it seem like I wasn’t and I was powerless to stop her, that day. Her face was marked with the yellow of old bruises and the purple of new ones, but she held her smile like if she was her old self. She hugged me as if it she was coming back, but I should have known better. Her favorite color was red, she loved her red lipstick and her nails were the most precious thing in the world to her, she was a natural blonde, her heels were tall enough to scare a pole dancer, she denied she had an accent, she loved dick jokes and snickers, and she had been my sister and I had failed to protect her.

 

~~~

 

**Eren**

 

 

Armin and Mikasa lived together, they had known each other since they were kids. I wished I had known them back then, maybe things would have been different. Maybe my life wouldn’t have been as bad as it was, and it wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did. I had met Armin in college, and Mikasa in an art show. Neither of them knew about my past or the truth behind the novel I was writing. But even though I hadn’t known them for as long as they had known each other, I still loved them like family.

 

“You should have let me know that you were visiting, I would have set another plate at the table” Mikasa said, taking my coat.

“That’s okay, I already ate” I said.

“I actually just came to talk to you guys” I said, walking deeper into the apartment.

“Well, you can talk to us on the dinner table, go wash up, I made lasagna” she said and disappeared into her kitchen.

“There’s no arguing with her after she makes up her mind” Armin chucked walking out of his room.

“Yeah, I know” I laughed with him.

“So, what’s on your mind?” He asked me, sitting down in the dining table. I followed him and took the seat across from him.

“I kinda came for some advice”

“Advice? I can help you there” He said.

“Remember I told you that Erwin had offered me a late honeymoon?” I asked.

He nodded, “And you weren’t sure if you wanted to go” He said.

“Right, well in impulse…I said yes” I said.

Armin’s eyes widened in surprise, “Well I was not expecting that. I suppose you have been working hard with Levi, you deserve a break” he said. Levi’s name made me twitch, and Armin, of course noticed. The slightest frown appeared on his face.

“What’s really going on, Eren?” Armin asked. At the moment Mikasa walked in, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

“What are you two talking about?” Mikasa asked us, putting down a plate of lasagna in front of Armin and myself.

“Nothing important” I said, before Armin could say anything.

She narrowed her eyes at me, like giving me a second chance at an answer. When I didn’t, she said “Okay”, not sounding very convinced, leaving into the kitchen, again.

“Do you not plan on telling her?” Armin asked, after she was gone.

“The trip’s around the same date as her art show” I said, Armin’s face went white.

“I’d be scared to tell her too” He said.

“Exactly”

“I swear to god, if you two don’t tell me what you’re whispering about” she said, walking back into the dining room with her own plate of lasagna.

I tried my best to smile, “I’ll tell you after we finish” I said. Knowing her she would get so pissed off that she wouldn’t eat. She narrowed her eyes at me, but sat down.

“I’m a grown woman Eren, I can handle bad news” she said, cutting off a piece of her lasagna, with her fork.

“I never said you weren’t Mikasa, I’d just prefer if we ate first” I said, doing the same. She nodded, putting the piece of lasagna in her mouth, I followed her lead, watching her as she ate.

To ease the tension a bit, Armin began to tell us about the book he was working on, and about his shift in the hospital. He tried his best to keep the conversation going and away from the topic of Mikasa’s art show, but there wasn’t much he could do.

“So you’re both coming to my Art show next week right?” Mikasa finally asked the question that Armin and I had been avoiding, and he almost choked on his food, when she did.

“Did I tell you guys what happened in the hospital the other day?” He tried to change the subject, but Mikasa shot him a look, and he sank into his chair.

“About that” I squeaked out, her glare turning to me. I cleared my throat, “Um well, Erwin and I are going on our honeymoon next week” I said, looking down at my half eaten lasagna not daring to meet her stare. “And I’m going to miss your art show” I added, quickly.

 “So, that’s the only reason you came to visit?” She said, her words dripping with anger.

“I’m really sorry” I apologized. 

“You’re sorry? I’ve been telling you about this Show for months. You know how important this is for me. Can’t you just go a different day? Postpone it?” she threw the questions at me.

“Erwin wants to go as soon as possible” I said.

 

“It’s always about Erwin isn’t it? What about you? Don’t you have to finish your book? What does Levi think about this?” She asked, and I finally looked up at her. She had tears forming in her eyes.

“You already missed Thanks Giving, and we didn’t say anything, but now you’re missing this? It’s not fair. We never see you anymore, _I_ never see you anymore.” She yelled, before I could apologize again, she got to her feet, and walked out of the apartment. I quickly got to my feet to go after her, but Armin sat me down by the shoulder.

“Let her cool off” he said. I sighed and did what he said. “What’s really going on, Eren?” He asked me. When I was quiet he kept going.“A week ago you were more than against this honeymoon thing” he said.

“Well, I think Erwin really deserves this trip, he’s wanted to go on a honeymoon since we got married” I said, trying my best to sound sincere.

 “But do you want to go, Eren?” He asked.

“No” I whispered. I could never lie to Armin, he always found a way to get the truth out of me.

“So why did you agree to go?” He asked.

“I don’t know” I responded, my voice shaking as I spoke.

“Of course you know” He said, wiping away the tears that had begun to roll down my cheeks.

“I wanted to get away from Levi” I finally admitted. To my surprise Armin didn’t look shocked at all.

“What happened between you two that makes you want to get away from him so desperately?” he asked.

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me” I continued, my voice getting stuck in the back of my throat.

“He said that?” He asked. I nodded.

“So he doesn’t want to help you with your novel anymore?” He asked.

“He does, he just doesn’t want to see me in person anymore” I choked out through my tears.

“I see. Tell me Eren, whats your relationship with Levi?” He asked. The question threw me off completely, and I was at a loss of words.“Is he really _just_ helping you with your novel, Eren?” He pressed. I was still quiet. “Have you cheated on Erwin with him?” He asked.

 

“I’ve never cheated on Erwin!” I snapped, and paused, that wasn’t completely true, I had kissed Levi. Did that count? “We kissed…once” I whispered, lowering my head in shame.

 “You know you’ve seemed so much happier since Levi showed up, more than you ever have with Erwin” he said. So, he thought so too.

“You know, Eren humans don’t have much time” He said, I looked up at him, I had no idea what he was talking about. “The average human life span is 66.1 years, longer if we’re lucky, and shorter if we’re not”, he added, but I was still lost. “What I’m trying to say, is if he’s the person that makes you happy, you should go for it” he said, and I finally understood.

I looked down at my hands, for some sort of comfort “I tried“, I said, grimly.

“Eren are you in love with Levi?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys shy? I mean, I really would LOVE some comments good or bad, hell tell me I suck, but comment it and also please tell me why so I can improve my writing. Or tell me you love me so I can return the love. Stay tuned for the next chapters, you'll love chapter 19 (fun fact: it's also my lucky number)
> 
> Love you guys  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	18. World against me and Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised a new chapter, probably the longest and also the fastest update I've ever had yet. I literally worked on this for two days, one day was non-stop. But, goes to show you guys how much I love you all. I really hope you enjoy. Also, I'm sorry about this but the Christmas Chapter MIGHT be delayed a bit.  
> But, for now enjoy.
> 
> P.s. This is Chapter is part Petra POV I ask you to bear with it, it is critical for the story.

**Petra**

I’ve always been a good person. I have an honest job, I pay my bills on time, and I help out in soup kitchens. I have always tried my best to better myself in any way possible. But, it’s always felt like the world was against me. The day it felt like everything changed, was the day I met Levi Ackerman

I had been a longtime fan of him and his work, I had read every single book that he had published, and had fallen deeper in love with it, as I read each word, savoring each second of it. When I had heard he was doing a book signing I almost died of excitement. I immediately dropped everything, to prepare myself for it. I got my hair done and bought makeup, after years of getting rid of the stuff. The day of, I was already in line to meet him at five a.m. I wore my best clothes, most expensive perfume, and had spent hours perfecting my makeup. I was ready to woo Levi Ackerman, and by the look of the people in line with me, they had the same idea I had. As the line became shorter and people that had already met him passed, some would leave in tears, while others left dazed. I wasn’t sure if they cried of happiness or sorrow. Either way, that wasn’t going to be me. Feet away from him, I got a glimpse of him. He looked bored, possibly irritated, but he still looked like no less than a god. I watched his cold enchanting eyes as he spoke to the people in front of me, occasionally rolling them.

“Next” His deep voice melted through my inner thoughts, bringing me back to reality. I rapidly blinked my eyes to clear them of any distractions. I walked up to the table, and stood in front of Levi, he looked up at me holding out his hand, and I froze. I couldn’t get myself to move a muscle, did he want to shake my hand? Were my hands sweaty? They were, would he be disgusted if I gave him my hand? I had read somewhere that he hated germs, would he hate me if I gave him my hand? He noticed my stillness and pointed at the book that I held in my hand. I quickly, gracelessly handed him my book. He took it and looked it over.

 “You brought Reluctant Heroes?” He asked, looking up at me, looking almost amused. I gulped, hoping he wouldn’t hear it.

“Not many people know about this one” he added, opening the book, and flipping through the pages.

“I-It’s my favorite” I managed to say.

He nodded, flipping the pages back, and held his pen over the book.

“What did you say your name was?” he asked.

“Petra” I nervously murmured.

 “Well, Petra you managed not to piss me off, and that’s something not many people can do” he said scribbling inside my book, and closing it.

“I hope to see you again sometime” he said, handing me my book back. I could feel my cheeks heat up, but I nodded and made my way out of the book store. On my way out I opened the book, and read what he had written.

 

_To Petra, a true fan._

 

It was simple, but the swirls of his writing made my heart skip a beat. I looked down at the page, and I narrowed my eyes down at the small writing that had caught my eye.

 

_Let’s make sometime sooner than later._

_(xxx) xxx-xxxx_

I came to a complete halt, and held the book up to my face, to make sure I had read that correctly. I rubbed the writing with my finger to make sure it hadn’t been some sort of invisible ink. It wasn’t. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had gotten Levi Ackerman’s number.

  We met up soon after the book signing. His presence made me extremely nervous, and it was hard to speak to him, naturally. But we found a common interest in books, he was very closed off but I shared enough for the both of us. I told him enough to keep his attention but also not too much to keep him interested in me.

You can assume what I thought when I got his number, but that hadn’t been the case, and for some time I was alright with just that. But, soon just speaking to him wasn’t enough for me. I craved something more. For a long time I lingered on what it was exactly that I craved. But, I had known what it was all along, it was just a matter of accepting it. Once I did, I was set to achieve exactly what I had in mind.

Levi had told me in more than one occasion about his alcohol addiction. So, I decided to use it in my favor. I had convinced Levi it was my birthday, and he decided to take me out to diner in an expensive restaurant, it was an atmosphere that I wasn’t used to so I was a bit lost. At one point in the night, Levi presented me with a gift, it was a gorgeous gold necklace, with a golden oak leaf hanging from it. I was stunned, and my mind had wondered away from my goal for a bit, no one had ever done something like that for me, something so thoughtful, and second thoughts began to surface. But, I quickly dismissed them. I was determined to accomplish this. I made sure to get Levi drunk enough to make my plan a success, and it was. We ended up having sex. I thought that this would bring us closer together, and possibly give us a chance at a serious relationship. But that never happened.

“What happened here was a mistake” he said, pulling up his jeans, and buttoning them.

 _Mistake_ the word played over and over in my head.

“This was wrong, I can’t have you bringing your hopes up for something that will never happen” He continued, pulling his shirt over his head. Panic rose inside me, would he stop speaking to me now? Would I now go back to admiring him from the distance, and through his work?

 “But Levi- “I protested.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Petra. This was never my intention” He said motioning to both of us, and what we had done. I nodded, choking back tears. He moved to put on his shoes, and I watched him. He was about to leave, and I was going to let him. But, I couldn’t. I rushed to stop him, as he walked to exit the room. I stood between him and the door, completely naked but determined.

“Petra” he called, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“No, I can’t lose you” I responded, standing my ground.

“We have to say goodbye, Petra” He said, and I lowered my stare.

“I can’t” I whimpered. I would say it, I had to. “I love you, Levi” I let the words flow out, but kept my eyes glued to the floor.

“And I don’t love you” he said, harshly. My tears stopped, and shock filled me. How could he be so blunt? So mean? “That’s why this won’t work. I don’t want you to have false hope” He said, lifting my head up to meet his eyes. “That’s why we have to say goodbye” he said. My tears started again, but this time Levi wiped them away. I’d lose him, definitely lose him. There was no stopping it now. He began to move me aside by the shoulders, but I had one more move up my sleeve.

I grabbed his both hands, and held them on to my bare breasts. His eyes widened, but he didn’t try to remove his hands.

“We can make this purely physical” I said, locking eyes with him.

He had agreed to it, and we had been each other’s sexual relief for months. He was beyond incredible in bed but had become bored of my attempts to move our relationship past just physical attraction. A couple of months ago, he had disappeared completely form my life. The last time I had been with him, the cold air of autumn had barely began to unfold, but now all the leaves had fallen and the snows of winter were falling. I had tried many times to get his attention, but all had failed. You can imagine my surprise when he looked for me.

“I was on break from work and decided to go to the nearby Starbucks for a coffee. On my way back, I had put my phone on silent to enjoy the crackling my boots made on the snow. My attention was on the tracks that I had left, and I was focused on following them on the way back, stepping on the trail I had left. When a pair of Calvin Klein Leather Oxfords stood in my way, I didn’t even have to look up to know who it was.

“I was worried something had happened to you” he said, before I could look up.

When I did his eyes were glossy and his nose red. Levi wasn’t prone to the cold, I wondered if he had been crying, but I was most likely wrong.

“I always turn off my phone when I’m on break” I said. He nodded.

“Why are you here, Levi?” I asked him, trying my best not to let my excitement show.

“We both know why” he said, bluntly. Of course I did.

“What time?” I asked.

“Whatever time works for you” he responded.

“I’ll be there after my shift ends, so around eight” I said, and continued walking back to work, abandoning my little game in the process. I practically ran to his apartment after my shift. Of course after running to my own apartment to freshen up, and put on a pair of matching panties and bra. Oliver had given me the new code for Levi’s floor, like he always left it when expecting me. But this time it was paired with a dirty look. I of course ignored it. I had been treated worse, he wasn’t going to ruin my night. When I made it upstairs, Levi was already in is room, waiting for me when I walked in. He still had the same expression as before, and I was tempted to ask if he was alright.

“You look great, as always” he commented. My mind abandoned the question right after.

“Thank you” I said, removing my jacket, to reveal the bright red dress that I had underneath, and the recognizable neckless that rested on my neck.

He watched me with more interest than usual, which was odd, but I wasn’t going to ask. I began to undress myself when he got to his feet, to stop me.

“I’ll do it this time” he said, and my hands began to shake. I nodded.

He began to unzip my dress from the back, slowly, as he did I could hear the heartbeat in my ears. I swallowed, to ease my nerves. When he finished, he let the straps fall over my shoulders, once they did he lowered my bra straps, kissing my naked shoulders. Soon after, my dress fell to the floor, and he was working his way to the back of my bra. He expertly undid it, and let my bra fall to the floor, as well. He didn’t miss a beat to move to my panties. But I stopped him before he could undo his own pants.

 

“Let me do this” I said. After a moment of silence he nodded. I dropped to my knees and unbuttoned his pants, getting hold of both the pants and his underwear as I tugged them down. I was face to face with his dick, as he stepped out of the clothing I thought for a second about what I was about to do,. I had never done this to Levi, but I had never met a man who would object to it. I held his dick up, and wrapped my mouth over the tip, licking it in a circular motion. He let out a small grunt, it was hard to tell if it was out of pleasure or shock, but I would take both. I began to tail my tongue down to his shaft, letting my saliva drip down to it, for a smoother slide.  I was getting low groans from Levi but I knew I could get more. I ambitiously took in his whole dick into my mouth. This time I heard him. I lowered my head down to take him all in until I felt his pubic hair on my nose. I pulled back, and then took him in again, I tried hard not to gag as I began to get a rhythm going, bobbing my head faster. That’s when Levi’s phone rang. I stopped for a second. But he signaled me to keep going.

“Ignore it” he said. I did as ordered and tried to get my rhythm back. But the phone continued to ring. “Let me check who it is” He said, and I pulled away. He walked over to his cellphone, while I wiped the corners of my mouth.

When he flipped his phone, and checked the screen, his eyes widened, Levi actually looked happy?

“Hello” he answered the mystery caller, I could feel how eager he was. He listened to the person on the other line, intensely. I watched his expression change and a sort of light come to his eyes. Who was he speaking to?

“Right now is fine” he said into the phone, his voice held the same tone but with the lining of something else, something I had never heard from him. “Yes, I’ll be waiting” He said, and hung up.

“Who was that?” I asked. He looked at me, and just like that the Levi I was used to was back.

“Someone important” he said, picking up his clothes off the floor,

“He’s coming right now, so we’re going to have to cut this short” he said, putting on his underwear, and then his pants. I remained where I was, and watched him gather my clothes. He held a hand out to me to help me up.

“I can get up on my own” I sneered. I snatched my clothes from his hands and dressed myself. Levi didn’t hesitate to get my jacket, to dismiss me as soon as possible. I fixed my hair as best as I was capable, and Levi walked me to the exit.

“Be safe” he said, and sent me on my way.

The elevator was quiet, only my thoughts and the hum of the elevator kept me company. I kept my eyes low. The walk of shame was something I didn’t pride myself on.  When the elevator dinged, I rose my head up. I wouldn’t give Oliver the pleasure to see me like this. I stepped outside the elevator and noticed he was speaking to someone on the phone. At least I had saved myself from his stupid judgmental stare. I was already out the door, when I bumped into a man walking inside. _Great_. He was tall, and carried himself in a way that seemed familiar. I accidently met the gaze when looking him over.

“Hi” he said, but I was too lost in the ocean that were his eyes to say anything back. I heard footsteps behind me, rushing towards us.

“Eren, that was quick” Levi said, standing next to me, I could smell the fresh cologne off of him. I understood what was going on, now. I understood why he had asked me to leave so suddenly.

“I was nearby” Eren told Levi.

Levi’s attention turned towards me, “Have you two met?” he asked, Eren, referring to me when he did.

“No, we haven’t” he answered.

“This is Petra, Petra this is Eren” Levi said, placing his hand on my back.

“Nice to meet you” Eren said. I began to tremble, How dare he?

“I should be going” I said, and walked passed, Eren, leaving the two with no goodbye.

How dare he humiliate me? How dare he? I didn’t deserve that. I was more than a quick fuck. I deserved more respect. I deserved to be loved. I never understood why the world was against me, why I couldn’t keep anything I cared for.

 

 

 

**Eren**

 

Levi and I stood in the cold, silently gazing at each other. I had told him it was an emergency, and it was. I was supposed to be in my flight to meet Erwin at Miami, but I came here instead. I had packed, and everything, my suitcase was in my trunk as proof. Yet, I ended up here. I admired the view of snowflakes gently decorating Levi, and the way the moonlight danced off his perfect features.

 “Why are you here, Eren?” Levi asked. I had been too distracted by him to notice how long the silence had dragged out.

 

I cleared my throat, and pushed my anxiety away as best as I could, “I’m here because” I paused, how would I get my words in order? How would I express what I had been thinking about for two weeks in a couple of sentences, in a couple of words? I couldn’t.

 Levi noticed my hesitance, “We should go inside” He said, slightly turning his body, about to leave.

I walked the few steps that were between us, and grabbed his wrist, preventing him from leaving. “No” I blurted out. Levi looked back at me, waiting for an explanation. “If I wait any longer, I’ll lose the courage I gained to say this” I said. Levi’s expression didn’t change, but the tension on his wrist did. “I don’t have a clear explanation for what happened on Thanks Giving” I said, using every bit of energy I had to keep my breathing steady.

 “Then forget it happened” he remarked, tugging at his wrist.

I tightened my grip, and exhaled. “Let me finish” I asked. I met his gaze and he relaxed.

“I don’t understand what it is that I felt that night, or what I feel now…”, my voice trailed off, my vision became blurry and my breathing became rough. The panic and anxiety I had been pushing down began to show itself. My mind wondered. I felt myself become smaller, and smaller, until I felt Levi’s free hand fall over my own, tenderly. My eyes focused on his comforting gesture then on him.

I continued, “The day you asked me to end this, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to go on with my life, but now I know that I can’t bear to live a life that you’re not in. And I know you might not feel the same, and that’s alright. But, all I ask is that you let me remain by your side, so I can know what being alive feels like.” My heart beat so rapidly I could hear it, my palms were sweaty, and my breathing was as uneasy as a runner’s who had just ran a marathon.

 “Let go of my wrist” he said, he had probably noticed the sweat, I released his wrist,

 “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“I stampeded, looking away in embarrassment, wiping my hands on my jacket. Once I looked back up, Levi grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me into a surprising embrace.

“You’re a fucking idiot” He whispered into my ear, and I can almost swear I heard his voice crack. But I wouldn’t mention it now, instead, I returned the gesture, holding him by the waist.

“I know I am” I whispered back, burying my head in his shoulder, taking in his the now familiar scent.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not the biggest fan of Petra, let alone the Petra/Levi ship, but if you're like me just wait bear it please. The next Chapter is one that I've been wanting to write for a LONG time. I really want to tell you guys, but I don't want to spoil it. I'll have it up as soon as possible. As always I love you all. PLEASE comment tell me I suck, tell me I don't, but please comment they really make my day. Till next time.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	19. Nuvole Bianche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The amount of time I spent procrastinating on this chapter even surprised me. I just could not get it right. Oh by the way this isn't the Christmas chapter, that will be the next one. But, I've been wanting to write this chapter for a long time. Will any of you catch the reference? 
> 
> P.S. I recommend listening to [this](https://youtu.be/O-HsW142T5g) song while reading, it is indeed the song from this chapter. :)

**Eren**

 

 

I have nothing against winter, or snow, but I was never a fan of frostbite, or freezing to death out in the harsh temperatures either. Yet, here I was standing in a frozen over park, fingers and toes numb, probably already in the middle stages of frost bite. I rubbed my hands together, hoping to warm them up a bit.

“I don’t understand why it is that you love winter so much” I said, to my mom who managed to convince me to bear the harsh temperatures of winter every year.

She looked up at me, grinning “A little cold won’t kill you. I haven’t seen the snow since last year, with Grisha and Grisha isn’t here to see it with me this year. So, I’m very grateful that you brought me out here, and for your company.

“And to answer your question, I love winter because, it was winter when I met my Grisha” she said, looking back at the frozen over park.

“It was Christmas Eve, and I planned to spend it as I always did, staying home and enjoying a good book, under a warm blanket. But, my friends had other plans for that day, and so I was dragged along with them. My friends were nice girls, decent people, but they did have a funny way of killing time. So, I was dragged to a party with them. Everything was so loud, and you could smell the sweat of every single person in there, it was truly disgusting. Not long after arriving I left. I was never the type to do those sort of things. I didn’t tell them I was leaving because I knew I’d be forced to stay. The night was young, and I was already downtown, so I decided to head to the skating rink. I was cutting through a park, it was mostly empty. Halfway through the park I felt as if I was being followed. I looked back and my fears were right, so I began running to get rid of them. Sure enough, I heard footsteps behind me begin to run as well, he was fairly far away so I hid to catch a glimpse of who it was that had the nerve to follow me. Once he caught up, I was already hiding. He was dressed like an old business man, but didn’t look a day over twenty. He had long hair, up to his shoulders, and he wore a pair of the strangest glasses I had ever seen. It was then, while he was wheezing to catch his breath, looking ridiculous that I decided to confront him. I came out, and couldn’t help laughing at the poor man. He looked up at me in horror and embarrassment when I did approach him. The first words I said to him were “You look ridiculous”. Right then he laughed, to be honest I was surprised, the men I had met before him would have yelled at me not to insult them and would have insulted me in return. But he didn’t, he just laughed with me.”

I cut her off, “So he stalked you and you fell for him?” I sarcastically asked. She looked up at me, frowning.

“No of course not” she said

“That was a bit after, now let me finish” she said, looking back to the park that she was so interested in.

“I asked him why he was following me, and I told him it wasn’t nice to chase people. He looked at me surprised when I told him that. “I only ran after you because you started running first.” He said. I told him that was no excuse to chase me, or follow me around, but all he did was smile, which only made me angry. I yelled at him that it wasn’t funny. While I did he handed me my wallet. It turned out I had dropped it and he just wanted to return it, then I was the embarrassed one” She laughed after finishing the last sentence. I rarely saw her laugh anymore so I tried to enjoy the sound for as long as it lasted. When her laughter faded, and a tender smile rested on her face.

“Then what happened?” I asked her. I hated that she still saw my sorry excuse of a father behind rose colored glass, that she couldn’t remember the pain he put us both through. But, I did want her to be happy.

She smiled at my question, “Glad you like my little story” she said.“He asked me where I was headed, I told him that I was headed to a skating rink. He seemed confused, I told him that I knew the owner and he’d let me practice privately. He was quick to tag along. So I let him.”

“Did he also know how to skate?” The question slipped, before I could take it back, she laughed.

“No, he had never skated before. Watching him try to was quite the show though” she said. She held her hand out to catch the snow on her gloves. “That’s why I love winter. And this park” she said, still fixated on the snow on her palm.

“I fell in love with Grisha, in that short amount of time. He made me see the world a way I had never seen it before” She said, looking up at the sky. “The world is a beautiful place.” She said, smiling up to the sky.

“What happened to your figure skating career?” I asked, harshly trying to remind her of at least the bad that that man had brought to her. I expected her to be shocked, but she wasn’t. She kept her eyes on the sky.

“I left it.” She said, simply. “After I became pregnant, I couldn’t continue it.” She placed a hand, tenderly over her empty womb.

“And I’ve never been happier

***

 

“Don’t you hate the cold?” Levi asked me, while we walked down the decorated streets.

I nodded, “Glad you remember, but I came prepared” I said, revealing my pocket warmers, with pride.

“Genius” he sarcastically remarked.

 Levi and I had gone through a rough patch, I almost left the country running away from it. And Levi dealt with it in a different manner. Whatever happened, it passed, and we decided to try to take this slow. We hadn’t spoken about Erwin, Levi hadn’t brought it up, and I wasn’t too crazy to either. 

“If you keep making that face it’ll stay that way” Levi said, poking my cheek.

I blinked, and tried to relax my face, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking” I apologized, a bit embarrassed.

“What about?” He asked. His words were quick to throw me off, and my face felt hot almost instantly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” he said, looking at me.

“I was thinking about us” I blurted out, I didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable around each other. I’d want to know what he thinks about as well. “…and our future” I added, shyly.

 His lips curved up slightly “Is that so?” he asked. I nodded. “I think about us, too” he admitted.

“Really?” I asked, not being able to hide my painfully more obvious smile. He walked beside me, hooking his arm with mine.

“Really” he answered, and began walking again, tugging me along with him. I was blissfully gone, I let Levi guide me as I enjoyed just having him close. “Where are we even going?” he asked me. Oh right, I was the one that invited him out. I pulled myself out from my bliss and took the lead.

We walked in the cold for about half an hour, before locating the familiar building, and after getting lost a couple of times, but Levi doesn’t know that part.

We walked into the beige building, me leading the way. When I got the chance I looked over at Levi, he looked around the building, probably wondering what we were doing here. I stopped, before entering the rink.

“Wait here” I said. I walked into the room and fetched our skates. I walked back, and handed Levi his pair, he looked questionably at them.

“Ice skating?” he asked.

I nodded.

“How are we even in here this late at night?” he asked.

“The owner is an old family friend” I answered.

It had been a while since I had even stepped foot on ice, I hoped that I didn’t make a fool of myself. Levi got his Skates on before me and waited for me by the rink.

When I finished, I joined him, He looked over the empty rink as if lost in it. Was this his first time skating? Was he nervous? I examined his face, his expression gave me zero clues. If this was his first time, I could help him learn. I can hold on to him like couples do! My imagination got the best of me and I started to imagine Levi holding on to me desperately trying not to fall, and myself holding on to his precious hands making sure he didn’t.

“Are you just going to stand there he whole time?” Levi called, already removing his blade guards.

“Levi you shouldn’t get on the ice alone if you’ve never skated before” I called rushing to him, but I was too late. He was already swiftly gliding on the ice. I watched him as I removed my own blade guards.

I stepped on the ice, but all I could do was stand there watching him as he moved his body with easy strokes on the ice, he built momentum, and he raised his right leg off the ice, standing only on his left. He gracefully lifted his arms in the air, as he held his right leg high in the air. Soon after he lowered his leg back down to the ice. He began to skate in the opposite direction with ease, guiding his left foot in front of his right. He rotated his upper body slightly to the left, and suddenly took off in the opposite direction spinning into the air, crossing his arms over his chest as he spun. I was mesmerized at the elegance and the perfection of the spin. He looked like a complete natural, while all I could do was watch. He neatly landed on his right foot, as he circled, his left remained in the air, and moved in a same direction until his leg hovered behind him. His arms also remained, open in the air until he finished his small performance. Once he did, his eyes searched for me, when they met, he began to skate towards me. His hair had gotten messy, but his facial expression was somehow different.

“You look surprised” he said, once in front of me.

“Really? I didn’t think it was that _obvious”_ I answered, sarcastically. “Where did you learn to skate like that?” I added.

“A friend taught me” he answered, resting his hands on the rail. He must have gotten tired.

“You have friends?” I joked.

He gave me a look, but smiled after “Our personalities are very different, but we even share a birthday” he said.

“Oh really? When is your birthday?” I asked him, moving next to him on the rail.

“Same day as Christmas” he said.

“Oh” I responded, not making much of the response. But then it hit me.

“Christmas is in two days!” I practically yelled into his ear.

“Yeah, and if you keep yelling at me like that I’m going to go deaf, so what’s your point?”

“Why didn’t you tell me your birthday was coming up?!” I said in a softer tone, but not really.

“Because I don’t celebrate my birthday” he said, in his most Levi way possible. He pushed himself off the railing, and turned to face me.

“Don’t worry about that right now.” He said, reaching his hand towards mine. His hand was warm, and inviting. He smiled at me, and reached into his pocket with his free hand. “There’s something I actually always wanted to do” he chuckled, unlocking his phone and searching for something in it. “Found it” he whispered to himself, after a moment. He looked back at me from his screen.  He smiled, and the piano began playing from his phone. The tune was familiar, and I frowned. Where had I heard it? “You heard it not too long ago in the car…on Thanks Giving” he said, reading my mind. A woman’s voice began to sing in Italian along with the notes. “It’s a bit different though” he added, as she continued to sing. “It’s my favorite version” he said, and skated backwards pulling me along with him, and saving his phone into his pocket. The music continued, a bit muffled but just as magnificent. He reached for my waist with his now free hand, the position was a bit awkward considering his shorter stance, but I didn’t mind. I rested my free hand on his shoulder, and we skated along the ice, to the music that played in the background.

“What song is this?” I asked, when he released my waist and spun me.

“Do you like it?” He asked.

“I do, I have no idea what she’s saying, but it seems…appropriate” I said, once his hand was resting on the small of my back.

 He grinned, “It’s called Nuvole Bianche”. Everything seemed perfect, but a question still flowed in my mind, it bothered me. I had to say something.

“Levi…about Erwin-“ I decided to ask, but was cut off.

“No.” he said, in his old stern tone. “It’s only us right now. It’s our moment and no one else’s, lets focus on...this” he added, his tone warmer, and less bitter. I relaxed after that, and nodded in agreement.

We skated, the music was the only sound on the rink. I was surprised we hadn’t tripped, considering our eyes were only on each other the entire time.  The notes began to slow down, and the woman did as well.  Something in Levi’s eye’s sparkled, and then his face became serious. 

“Let me lift you” he unexpectedly said. Lift me? I wanted to say no, that I’d most likely crush him. That he was too small, and that I wasn’t very light. But, looking at him and the determination in his eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. So, I nodded. The woman sang in between notes as the song slowed, but sped up and then the piano was the only thing playing, that’s when Levi lifted me in the air by the waist. I hadn’t even noticed that he had positioned his hands. He spun me in the air, a couple of times, I tried my best to remain as still as possible. The woman joined the music in a higher tempo halfway through our spins, but later her voice disappeared once again. All that was left was the piano, you could tell it was the end of the song. I could fell the piano’s notes saying a farewell, soon to join the voice of the woman. Once the music ceased, Levi returned me to the ice, and all I could hear now was his rough breathing.

“You’re not very light” he, huffed, and I couldn’t help laughing. He smiled and joined me. Our laughter was sincere, and perfect for that moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anymore catch the reference? Here is a hint: Levi is friends with this specific Character. It was slight, and simple. If not, there will be another one next chapter. I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Let me know if you guys liked my little reference, and if you'd like more. As always I love you all, and comment por favor especially if you caught the reference!  
> Till next time:)  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	20. A Christmas for four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, only I'd write a Christmas Chapter this close to Valentines day. This chapter came out a bit different than what I had planned, it also came out longer. I hope you guys enjoy it!

**Mikasa**

 

“I don’t understand Eren” I said, grimly walking towards the small worn out sofa. I sat down the bowl of popcorn on the table, and sat in my usual spot. Armin followed, along with the drinks in hand and sat to my left. I turned to my attention to the right to Eren’s vacant seat.

“He missed movie night, last week and now he’s not here for Christmas” I said, resting my hand down on the cushion.

“He wanted to spend some time with Levi, he’ll be here next time. It’s no big deal”

My head snapped to face Armin.

“ _No big deal?”_ I mockingly repeated his words. “How can you say that?” He quickly got to his feet, and retreated away from me, holding his hands up in defense, as if I’d hurt him.

“I’ll just get some more snacks” He said, backing away from me.

He didn’t understand. I gently reached for the red scarf that wrapped around my neck, creasing the soft fabric. No one did.

 

I was a freshman in high school when I first met Eren, it wasn’t in the gallery as Armin and everyone else thought I did I doubt even Eren remembered me. I was new, not only to that particular High School but to any school in general. I had been homeschooled by my parents my entire life, I didn’t know what a classroom was, I didn’t know about ‘friends’, or about the horrors that dwelled inside the school’s walls. Being new was hard enough for me, but having my luck, I ended up being targeted and harassed by a bunch of students that found me odd. I wasn’t used to criticism let alone insults, I was quickly cornered and soon the abuse became not only verbal but physical. The girl with the rat face began pulling one of my pigtails calling me a “Fat bitch”. Another, began pushing me and calling me an “Ugly Hippo”. The corner I was in became loud with insults and murmuring about my physical appearance. The blows that they gave me hurt less than the insults that rang in my ears.

“Stacy, shouldn’t you being sucking someone’s dick, instead of bullying a freshmen?” The voice that spoke in the middle of all the chaos was a boy’s, it wasn’t one that I recognized but of course I didn’t know anyone. The girl with the rat face turned to look for the source of the voice, once she found it she spoke.

“I could say the same to you, Eren. Shouldn’t you be day dreaming about sucking off my boyfriend instead of butting into my business?”

Eren chuckled, “How long have you waited to say that one?”

Stacy clenched her jaw, “Too long” she hissed.

“Then, I advise you take your anger out on the person that made you angry rather than on an innocent freshmen” He said with a hint of laughter tracing his words.

Stacy turned to look at me, her eyes were glossy. She looked in the brink of tears, she pushed me off one last time, sucking on her teeth, and began to walk away. As she did, her group of friends followed close behind, each one of them looking as confused as I felt. She glared at Eren as she disappeared into the hallway. Once she was gone, I turned to look at the boy that had saved me, but he was already walking away.

“Hey!” I called to him. But, he continued walking. I sped to catch up to him, and he didn’t say anything when I did. The two of us walked in silence for a bit until I spoke again.

“Thank you for that” I said. Eren didn’t seem to care, though. I couldn’t tell his expression because of his long brown hair covering half of his face.

“I’m just glad they left you alone” he said, his voice was different than what it was when he was speaking to Stacy. It was soft, and calm, almost sweet. I nodded at his words, and he smiled.

“You told them off good, Stacy was about to cry” I said happily.

“I don’t think it was because of what I said, though” he looked down at the floor his expression turning serious.

“Then was it what she said?” Having no social skills, I dared to ask. Eren stiffened for a moment but soon relaxed. He looked at me about to say something, but instead removed the red scarf that was wrapped loosely around his neck. He then removed the scarf that I had forgotten I had also worn.

“They ruined yours” he said, replacing the spot my scarf had held with his own.

“They’re just a bunch of bitches, they like rumors” he said, not really answering my pervious question, and forcing a smile.

“Don’t worry too much about it”.

 

At the time I had no clue who Eren Jaeger was, but soon after a couple weeks in school I quickly learned about the mysterious boy and the reputation that followed. Eren was fifteen and a sophomore, last year a rumor had spread that Eren was gay and that he was obsessed with Stacy’s boyfriend, Jean. The rumor went deeper and became even more ridiculous the more people spoke about it. It was a stupid rumor, so if he was gay? And I much doubted he was obsessed with this Jean guy. He wasn’t much to begin with, in my eyes he looked like a damn horse. Eren didn’t speak to me after the day he had defended me, so I didn’t speak to him. Though, I did watch him from a distance. His routine was simple, school and then straight home, no clubs, no friends, nothing. I wanted to become his friend, but I didn’t want to force him into a friendship, so I kept things as they were. Instead, I watched him complete his routine over and over again, until one day he didn’t.  He was late for lunch. I watched the doors expecting him to walk in, but he didn’t. Just as the period was ending, I set off to look for my sort of friend. I rushed through the halls, I peeked into each classroom looking for any trace of him, until I found him. He was cornered exactly where I had been a couple of months prior. This time it wasn’t a group of teenage girls surrounding the corner, but fully grown seniors. They stood over Eren, their eyes looking him up and down, their mouths drooling.

“I heard you’re good with your mouth” one of them said to Eren. Eren didn’t say anything.

“Heard you moan just like a girl” the biggest one said, grabbing Eren’s face in his big hand. Eren fought back, trying to pull away, but failed. I clenched my fists, I didn’t want them hurting my dear friend, and I didn’t want them insulting him.

“Nah, he only does those things with Jean” one laughed. Something in Eren seemed to snap and he glared at him.

“Fuck you” he said, and spat at the one that still had his face in his grasp.

He cleaned off the spit, “You little shit” he said, and punched Eren on the face. My heart dropped. Eren fell to the ground, and the big one kicked him. Anger welled inside of me as I watched in horror, I had to do something. I had to stop them. But, all I did was watch as the big one continued to stomp on Eren. I felt uneasy, I wanted to hit each one of them with a car, I wanted to stop them. They all spat at Eren, and helped crush his unmoving body.

Before I could work up the courage to stop them, someone beat me to it.

“You fucking assholes!” the voice yelled, getting louder as it approached us. The three of them turned, and fear overcame their faces. They didn’t second think at all and ran. Their footsteps soon faded and the ones of Eren’s savior became clearer. I watched his back, as he looked down at Eren, what did he plan to do? Who was he? He keeled down and picked up Eren. As he turned I could finally see his face. It was Jean. He looked down at Eren, as he held him in his arms, the look that he had as he did was one that I did not understand. His mouth was curved up into a tender smile, but his eyes were the same as the eyes one would see in a horror movie, they were cold and sinister.

Since that day, Eren and Jean had become a couple. I never knew what became of them, I transferred schools shortly after their relationship started. I regretted not saving Eren from those idiots every day of my life, wondering what could have been. And now I hated myself completely for it. Because after reading Eren’s book proposal I knew now what happened after I left, and I’ll never know of the happy Eren that he could have been if I would have saved him, or if I would have stayed.

 

Before I could pity myself any longer I felt a wet, sticky finger tap the tip of my nose, and a “boop” followed. I looked down at the finger then at the owner of the mucky finger. Sasha stared back at me, her mouth chewing a candy bar that she held with her free hand. She smiled at me, her teeth covered in the gooey chocolate.

“Hi, Sasha” I pushed away her finger and tried to smile.

“Hey, glad you’re alive!” she said, through her mouth full of chocolate.

“You weren’t moving for so long, I wasn’t sure if you were alive” she reached for a soda, opening the can with ease, and drinking the whole can. She slammed the can on the table,

“Refreshing!” she yelled, and crushed the can on the poor table.

“Pfft, weak!” Connie’s voice called from behind both of us. Sasha and I both turned,

He held his own drink in his hand, he opened and chugged the contents as Sasha had, but instead of crushing the can on the table he smashed the can against his skull. The can crunched in defeat, and it fell to the ground.

“T-that’s how you do it!” he said, trying not to tip over.

“Maybe the can one that one” I pointed out. Sasha burst into laughter, holding her sides as she continued, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

“It wasn’t that funny!” Connie yelled at the hysterical Sasha.

Connie sucked on his teeth and crossed his arms over his chest, “You’re so childish” he said to Sasha. I almost laughed that time.

“You should be more serious, like Mikasa and me” I hadn’t even noticed that he had gotten close enough to throw his arm over my shoulders.

“Mikasa and I” I corrected him. His face became expressionless.

“Way to kill the moment”

Sasha laughed harder after that.

“Now, that wasn’t even funny!” Connie said pointing a finger at Sasha.

“What’s so funny?” Armin asked, walking towards us.

“Nothing, Sasha’s just being a butt brain” Connie said, sticking his tongue out at her.

“Hey! You’re a butt brain!” Sasha yelled, returning the gesture.

“That’s enough you two” Armin, said chuckling nervously, Connie and Sasha still sticking their tongues out at each other.

Sasha stood up in a rush, “I just remembered!” she exclaimed.

“Your next art show is in a week!”

The room was quiet for a while, seemed I wasn’t the only one that was surprised Sasha had remembered.

“Wow Sasha, I can’t believe you remembered. Mikasa told us almost three months ago” Connie pointed out what we were all thinking.

“Of course I remembered! Free food, duh!” Connie laughed, and Armin forced a smile, and sent me an apologetic look. Sasha looked at Connie, then at Armin, and lastly at me, processing what she had done. A blush came over her cheeks.

“T-that’s not what I meant M-Mikasa” she turned to me but didn’t look directly at me.

“Y-you know I love your art, f-food is just a plus” she added giggling at the awkward situation,

“Don’t worry about it” I smiled, assuring her that I was not hurt.

Her mood changed almost as quickly as she finished a pie, the red of her cheeks faded and she was back to her giggly self.

“By the way have you thought about what I mentioned on your last show?” she asked, digging her fists into the popcorn. I gave her a questionable look.

“About me being your model” she said her mouth full of popcorn, her cheeks shiny from the butter.

Before I could answer Connie chimed in, “Ha! I would so be a better model!” Connie started to flex, or try to at least. Sasha muttered something, but the popcorn stopped her from making any sense.

“English, Sasha” Connie teased.

“I said, that I’d just get Levi Ackerman to defend my modeling career from you!” she said after swallowing her popcorn. Connie went white, and shivered.

“Don’t even say that! I still get nightmares about him” he said hugging himself.

“Speaking of, why don’t you invite him, Mikasa?” Armin said. I looked at Armin, trying to read his facial expression, not sure if he was joking. Connie and Sasha were quiet, so I assumed not.

“Are you serious?” I asked him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Armin, I don’t _like_ him”

“Not anymore, but you used to like his novels”

“You said it yourself, _used to_ , as in not anymore”

“Why not? Because of Eren?”

“Don’t bring him into this” I warned him, my voice getting increasingly close to a growl, I tried to pull back my tone.

“Why not? It’s true, you hate Levi because Eren is with him”

“That’s not true!” I yelled, my voice passing a growl.

“You should be happy for him. He finally found someone that lets him _live_ instead of just survive.”

His last sentence hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right, Eren was better, he smiled more often, he had gotten rid of the shadow of sadness that hung over him for so long, and he carried a sort of glow to him now, things he never had when Erwin was around. Eren was better now, and Levi Ackerman had done that, not me.

“Invite him then” I said calmly, Armin seemed shocked but I paid no attention to it.

Levi had done what I couldn’t do years ago, he had saved Eren. For that, I was thankful, but that didn’t mean I trusted or liked him yet.

 

 

**Petra**

Christmas time was always depressing to me, I had no family and no jolly, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t make the best of each year. Last year, I couldn’t even afford a decent pair of shoes, and relied on the company of the people in the soup kitchen, and this year I was lying in bed with a golden haired god. I met him a months ago, our relationship was a bit different before. I knew he was married, he had made that extremely clear, but the fruition of our little fling couldn’t be stopped with just a piece a paper. It began before Levi had begun to act strangely, and Levi knew nothing about it. I thought about what he would think of me if he found out. Would he think of me as a slut? I knew it wasn’t cheating, he and I had no sort of relationship, but I always did care too much what others thought of me especially Levi. His name was Erwin, and He came into my life like a sort of ray of hope? No, that’s too cheesy. He was just here for a “Fun time” as he put it. We met up often after Levi’s calls had stopped.

“I still can’t believe he just ditched me in Miami. I planned the whole thing for him and he didn’t have the fucking decency to show up. He didn’t even bother calling to let me know he wasn’t coming, he sent a text, a fucking text!” He had been complaining since he had gotten here. I didn’t get much of an explanation, he didn’t like sharing his personal life with me, I didn’t even know his husband’s name, but he sure did like rambling on about his problems.

“He probably went off to fuck that loser author” he continued, I do admit I did get curious at times, but I didn’t bother asking. I’d already know the answer.

“What author?” I asked, maybe I’d get lucky.

“None of your business, that author” He answered. Well, it didn’t hurt to try.

“Okay” I responded not making much of his answer, or attitude.

“I didn’t mean to be rude” He sighed, pulling my still sweaty body closer to his. This was new, he had never apologized before. I laid my head on his bare chest, while he stroked my hair. His hand fiddled with my hair, almost playfully. This felt different. I was used to physical contact, to a certain extent. I’d have sex and leave at that, never had I ‘cuddled’ or ‘spooned’ with anyone. It felt odd, having Erwin be the first to treat me like anything more than “A fun time”. To be honest I even felt a bit embarrassed, I was so unsure on how to react, that I just laid in silence.

“You know, sometimes I wonder if you’re more suitable for me than he is”

Was he joking? I felt my heartrate speed up, and my face felt hot. Was he saying this to mess with me? Or…maybe, just maybe he meant it. Maybe Levi wasn’t right for me, maybe Erwin was more suitable, and maybe he would leave his husband for me? Maybe he had fallen for me?

“But what is done is done” he added, suddenly kissing me on the forehead. I didn’t understand what his reason for the sudden affection was, but I was enjoying it.

 

 

**Levi**

“This is unnecessary.  You should be with your friends, enjoying Christmas, not here with me, making a mess.” I told Eren while he made himself comfortable in my kitchen.

“They’ll understand that you need me more” he said, opening the oven.

“Oh? And what is that supposed to mean? That I can’t take care of myself?”

He noticed my change in attitude quickly, “No, what I mean is that our first Christmas, and your Birthday should be special”

I tched at his stupid response, I didn’t remember him being good with words.

“Have you at least wished your mom a merry Christmas?” I asked, as he stuffed the oven with uncooked food.

“Of course” he said, giving me a side glance then a smile “Be careful, Levi your emotions are showing”.

“Fuck you”

“Calm down, I’m just teasing”

“Well stop. It’s not cute, it’s annoying”

“Really? I thought it was pretty cute”

“Not the first time you’re wrong”

He laughed, “Guess not”.

He finished shoving food into my oven and turned to face me.

“Actually, before we eat. I have a little present for you” he said smiling like an idiot, but a fairly cute idiot.

“I thought we agreed not to get Christmas gifts?”

“Well, this is your Birthday present to it doesn’t count” He said, grabbing my hand, “Close your eyes” He said, I rolled my eyes at his request, but complied.

“First you have to promise not to be mad” He said. I frowned, but kept my eyes closed. What did he have planned? First he made me help him prepare all this food, then he took me on an hour long walk in the cold. What could he possibly have done?

“Promise?” he asked. I hesitantly nodded.

“Okay” he said, leading me through my apartment. He walked out of the kitchen to the living room. Right after stepping out of the kitchen the smell of pine hit me, and the loud sound of crackling wood burning in my fire place, a fire place that I hadn’t used once.

“Okay…you can open them”

When I did, I can’t say I wasn’t surprised to see what was in front of me. The room was dim, all the lights were off, and the only source of light came from the red flames in the fire place, and the city lights that peeked in through the picture windows. In that dim light in the center, a dark grand piano shined, the red light dancing off its glossy surface. Next to the piano was the only other piece of furniture, my small lover’s seat.

“This isn’t very small”, I joked.

He chucked, “I’m sorry we couldn’t find a Christmas tree”.

“We?” I asked. Who would have helped break into my apartment, and sneak in a big ass grand piano?

“Hanji helped” he answered. Of course.

Eren walked towards the Grand Piano getting something off of the stool on the other side of it.

“We couldn’t find a tree this short notice, so we kind of improvised” he said, placing a miniature sized tree on top of the piano, looking down at it in disappointment. I couldn’t help smiling, I walked towards him, lifting his chin up to meet my eyes before I spoke,

“It’s perfect” I assured him. Before I could add anything, he pulled me into his arms, wrapping his arms over my shoulders, I both hated and loved how much taller he was than me.

“I’m so glad you like it” he said.

“Why wouldn’t I?” I asked.

“I don’t know, I was just really worried you wouldn’t”

“I love it, so don’t worry about it” I said.

He pulled away from me, but held on to my shoulders, “Do you really love it?” he asked very sternly.

“I wouldn’t lie to you” I told him, his expression relaxed and he dropped his hands from my shoulders.

“I’m relieved” he said, exhaling.

He was worried I wouldn’t like it. He cared what I thought. He got me a fucking grand piano. I looked over at the piano, analyzing it. It looked intimidating, it reminded me of the past, and that made me nervous. I looked back at Eren, he had caught me looking at my gift. I wondered if my facial expression gave away my nervousness. I smiled at him, and took out my phone.

“How’s about we take a picture?” I asked him, before he could get a chance to ask me anything I knew I wouldn’t want to answer. He smiled, and nodded. We turned our backs to the decorated living room, pressed together, I angled the phone for the camera to catch the arrangement, including the small tree that rested on the piano. Once I found the sweet spot, Eren smiled, and as I was about to catch the moment I couldn’t. Something was missing. When I didn’t snap the picture, Eren looked at me, confused.

“What’s wrong? Why didn’t you take it?” He asked me. He spoke and I heard him, but I couldn’t quite focus on the words. Instead I looked into his eyes. They looked different in this light. They looked red? No, that was because of the fire place. I looked at the red of the flames swirl around in his ocean colored eyes, it looked almost like fight.

“Levi?” Eren called, I looked away from the war that was going on in his eyes and looked at his gorgeous face. He had leaned down and gotten closer to my face.  He still looked worried, god was he beautiful. I couldn’t help myself and closed the distance between each other, pressing my lips over his. Then, I took the picture. That was what was missing. The kiss didn’t last, Eren had cut the kiss short.

“How’d it come out?” he asked. It took me a minute to figure out what he meant. But when I did, I handed him my phone. He admired the picture for a moment,

“At least my eyes aren’t open” he said.

“You caught me by surprise” he added.

“Sorry about that” I said, handing me my phone back. I looked over my masterpiece. It was perfect.

“Viktor is going to be so jealous” I said, sending him the picture.

“Viktor?” Eren asked.

“Viktor is my friend, the figure skater that I told you about. Earlier, he showed off his engagement ring, to piss me off. Thought I’d get even”

“How would that be getting even?”

“He likes to rub things in my face, lately he’s been sending me non-stop pictures of his fiancé. I tell him that I don’t care for them, and that he’s ridiculous for sending them, but the pictures won’t stop. So, I’ve decided to do the same to teach him a lesson”, I sighed I really hoped the pictures would stop. “Sometimes I wonder if he’s worse than Hanji.”

“Levi, I don’t think he’s trying to annoy you, at least not purposely”

“What? What other reason would he send me all those cheesy pictures?”

“I think he just wants to show off his fiancé, because he loves him”

“But why to me, specifically?”

“Because you’re his friend?”

 I paused for a moment, it made sense, sure. But, that didn’t change the fact that he annoyed me.

“I’m still getting him back” I said.

“You do what you have to” Eren laughed, walking over to the lonely loveseat.

“For now, I think we should just relax” He added, sitting down.

“And you should join me” he said, patting the spot next to him.

“Can’t argue with you there” I said, walking over to take my seat next to him.

When I sat down, he cozied up next to me, resting his head on my shoulder.

“This is nice” he said, finding my hand and weaving our fingers together.

“But, you know how it would be nicer?” He asked.

“How?”

“If you played your piano, and set the mood” he said, almost seductively, but that could have been my imagination. I didn’t want to let him down by not playing the piano for him, but I also couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I couldn’t. I was stuck in between.

“I-“

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to” he cut me off, nuzzling my neck. I just nodded, I was glad he understood.

I suppose he didn’t need mood setting after all, because his nuzzling soon became kisses. He traced, tender kisses along my neck and jawline, and I tried my best not to pay much attention to it, but then he licked my earlobe, oh so seductively. Something I would have found absolutely revolting, but for some reason did the job for me. So, I did what any sane person would do, I pinned his horny ass down, on the loveseat, holding on to his wrists over his head.

“You’re tempting me” I warned him.

“Maybe that was the point” He said, alluringly, biting his lower lip.

“Are you sure?” I asked, letting his wrists go.

“I’m positive” He said, pulling me down by my neck, onto his lips. I might have been on top, but he was the one leading, his lips played with mine for a bit, but the kiss soon turned into something more lustful. He, parted his lips, inviting me in the middle of it. I gladly took the invitation. Our tongues mingled together, Eren still in the lead. While we kissed, he had unbuttoned my jeans, and made himself at home, sliding his hand inside. He firmly, grabbed my dick in his, warm hand, and he got quick response. I was already hard when he began stoking my shaft, his fist moving up and down. He sped up the longer he did, and began twisting his hand once he’d move down. Our kiss came to an end, when I had to let out a much deserved moan. When we opened our eyes, I could see a sort of hunger and pleasure in his. The only point he let go of my dick was to pull off my jeans, then he worked with both his hands.

“Do you have a condom?” He whispered into my ear, while he fondled with my balls in one of his hands, and used the other to stroke the base of my shaft.

I shook my head, “Not with me” I added, my voice so low it was almost unrecognizable.

“I’ll go get it” I offered, he nodded, setting my dick and balls free.

I went to get the condom, and on my way back I had gotten my iPod, having sex with music was always great. Of course only if it was to the right song. I looked through the iPod, and found the perfect one. I connected the iPod to my stereo and took the remote with me back to Eren.

“What’s that for?” he asked, pointing at the remote.

“To set the mood” I answered, and pressed play. Ursine Vulpine’s cover of _Wicked game_ started to play. I looked at Eren for a reaction, but it wasn’t what I expected at all. He was sitting up, looking down at the floor, his pupils dilated. Was he scared? I walked over to him,

“Eren?” I called. No response.

“Eren” I called again, placing my hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!” He yelled, slapping my hand away, and moving away from me.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!” he yelled. I didn’t understand what was wrong with him, why had he suddenly changed? Why did he seem so terrified?

“It hurts…it hurts” he cried on the edge of the loveseat, holding on to his head.

“What hurts? Eren, please” I said, walking towards him.

“Stay away!” he yelled, pushing himself up on the loveseat.

“Don’t come near me!” He said, holding on to his knees. He buried his face in his knees, and wrapped his arms around himself, “Everything hurts...” He whispered.

“Eren, try to calm down” I said, trying to help somehow. But he only whispered and not loud enough for me to understand.

 

“P-please turn it off… please” was all I caught. When I did the only sound left now, was Eren’s sobs. I didn’t want to upset him again so I kept my distance, I felt useless, that I couldn’t console him, that I couldn’t him _help_ him.

 

**Eren**

 

I felt dirty, I felt the scars on my body burn as if they were fresh, and I felt the crippling fear tear down my reality. I wasn’t with Levi anymore, I was in one of my nightmares, the ones I prayed I’d never remember. I could smell the cheap booze and sweat of the man that haunted me, in my dreams, the song that played in the background when he turned off his cigarette on my bare skin, or the slices he’d add to by legs when I’d close my eyes to avoid his dark disgusting gaze, when he laid on top of me and the sickening smile he’d have on every time.

The song suddenly stopped.

All I could hear now was my weeping. The song was no longer playing but the feeling wouldn’t go away, I was still there, trapped, and alone. I couldn’t stop my tears from rolling down my checks, I couldn’t stop my whole body from shaking. I would was going to die. I was already dying. No one was going to save me.

The piano began playing a familiar tune, taking over the sound of my cries. It was a tone I knew very well now, a tune I had listened on replay in the last few days, one that was dedicated to me a few days ago.

 

**Levi**

 

I didn’t know how to help Eren, I couldn’t touch him to comfort him, I couldn’t say a single word to him without him yelling, but just watching him wasn’t an option. My fingers trembled when I began playing the notes, but now was no time to go panicking. I peeked up to check on Eren, he was still on the same spot, in the same position. Just playing the piano alone was enough to mess with me, what else could I do?

Why was I asking? I knew what else I could do. I swallowed down as much anxiety as I could, and sang the lyrics I had memorized.

_Sine lassala tumire_

_iddhra moi nu ppo capire_

_None tie nu nni parlare_

_Ca nu ssente cchiui ‘stu core_

_Ientu puru tie nu ddire_

_Iddhra moi nu ppo capire_

I looked up again, and noticed Eren’s weeping had stopped. It was working, he was recovering.

_Torme torme e nu bbole_

_Nu nni piace cchi ‘stu core_

_Quattru ienti e ieu su sula_

_Note mie senza furtuna_

_Lassala turmire ancora_

_Lassala cu mmore mprima_

_St’ anima senza l’ amore_

_None tie nu nni lu tare_

_Turse tiempu nu parlare_

_Passa tiempu e nu nni tire_

 I continued playing the notes while looking over at Eren, his face was still buried, but his shaking had stopped, he was listening. Please look at me, I won’t hurt you, I wanted to tell him.

_Tantu tie sai_

_Quiddaru ca ulia_

_Cu succeed a nui_

_Cu te sentu ‘ncora qquai_

_Sulu se uei_

_Nina se nci stai_

_Cu ttuerni cu mie_

The song was flowing smoothly from my finger tips to the keys, until I missed a note. When I did, my fingers twitched in response. Messing up right before I got to the solo. I knew this was impossible. I knew I’d fuck up. I was stupid to think that I’d help. I was stupid to assume that it’d be alright. For some reason my fingers continued playing off tune, and I continued to sing.

_E tie se uei lu core miu stae qquai_

_Basta cu cchiuti l’ecchi e poi_

_Iti lu ttruei_

It was all off, it was becoming embarrassing. I wasn’t playing a song anymore, it was gibberish now. I was becoming irritated. My mind was blank, I couldn’t recover the notes that I had memorized for years. I was useless.

 _“Fuck”_ I said in place of the next lyrics _. What was the next lyrics?_

 _“Fucking shit!”_ My mind had erased the lyrics as well. Now I was just playing garbage, now I wasn’t making a fool of myself, it was too late for that. Now this was just sad.

I forced myself to stop playing, and stared down at the tiles that had tricked me. Fucking assholes. No, it wasn’t the piano’s fault.

I clenched my fists, and glared at the useless excuses I had for hands.

When I finally looked up at Eren, his bloodshot eyes were finally looking at me. He had that worried look in his face. It was just like me to make him worry about me instead of cheering him up.

“I guess we’re both fucked up” I chuckled, trying to play off my screw up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was that, When I thought of a Christmas Chapter I did not expect to write this. I want to settle a official date for my updates, I can't promise anything, but I hope to update soon.  
> Please Comment and leave Kudos! They always make my day. And if you really liked it bookmark. As always I love you guys and appreciate each and everyone of you. 
> 
> Okay Change in plans the updates will be irregular for now, until I find that sweet spot. Where I can update and still have a decent chapter. Update will come soon. No later than 2 weeks.  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


	21. The color red and Eren's happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I have news. I was recently rereading my previous chapters and let me tell you I was not happy with them. I have since then re-edited them, and they have been posted. There has not been any major changes, overall. Though, I do recommend rereading at least the first chapter. It's completely up to you whether you reread the rest. If you do not the plot will still make perfect sense  
> The edit took place in: 2/25/17 on chapters 1-20. So, if you have read the previous chapters before that date, I do urge you to reread them. You wont regret it, they are much more detailed. :)  
> Now, for this chapter...  
> This baby actually took me three days to finish. The only change that might be confusing, is that Levi now lives in a penthouse apartment. I thought it'd be fun to make his wealth a bit more obvious. I hope you all like it :)

**Mikasa**

 

When someone thinks of an artist, they nine out of ten times think unemployed, or unsuccessful. As an artist, I’ve had ups and downs in the past. But, today I would be lucky enough to finally be hosting an art show, _specifically_ for my art. The whole gallery would be filled with _my_ art pieces, and mine only. To achieve this was far from easy. Many gallery owners that I had encountered were the opposite of professional, assuming I’d do anything to have even a single piece featured in their next show. For a long time it felt as if I’d never be taken seriously, it felt as if I’d always just be treated as a girl with silly dreams. The first time I was actually given a chance to even appear in an art show, was because of a close friend that I had gone to college with. She hosted a nonprofit gallery for aspiring artists. Which also meant that not many people would show, and it would be even less likely that someone would purchase anything. I was just happy showing off my piece. It was my favorite one, I had called it ‘RED’, and my inspiration had been the red scarf that had been gifted to be a long time ago. Funny enough I wore it that same day. I stood closely by my display, waiting for any questions, or just to watch people’s reactions. A lot of people just walked passed the oil painting, others would nod at it and make their way passed it, and a few stood for a moment and admired the canvas, but only one person asked about it.

He was walking alone, his hands were tucked away in the pockets of his trousers, and his eyes wondered the gallery walls. I didn’t recognize him at first, because his shabby long locks had been chopped off, and he finally carried a smile with him, but I did when I caught glimpse of his eyes. Those eyes were unforgettable. When his eyes met mine, he walked towards me. My heart was in my throat and I couldn’t remember where I was. Did he recognize me? I was wearing _his_ scarf, but I had also changed quite a bit. I thought about running away, for two seconds, but that wasn’t who I was. I stood my ground, and waited.

“Hey” he smiled at me.

“Hello” I said, probably too seriously. Had I come off as mean?

He smiled again, and then looked over at the canvas that was hung up next to me. The one I had painted thinking about him. He narrowed his eyes at it, moving from left to right to up and down. What was he doing? It took me a moment to realize he was following the strokes. When he finished he raised his eyebrows, “Wow” he said, and turned to me “I bet I’m too late to buy this one” he said, pointing at the piece. I still wasn’t sure what he had done. It was like he had read the oil painting, like a book.

 Despite my confusion, I still answered, “Actually, you’re the first to even bring it up”

“Are you serious?” he asked, taking both his hands out of his pockets, and running one through his short brunette hair. I assumed he was shocked. I nodded.

He shook his head, baffled at my answer. He reached into his inner jacket pocket, searching for something. “Honestly, some people just can’t appreciate true beauty” he huffed under his breath “Idiots” he muttered, taking out his check book.

“I’m going to buy it, show all these idiots how badly they fucked up!” he announced, almost angrily. That’s when I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it, he had gotten angry because I hadn’t sold my art. Not because he couldn’t buy it, but because I wasn’t receiving recognition. He was so selfless. This was definitely the same boy I had met in high school. It warmed my heart to know he looked so well, that he was smiling now, and that he had cut his hair. I was happy he had crossed paths with me. Even if he didn’t remember me.

 

When I told Eren that this was indeed my first gallery appearance he only became more irritated. It was good to have him back. He offered to induce me to one of his friends that seemed to have a lot of connections. Her name was Hanji, and she knew everyone. She and Eren made sure to help me up the latter of success, each art show containing more and more of my pieces, until today when the whole gallery was reserved for my art. It was a high-end gallery and Hanji had invited multiple important people. This was my dream, and I’d finally be able to live it out.

 

The Gallery would be formal, I didn’t own many dresses, let alone a _formal_ dress. I had but one, that I had been reserving for a special event. But, what would ever be more special than this? I went to dig it out of my closet, pushing away the different articles of black clothing. My favorite color, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear to a funeral. I rolled my eyes at my stupid joke, I was spending too much time with Sasha and Connie. I pulled out the white box, from my closet. The bow on top of it, still untouched, and as perky as when I had received it. I exhaled, this was it. Three years for this. I carefully removed the top of the box, and placing it next to it on my bed. The red fabric almost glowed inside the white box, the pink note sitting on it still where I had left it. I picked up the note and read it out loud to myself.

 

_For: Mikasa_

I smiled to myself, feeling nostalgic about how much time had passed. I opened the neatly folded paper.

_You’re going to need something_

_to wear when you make it big._

_-Eren_

I smiled at the note, he was such a dork, even back then. I rested the note next to the box. I took a minute to look at the breathtaking dress in the box. Could I really pull it off? I took a deep breath and reached in for the dress that had been waiting for me for two years in the stuffy closet. I pulled it out, the length of it nearly touching the ground, even when I held it up. I hesitated, it looked more intimidating now than it did two years ago. _“It was made for you”, “Red is your color, you practically own it”_ Eren had said that when he gifted it to me. His words sounded so honest, that I believed him. Eren wouldn’t lie. I set the dress down on my bed, and stripped off my clothes, until I stood there in only my underwear. I eyed the dress, like if we were about to have a fight to the death. I was being ridiculous. I unzipped the dress from the back, and leaned down to step into the opening. When I did, I pulled it up the length becoming shorter, and the pool of red at my feet becoming a more manageable amount. I slipped my arms through the holes in the fabric, moving it around until the tiny vertical opening on the chest was aligned in the middle of my breasts. I reached to my back and zipped up the opening, the dress hugging the curves on my hips, and lose towards the hem. The dress had a sheath top, so it coved me up nicely, not including the small vertical opening on my chest. The dress was also sleeveless, I would be able to show off my toned arms. I grinned at this, knowing perfectly well that Eren also knew my arms were my pride and joy, and that I didn’t like revealing clothing. The bottom of the dress was floor length, and it flowed like water when I walked towards the full length mirror that Armin had gotten me, also noticing the front split that left a breeze on my legs as I walked. I looked at myself in the mirror, and couldn’t believe that I was the one looking back. The girl in the mirror looked nothing like me. The red of the dress complemented her fair skin, and made her look like a goddess, with a pool of red at her feet. I was no goddess. She was tall despite being barefoot, and she looked like she owned the world. Which I didn’t. I turned away from the mirror to pull out a pair of matte red heels that were also stored away in the shadows of my room. I slipped my feet into each one, and looked back at the mirror. She was beautiful, and proud ready to take on the world. She also had hair on her face. I scooped up my hair, in one hand leaving a couple of strands out to complement my face. I smiled, we were gorgeous. _I_ was gorgeous. Eren was right, red was my color.

 

As I looked back at myself, my bedroom door abruptly opened behind me. As a reflex I let my hair drop from my hand and fall over my shoulders and I turned around to face the intruder.

Instead of an intruder I was faced with Sasha. She walked towards me whistling as she approached me.

She reached down to the skirt of the dress, “Taking out the big guns, huh?” She tugged at the dress, opening the split in the front and releveling my legs, she whistled again, this time more dramatically. She swayed the fabric back and forth. “So fancy” she said, letting the skirt fall back to my side.

I chuckled, jokingly twirling around like if I was Cinderella, and throwing in a stupid pose that I had seen in a magazine at the end. Sasha played along, wolf whistling at me, and yelling out cat calls. After my finale pose we looked at each other for a moment and burst out into a hysterical laughter. It felt good to have a nice laugh once and a while.

“I felt like we were back in college there for a second” I said through our loud laughs.

Sasha wiped away a couple of stray tears from the corner of her eyes, “All we need now is to get Connie in a dress and tape him to a truck” she said.

“He ended up in Arizona” I recalled, my laughter taking over the end of my sentence.

Sasha laughed again shaking her head, “Good times” she said looking up at me, her expression changing. I returned her stern look.

“In all seriousness” She said walking closer to me. “You look great” she smiled. I nodded, confused about her sudden change in tone and expression. She looked over to nothing in particular, and sighed. “Time sure flies” she said, her eyes back at me. “Finally your own Gallery, it’s amazing” she said.

“It’s incredible” I commented. What was she coming at?

“Look, Mikasa I know how important this is to you, and I know how hard you’ve worked for this” she said, walking to my bed side. “Just like I know how important Eren is to you, and how much you care for him.” I swallowed, what was her point? The suspense was killing me, I had half a mind to yell at her to get to the point. Maybe shake her a bit. “He’s important to me too” she said, picking up a brush from the top of my drawer. What? He was important to her too? Was she saying what I thought she was saying?

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, nervous, and already breaking a sweat.

“What I mean, it that Eren is important to all of us. He’s a dumbass for marrying Erwin, and a bigger dumbass for staying with that manipulative piece of-“She froze noticing how tightly she had been gripping the brush. She chuckled, “Sorry, you know I don’t like him very much” she said. I never liked him either. I didn’t have a reason to dislike him, he just never rubbed me the right way. But, I wondered why Sasha never liked him? The way she spoke about him was different than me, she seemed to have a motive. I’d have to ask her someday. “Anyway, my point is, that Eren has helped us all in some way. He’s an outstanding person, and he deserves to be happy” she said walking with brush in hand towards me. “My point is, that as his friends we should look out for Eren. With all this in mind do you mind, is it alright if I asked you for something?” She stood in front of me, waiting for my answer.

“Of course” I answered confidently.  

“Could you be nice to Levi?” Her question threw me so off that it felt like she had pushed me off a moving van into a lake of confusion. “At least for today” She added. I couldn’t help but giggle at her request. She had sounded so serious and unlike herself that, I could have sworn she was going to ask me to help her kill somebody, or admit she was part of the mafia or something.

“Stop laughing at me!” She yelled, hitting me with the brush in her hand.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I said, blocking her whacks. “This is just so unlike you”

She stuck her tongue out, “There’s more to me than a couple of jokes, and pranks”.

I held back my laughter, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed at you” I apologized, giving her a smile. She didn’t return the gesture, her expression didn’t budge, and she continued frowning at me. “And I’ll _try_ to be nice to Levi” I added. Her frown melted away and was replaced by her usual ear to ear smile.

“Thanks, Mikasa” she said. “Sorry for beating you with your own brush” She added, rubbing my arms, apologetically. I shook my head, letting her know that there was no need to apologize. I felt bad myself, I had made her worry about Eren and myself. She had come in here and gave me a whole runway treatment, and lectured me, but I hadn’t even taken notice to her own beautiful dress. The color orange really looked good on her, and the V cut was perfect for her.

“You’re dress looks beautiful, by the way” I said, pointing at the floor length skirt of her dress.

She grinned, the way she did when she found out someone was serving free food. She stuffed her hands into the sides of her dress, “It has pockets!” and waved the length of the dress around like a flag. “For my snacks!” Of course it did.

 

 

**Levi**

It was a Sunday, but not any Sunday, it was also New Years. Sure I never celebrated, but I also didn’t like to be dragged into crap I didn’t like, or know I wouldn’t be wanted at. Mostly I didn’t like social events. Hanji had me attend enough of them already, and at least she let me decide which events I’d attend. But, this one this one was all Eren, one bat of his eyelashes, a quick crooked smile and I was at his command. Damn him, he had me going to this stupid crap. But, after what had happened in Christmas, I felt guilty myself, and wanted to make it up to him, in any way possible.

 I couldn’t even get myself to look at the damn piano since, I wouldn’t mention it to Eren, of course. To think that he had to console _me_ afterwards. Sure it had gotten him out of his episode, but he wouldn’t even talk about it. He wouldn’t even touch on the subject. He had acted like if he hadn’t had a full on panic attack, brushed it off, and consoled _me_ instead. I was worried about him. He had been so open before, blurting out that his father had abandoned him, and that he had been an addict, but he couldn’t even mention his panic attack. What story did the song _Wicked Game_ hold to trigger him to shut down the way he did? What could have happened, that he couldn’t even repeat the name of the song? Who had hurt him to this extent? Who had done such a thing to my warm-hearted Eren?

I was coming out of the shower, when he showed up. Eren had already made himself at home, and was watching what looked like _Shameless_ in the living room.

“I don’t know why _I_ have to go to this thing”, I called out as I walked towards him.

“Mikasa invited _you_ specifically, so be nice” he answered. When he heard me right behind him, he looked back at me, and a hungry grin taking over his face.

“You look good” he teased raising his eyebrows, “I’m actually pretty hungry, maybe you could feed me something?” He said eyeing the towel that hung from my hips, and bit his lower lip, his grin never leaving his face. That asshole.

I flicked him off, “We haven’t even _seen_ each other’s dicks. So, you’re not allowed to say that” I said walking upstairs to my room.

He laughed and I could hear him following behind me. I walked into my room, and he threw himself over my bed. I could feel his stare on my back, as I walked into my closet. I pulled out my new black Tux that I had bought specifically for the art gallery, a few days prior and eyed the other Tux next to it that I had bought along with it. It wasn’t for me, I had actually bought it thinking about Eren, The gray Tux had called my attention, I knew right after laying eyes on it that it would look great on him, and was eager to see him in it, knowing perfectly well he’d look jaw dropping. I pulled out the Tux, and stepped out of my closet.

“What are you wearing to the Gallery?” I asked him. He blinked at me, innocently, confused, like if I had asked him something stupid.

He sat up on my bed, “This?” he said, pointing at the suit he was wearing. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t a formal suit.

I tossed the gray Tux next to him on my bed. “Wear this” I said, setting my own Tux a couple of inches away from his, on the other side of the bed.

He picked up the Tux and examined it. “How much was this?” he asked.

I raised my eyebrow at him, “Why does it matter?”

“It matters, because I don’t want you spending your money on me”, he said. “It looks really expensive, and I think you should take it back” he said, sliding the tux across the bed to me. Was he serious? I grabbed the tux from where he had returned it to, and walked around the bed to him.

“Money has nothing to do with it” I said, straightening up the Tux in my arms. “I bought it thinking about you, a little spoiling won’t kill you” I handed him the Tux. His cheeks had tinted with red, and he questionably looked down at the tux. “Plus, we’d be matching” I added. He glanced up at me his eyes sparkling and then took the Tux from my hands. That’s all it took. He really was adorable. I shook my head at the cute idiot. He still had no idea what he did to me.

I walked back to my own Tux, and unwrapped my towel from my hips. I hung it from my shoulders, using the ends to dry my hair. I closed my eyes, and patted my face in the process. When I finished, I opened my eyes, and noticed Eren had been staring. I’m almost positive he was drooling. He himself was in the middle of undressing but had stopped at his boxers, his hands still at the elastic, eyes were wide, and were traveling up and down the length of my body, but came to a stop when reaching my bottom half, where the towel had left bare.

“Like what you see?” I asked giving him my own grin.

He came to at the sound of my voice, he shook his head and turned his back to me. “I didn’t mean to stare” he said. I could see the back of his ears turning red. I chuckled, he sure was fun to tease. I, unfortunately did not get to see his package. He kept his back turned to me the rest of the time it took him to change, though I did get a glorious view of his perfectly sculpted ass, it took everything in me not to do anything about it though. I finished getting dressed before him, and watched him struggle to tie his bow tie for a bit. I didn’t decide to help until, he began cursing at it. It is always is fun to watch someone who has no patience lose it.

I stepped in front of him, and looked up at his poor abused bow tie. It looked like it had been ran over, and then beaten with a bat. “What would you do without me?” I chuckled. It took me a while to undo his mess. When it was back to being flat and somewhat normal looking, I held either side, evenly in each of my hands, then I moved the left side up, and made the right side an inch and a half longer.

“Levi?” Eren called while I worked.

“Yeah?”

“Do you really not want to go?” He asked, in his usual nervous tone, one I was already very used to. “It’s okay if you don’t. I don’t want to force you to go anywhere you don’t feel comfortable.” I listened to him while I worked on the bow tie, but I didn’t respond. When I didn’t, he added “I can just tell Mikasa you were sick or something to get you out of going”, I looked up from his half-finished bow tie, to meet his gentle eyes. How did I ever live without him? I looked back down at his bow tie, straightening it out, and tucking in the shirt points between the tie’s thin strip and the bow tie. I let out a sigh, and peeked him on the lips.

“I would never do anything I didn’t want to do. And I really don’t want to go to this Art Gallery” I said, his eyes lowered to the floor, in disappointment. “But…” I said, lifting his chin up “I would do anything for you” I added. His lips curled up, and he returned my quick kiss.

“Thanks” he whispered, scooping me into his arms, holding me by my shoulders. He looked me over, “You look _really_ good by the way” he said, letting my shoulders free. Did I? I walked over to the full body mirror in my closet, Eren close behind. We both stood in front of the mirror. I had made a great decision choosing these babies.

“Holy shit. How much were these?” He asked, patting his body down, probably looking for the price tags I had cut off. I didn’t pay attention to his comment, I was too busy admiring how Eren’s Tuxedo clung to his body in all the right ways, only making me want to rip it off of him even more. I had really out done myself. His Tux suited him amazingly. The nickel gray was closer to black, so it brought out his eyes nicely. His jacket and trousers matched my shirt, bow tie, and pocket square, and his shirt, bow tie, and pocket square matched my jet black, jacket and trousers. We both looked good, but Eren stole the show, he looked like perfection incarnate. I was appreciating how much we looked like a couple in our coordinating Tuxedos when Eren asked,

“This doesn’t make you my sugar daddy, right?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any questions regarding the edit, or fanfic, or you just want to say i suck ,hell or even just to say hi you can leave me a comment or contact me through my [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)  
> Thank you guys for reading and for all the comments and kudos :) please keep those coming they really make my day  
> Till next time.

**Author's Note:**

> All Kudos and Comments are encouraged and appreciated.  
> I love and appreciate all of you, thanks for reading <3  
> [Tumblr](https://pridefulmess.tumblr.com/)


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